Please add your own personal stuggles to this story!
1. Carry around a plastic grocery bag to pick up pieces of your once solid self-esteem.
- Note: make sure its leak-proof, to hold tear saturated tissues of your broken dreams. Ensure you have a “pooper-scooper” for heavily weighted bull-shit comments like ‘Keep your chin up…everything happens for a reason, it’ll get better and the like.
2. Count how many “rare side effects” you have from the latest anti-depressants. This includes vivid nightmares, bizarre behavior, night sweats, convulsions and the occasional brain jolts. That mysterious patch of unruly white chin hair can be filed under perimenopausal.
3. Count how many times your daily mental blog ends or begins with, “Seriously…Really….WTF?”
4. Count how many pants you’ve twisted on before you settle on the As Seen On TV Pajama Jeans. Don’t forget the ever so trendy lacy Cami paired with the peep-toed Payless pumps…Hail to BOGO—Buy One Get One. Yay, I’m in!
5. Convince yourself that last week’s set-in coffee stain on the ever so trendy Cami can be played off as today’s morning misadventure.
6. Finally accept that you don’t have enough money to repair your clothes dryer and crispy dripped dried drawers is the green way to go!
Yes, I’m reducing global warming. Get in where you fit in!
7. Count how many 800 numbers are in your Missed Call log. Bill collectors? Yep, Google confirms it is so.
8. Count how many times it took for you to convince yourself that Lee Press-On nails look just as good as the salon French Tips. Let’s check the score board: Ghetto-fabulous 1, Koreans , none!
9. Decide that you can no longer afford Lipitor (combined with diet and exercise) and opt for the ever-popular Cheerios plan. Also qualifies as a Mid-morning snack.
10. Count how many times you’ve Googled ‘Food Expiration dates’ and is it safe to re-freeze meat. Have those eggs really broke bad?
11. Count how many times your family asked, ‘What’s for dinner?’ and you’ve replied, ‘Number 7, 14, egg roles and ham fried rice…and don’t forget the coupon this time!’
12. Continue to set your alarm clock for an hour you’ve never seen.
13. Continue to hit the snooze button, take a truck-stop hoe bath, turn underwear inside out (don’t judge), de-clump yesterday’s mascara from your lashes, swig a mouthful of Listerine, spit it out, miss the sink, hit your forearm, stub your toe, again, search for your keys and stumble out into the light of day.
14. Continue to be amazed how time flies when you don’t get the fuck up on time!
15. Keep hoping for a red light, so you can squeeze in a drop or two of Visine, plug in your cell phone or clip in the safety belt.
16. Continue to play the ever so loser game of, ‘Guess how many miles are truly within the Low Fuel Zone’. Is it 10, 7, 3 or fumes?
17. Decide by an opinion of one, that the grinding sound you hear is NOT your breaks and turn up the radio. Sing along for added reassurance.
18. Count how many times you’ve parked in the Handicap parking space at the job because you’re late again. Everyone does it…right”? I’ll move it on my break!!
19. Count how many times you’ve almost made it past your skinny-ass cube mate, before she goes into a diatribe of her fabulous weekend, replete with the gold earrings her BFF, BF, SO, side-piece or guilty husband bought her.
- Note: Yes, you really did roll your eyes…it was not in your head.
20. At the end of your fucked up day walk into your humble abode and asked, “ WTF is that smell?”
21. Cut open any one of the stacked-up empty wine boxes in the corner and squeeze out a cup-full. No, I don’t have a problem…I’m just frugal!
22. Continue to figure and reconfigure / new math, on how much time you have on the job for FMLA. Can a bitch get some time off and still keep your job?!
23. Count how many times you’ve decided your relationship is worth saving…and re-file it under “For the Kids sake or The Bad Economy or The Crumbling Work-force or He/She has a better Health Care Plan, so I better stick around and/or the Housing Market. Finally decide to place it in the oft forgotten file labeled “Cuz I no longer give a shit about______(fill in the blank)”. Note: Don’t forget to password protect this one; less you are ready to have a “…need to talk to you” conversation. Remember last time??
24. Decide, with the determination of one who is truly aware, that this day I stop picking up pieces of my broken life and reach up and out and rebuild…not from fragments but from shiny new gifts of wisdom.
25. Decide today is the Day I reach forward into the Universe and pull in only that which matters and discard the rest…. savoring the best and re-write my Morning Story.
New Moon.
quit smoking? I love the press on nails!
Red Hot color is always sexy!
I enjoyed reading this, and I’m sure a lot of people can relate to the speaker’s feelings. All of these ‘wonderful’ things that happen in life only reinforce the concept that life on Earth is actually life in Purgatory.