Missing the Physical Feeling (Monologue)

I know some people miss their ex’s. I thought I used to miss him. But now looking at things, I realize that I really don’t miss him per se. Looking back at the memories…I miss how he made me feel, physically. I mean mentally and emotionally he told me things that make a woman be like “aawww! He’s so sweet!” but he didn’t mean it and I knew that from the front. I knew he wasn’t going to last and be any good for me, that he was just words. I’m so happy that I finally got it now. I finally get the fact that when I kept coming back to him, kept “falling’” for him, kept doing whatever I could for him, to please him, keep him as close as possible, it was just because he was the first, the one guy that made me physically feel like I was worth something, like someone actually wanted me. Like someone actually thought of me as attractive and wanted some of what I could offer even though I was overweight.

I’m hoping I’m not the only woman who has experienced this. If I am then I’m going to feel really stupid. But oh well, there’s a first time for everything right? Anyway, I was looking at his MySpace pictures today and realized how much I would love to be in his house, in his room laying down, watching TV right now, or rubbing his back like I used to. I wish I was there with him making jokes and thinking I was having a good time. He knew what to do, boy I tell you. He knew what to do to get me where he wanted to, to make me do what he wanted. Something in me wants his touch again, the touch of his fingers on my waist and my arms, his big lips on mine. I miss it; I’m not going to lie. He was the first and only guy to give me that. I can be a woman and be honest and say that I miss the physical pleasure. But truth be told that was the only pleasure there was and to go back into the heartbreak just to get an hour or two of pleasing really isn’t worth it.
I still can’t help it. Every now and then I think of calling him, asking if I can stay the night. I haven’t seen him for so long. It’s almost as if I’m going through withdraw. He was truly an addiction. I wanted every part of him, the good and the bad. I didn’t care that he had a child. I didn’t care that he dropped out of school, didn’t work. I wanted him regardless of his list of imperfections. I have a long list myself, so I can’t judge him. Besides, he did give me moments, say or do things that to this day makes me wonder if he really did have true feelings from me. I think this to myself because some of the things he’s done were so passionate and sensitive, that it wouldn’t make sense if he didn’t have feelings. I keep asking myself why and what if, when I know I’ll never get the answer.

That one night, on my porch after 3AM…we were wild teenagers, I must say, even though I’ve heard of worse. I know that night was the best time I’ve ever spent with him. The way he touched my skin, the way he kissed my neck and instantly soaked my underwear, the way he devoured my mouth with his, biting my lips. He was completely irresistible. I miss how he gave me his hooded sweat shirt to wear since it was cold, and also so that I could still be covered after taking my shorts off, giving him easy access to my innocence. Yes, I had vowed to give him my innocence that night, on my porch, after 3AM. I thought he was worth it. Here I had a guy that was completely gorgeous, wanted to most girls, very well-known, and had a very big dick that for some reason I thought I could handle (which was a very stupid thought!) Note to virgins, start out with something small, trust me! Anyway, I kissed him, he kissed me. I sucked his chest and his neck, and he did the same to me. It felt like heavenly hell. It felt so good, but was so bad. Hmm….
Even though it didn’t work out too well, the way he kissed me right before he left sent shivers through me completely. It wasn’t rough, it wasn’t the kind of kiss that you doubted and wondered if it was real or fake. He held me close, gently. The thing that really had me hooked was how he would gracefully touch my lips with his, and then pull away. He kept doing that over and over. That’s the kind of kiss you see in the movies, a kiss I’d only dreamed of getting. I thought he was teasing me. He said it was a passionate kiss. All I know is, I’ll never forget that kiss. God, thinking about it right now makes me want to call him. But I know there’s no chance of ever reliving that moment unless I’m dreaming. That night feels like a dream that had come true so long ago. Unfortunately, I took more pain than pleasure along with that night. It was never the same.
Besides, I’ve found a better love in my life. This love, I tell you there is every time a pleasure imaginable. I can’t go wrong with this love. This love frees me, makes me feel stronger and more beautiful than I’ve ever felt. It lets me know that life can be a good thing, even with the ups and downs. Eventually, the physical pleasure will come along, when I’m ready and my Lord and Savior is ready for me to have it. The physical pleasure won’t come alone, but will come with the mental pleasure, the happiness, and I will have a better spirit then ever before. I do thank Mr. Physical, because without experiences with him, I wouldn’t have become the woman I am right now. But it’s time for me to grow now. So here I go…

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