The Boozehound (Ode to Lindsay Lohan and E.A. Poe)

Once upon a Tuesday morning, I began a liquor pouring,
And spilled some Jameson all over the mezzanine floor,
While I guzzled, head lightly rocking, suddenly there came a knocking,
As if some one rudely mocking, mocking me at my apartment door.
‘Tis some paparazzo,’ I muttered, `knocking at my apartment door-
Only this, and nothing more.’

Ah, distinctly I recall, as I consumed more alcohol,
Every last spilled drip of Jameson I licked right off the floor.
Eagerly I wished for gladness; – vainly I eased my sadness
Grabbed a tabloid, read in madness- I had lost my film role to Pauly Shore-
For the untalented fool whom Satan named Pauly Shore-
A B-list actor for evermore.

But a deathly shriek, sounding like my album, Speak,
Shocked me – filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
My heart beating, wondering whom I would be cleating, I began repeating
‘Tis some asshole attempting entrance to my condo’s first floor –
Yes, some crazy fan, or nosy man, inquiring my role lost to Pauly Shore-
That’s what’s up, and nothing more,’

Presently I got real pissed; lowered my brow and clenched my fist,
`Hey jerk,’ said I, `or douche, truly you best not fuck with this whore;
But the fact is I was boozing, then so loudly you came cruising,
And so noisily you were knocking, knocking on my apartment door,
Now I shall bust your face upon my floor’ – here I opened wide the door; –
Brightness there, and nothing more.

Back to my room turning, my freckled face rage-filled, burning,
But again I heard a knocking this time louder than before.
‘Surely,’ said I, `surely that is coming from the window, not my door;
Let’s see then, what it is and watch TV later, for I DVR’ed Jersey Shore –
Let me find this stalker at the window, and beat him ‘til he’s sore; –
‘Tis some creeper and nothing more!’

I punched through the window glass, shouting out ‘I’ll kick you’re ass’,
Slowly in stepped a smelly dog reeking of vodka, tonic, and a peach liqueur.
Not the least bit taught of lazy; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But this dog ran then stopped, and slurped the liquor I had spilled upon my floor –
Laid his beergut on the floor, looked at me waiting for another pour,
Sat and waited for another pour.

Then this ugly brown pooch waddled to me looking for some hooch,
But soon detected the large plastic alcohol ankle bracelet that I wore,
‘I do not need to get dry, nor in need of alcoholic rehab’, said I,
‘Though more than a day sans gin rye would make me cry’,
‘No need for rehab, dog, I implore, but could you drive me to the liquor store’
I’m out of Jameson and cannot drive my convertible, four door,
Quoth the boozehound, `No more.’

Then, I sensed the air grew thicker, and my need for drink raised quicker,
Sniffing Jameson’s sauce spurned across my condo’s first floor,
‘Prick, I cried, your master sent thee, to gloat his victory’,
Your master is the demon, born from 90’s humor, named Pauly Shore,
Dick of dicks, Biodome sucked, damn that Pauly Shore,
Quoth the boozehound, `No more.’

‘Go, go get me sweet, cheap liqeuor, or just get off my condo floor’
‘Fine’, said I, ‘fine, then leave me and return to your Pauly Shore,
I will find a new role that’s token, just cease those words you have spoken!
Leave my patheticness unbroken! – please just exit through my condo door!
Quoth the boozehound, `No more.’

And the boozehound, ever sitting, still is sitting, still is licking
Licking up the sauce spread across my apartment floor,
And his bloodshot eyes have all the seeming of a wino who is dreaming,
And the fluorescent light is streaming, As he looks about for another pour,
And my soul from out that shadow now lies across the jailhouse floor,
Shall be lifted – no more.



  • barea

    thank you for an intensely enjoyable read. : )

    at a very few parts i think it could have benefited from a different rhyme scheme or an adjusted syllable, but thats your choice, and i like this anyways.

  • My Morning Story

    runningvein says it best “Brilliant” this was one of the best reads On this site .. Top 10 .. 🙂

    I nice hint of Poe *nevermore* But, great comedy piece! loved it! I will say, Pauly Shore was awesome! And I loved his comedies… then again, I was like 10

  • James-Dean

    i like biodome but dont tell anyone. fantastic piece, i wish i could write like this…seriously

  • 80sBabi

    When u ask a canine to drive u to a liquor store, u must come to terms that u are the definition of a true lush =P

    Awesome piece!

  • dpetkovic

    This was great – so well written and truly funny! Enjoyed it so much!

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