They were everywhere! The dead had returned to life, filling the streets like the unemployed.
Grotesque monsters banging into trashcans in the middle of the night, mowing lawns at six in the morning, tying up automated teller machines, talking in movie theaters, farting in elevators.
Sol Schmeed, noted author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Death, made the observation — “Unlike fictional portrayals of the living dead, these dead are not a threat. They don’t eat or attack anyone. They’re just a pain in the ass and should never be invited to small dinner parties.”
Actually, not everyone who died was guaranteed a return trip. The dearly departed who were truly “dearly” went on to their final reward. Though some may argue being buried in a box in the cold ground hardly qualifies as a reward unless you’re really hard up.
Yet, as fate would have it (and fate always gets its way) only the worst of the worst lucked out. It was as if Hell had filled up or at least was asking patrons to come back after the dinner crowd had left.
The following was overheard at the eulogy of a lifelong proctologist who, by the way, loved his work:
“As we stand here sending Dr. Bennell to his final resting place, we all know he’ll probably be banging on the lid in a few hours, wanting out, crying for his rubber gloves shouting ‘Where’s the Vaseline, where’s the Vaseline?’ So why bother?”
Being one of the dead didn’t mean life was going to be a cakewalk either. Especially when none of them knew what a cakewalk even was. The dead became easy targets.
To continue reading The Annoying Dead you must
buy the book Morning Stories
so the dead are alive, still earning money.. but are they still TAXED? lol This was an awesome story! How would a Dead Mistress work out? Tell your wife she is just the coat hanger and then __________
lol
So much to learn about these dead people.
I’m amazed at how incompetent we still would be when confronted by such a surreal scenario. Then again, I would expect nothing less. This reminds me of Fido in some ways.
Thanks guys. I figured somebody had to write the low brow comedy here.
Really everything I read here is so much more artistic than what I write. I’ll start commenting on other stories when I come up with something better than “Gee, you write better than me.”
Now I have to go look up who Fido is.
Hey man, at least you’ve got the chops to be a good writer. A good piece of writing, and a self-deprecating attitude. Seriously, it keeps you humble. There are poems i have up here that I’m somewhat ashamed of.
I appreciate it, MeatxbeatsxMan. I figured this would be a good site to join when I saw Matt’s profile and two of his favorite movies were “The Big Lebowski” and “Dumb and Dumber.”
I’ll check out some of your work, but probably won’t be able to comment since my knowledge of poetry doesn’t go much beyond “here I sit broken-hearted…”
great read, and for some reason great, comments page, it just gets stranger and stranger round here, I LOVE IT,
thanks for the site mattyo
really interesting story, i enjoyed it quite a bit.
Really, really enjoyed this.
Especially about not seeing eye-2-eye…..Ha!!!!!
i like it.
and…
gee, you write better than me.
Thanks for the comments guys.
Now if I can only figure out how to change my profile picture. It looks like a transvestite cookie with lizard legs and its brain sticking out. And I don’t even want to guess what that thing is on the front of the cookie.
I loved this, very comical!
Thank you, 80sBabi.
Sorry I haven’t been active lately. A few months ago, I was looking for a new approach to writing, so I began typing with my nose. But I started having unexplained headaches and had to stop. Doctor’s are baffled.
Anyhow, hope to write something new this Summer.
I really appreciate your comment.
Ignore the possessive in ‘Doctors’, my cheek hit the apostrophe by accident.
You’re good
Hey, I hope Matt reads this. He has my last name wrong in the Bio.
I don’t know a Brian Cox. I’m sure he’s a nice person, but why would Matt credit ‘The Annoying Dead’ to someone I don’t know.
Seriously, though, sorry to go public with the post, but I don’t know if Matt received the Bio I sent before so I resent it… Anyway, I posted the Bio here on the site, too.
everything is good now. Your old email address had Cox written in it and the information was taken from that.