The Cum Muffin

Years and years ago, I was once in a band. Our name “Dead Unself.” No, not really, but that’s what I’m calling us for today’s story. We always jammed well into the evening working our hunger up. This usually caused us to head out to the Diner, and grab a bite to eat. The Diner had much better food then I could make at home, and there was always the off chance of meeting some lone chick at 12am.

Of course, it’s much easier hitting on the waitress then actually going over to another woman’s table and saying hello. So we usually hoped for the hottest waitress to stop by our table. That’s always when the interesting things began to happen: COCK BLOCKING! We would never admit it, and probably didn’t even realize we were doing it at the time, but all of us wanted the same chick and were all hard core out to win her over.

This is where the story begins…

She comes to our table with black nails and short dyed black hair. She was probably only 100 pounds, with 10 huge tattoos all over her body; but it was the Blue Eyes that made this woman striking. We gazed at her a few times before we were actually lucky enough to have her come over. Ken – “the bass player” immediately opened up the conversation and began to steal this woman’s heart. He took the chance right out from under us. I remember Kdog – “the Guitarist” being real upset, in his mind this chick was already his and now he has to deal with Ken working the magic.

Ken stayed with the waitress until she got off work to walk her home. He was definitely in the door with her, and it was only a matter of time before we assumed to see her at our “shows.”

The next day Ken came over and told all of us the story.
“Dude, I didn’t get much, but I got a hand-job.” He said.

“What, you stayed there for 5 hours and all you got was a fucking Hand-job?”

“Yeah, but dude she’s Married! And she just doesn’t believe in rings or some shit. The only reason why I got anything at all is because the Hubby works the fucking night shift and wasn’t home!

The basic response from all of us was pretty much “What the FUCK!”

“Yeah, well there’s no chance at a relationship, but I might have myself a nice fuck buddy!”

So we gave the man his props, and moved on to band practice. After the long dreadful band practice we decided it was time to head back to the diner. None of us really knew how to react to the whole thing, so we felt to play it best, we would all just ignore it. When we got there, she was already there. She told us where to sit so we could be at her table, I remember smiling a lot because I know what she did. I found it absolutely hilarious!

We sat down and started going over our meal. I had the usual “burger – medium rare, no tomato.” Kdog was next, “Can I get a Chocolate Muffin?” The singer skipped his meal and Ken just asked for a soda. She went into the back, and we the band continued to talk about the nothing in life that makes everything so fucking funny. She came out just as we were all laughing our asses off.

“What are you laughing at? Did you tell? DID YOU TELL? I can see it, he told you didn’t he! YES I JERKED HIM OFF, and I Didn’t wash my hands either. So Here is your FUCKING CUM MUFFIN ASSHOLE!” As she wiped the muffin all up in her hands!   “I can’t believe you told, you fucking Prick!” and she stormed out the diner

I couldn’t believe what the fuck I heard, I couldn’t laugh just cry. Ken however was laughing his ass off, so I was like “Dude, what the fuck just happened?”

For a moments time, he acted as if I fucked up. I made a mistake, he was pissed. Then after 5 minutes of stirring the cup even further he told me: “Look, we just wanted to play a joke on you guys. Thought it would be funny.”

WORST FUCKING JOKE EEVEERRR!!!!!!

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