About Craig Gusmann

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Craig Gusmann has written 12 articles so far, you can find them below.

Eryn’s Dream

She awoke next to her dream on a bed of forget-me-nots. It was one of those rare moments that transcend reality, love, death, happiness, innocence, prejudice, understanding, fear. . .

She listened to the dream speak. In its voice she heard every person’s laughter, every child’s scream, every unfaithful lover’s lie. She heard the sorrow of every parent losing a child, and the bitterness of every brother or sister losing a sibling. She listened to all of the emotions she would vocalize, as well as the ones she couldn’t, or wouldn’t. . .

Looking into the dream’s eyes she saw every first crushes broken heart, every first love’s disappointment, every first-born’s wonderment. She saw the motivation on the face of a boy told he’s not good enough, and the nervousness of a boy afraid of rejection. She saw every crushed hope, every broken dream of a son, a daughter, a father, mother, friend, lover, who only wanted more for. . . someone. And in those eyes she saw all the men she would love and every inner-child she would hate. Every person that would love her but she couldn’t love back. She saw the people she loved and wondered if they loved her. . .

Inhaling her dreams breath she smelled the waste of a person alone, the desperation of a woman falling apart but trying to hold herself together. She smelled the sweetness of a teenage boy’s whisper, and the tartness of that whispers impure intentions. She smelled the odor of two bodies entangled as she let her body be taken by that whisper. And she smelled alcohol. . .

She tasted her dreams tongue and in that the flavor of tears lost in a public bathroom in some city somewhere and the drugs taken to forget those tears. She tasted the sweat falling off the faces, arms, legs of children and their parents working to survive. She tasted the blood lost in a hospital room for being human. Of blood lost on the street for being a different shade of skin. Of blood lost on the battlefield for being young. Of blood lost in the bedroom for grasping at innocence. . .

She reached out, and touching her dreams hand felt the goose bumps of a nightmare or fantasy realized. She felt the panic and guilt of a wrong-doing, and the tightened fist of a person done wrong. She felt every bruised, broken, bleeding wrist of a person who gave up on nothing but themselves. She felt the sting of a missed opportunity, and of a missed friend. She felt herself falling into this moment of self-actualization, self-awareness, self-realization, self. . . self. . . selflessness.

She had heard, seen, smelled, tasted and felt everything she was, is, and could become. Anyone could become. And she wondered, “Is this all there is?”

Letters to the Girls I (Once) Love(d): 11

There was a letter written to someone, somewhere, once. It may have read, in part:

“Dear [REDACTED 11],

I’m sorry I have to write you this way. I’m not trying to be a coward, or show disrespect to our relationship, but this is the only way I can clearly say what I need to say. If I try to say it to you in person I’ll be reduced to whimpering and crying, and nothing will be said. At least this way I can bring you into my thoughts while whimpering and crying. Consider this me multitasking.

I’ve never loved someone like I love you. The thought of not having you by my side until the second I die doesn’t just break my heart, it doesn’t only make me sick to my stomach, it burns my eyes, it tightens every muscle in my body, it forces my brain and my heart to beat against their cages to be released so they can run into the woods and die honorably, alone. But I’ve realized that perhaps we can’t be together. We’re not destined for each other. Not that I believe in destiny, anyway.

The problem we face is insurmountable. I can never complete you, because in order for me to complete you I’d have to lie to you. I’ll never believe in God. I’m not built for that. In order to have the life you’ve always imagined yourself having, you need someone that shares those beliefs with you. In a lot of ways, that’s the most important thing you look for in the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with. I’m not him. I can’t be him. And there’s no possible way I can ever communicate how much I regret that. Because I love you with every piece of me. I really, really do.

We can’t change for one another. It’s not in us. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us. And to ignore the problem would cause it to fester. I can give you the world and it wouldn’t be enough. Please don’t take that as a bad thing. I’m not placing blame, I’m trying to speak truth. Regardless of what I can give you in the life we build, I can never return your faith. I can never sit in church with you on Sunday and not be lying. Because of this, even if I’m holding you and kissing you and telling you how much I love you, and what an amazing life I’ve had because of you, while you lie on your deathbed you’ll know that you’re going to die alone. I won’t be joining you in eternity. That’s always going to be in the back of your mind. The mortal life is enough for me. I’m not built for heaven. You are.

I don’t think that’s fair. It’s not fair to you to only ever be 90% complete. And it’s not fair for me to be constantly competing with God. It’s not a fight I can win. It’s not a fight I want to win. I guess this is me forfeiting, then.

It will always be in my imagination the life we could have led together if only there was room for compromise. How beautiful we would be together. How inspiring our story would be. How wasteful our differences are.

Goodbye, darling. I hope we can both find what we’ve had again. I have no choice but to believe we will.”

And someone, somewhere, never read that letter.

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Our First Time With A Knife (Part Four)

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Our First Time With A Knife (Part Three)

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Our First Time With A Knife (Part Two)

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Our First Time With A Knife (Part One)

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Letters to the Girls I (Once) Love(d): 10

There was a letter written to someone, somewhere, once. It may have read, in part:

 

“Dear [REDACTED 10],

I know. I know. I know. Times infinity. I fucked up. I made the cliché the reality. I wait breathlessly for nothing to happen. I’ve been waiting for someone to come change me, but what if the real miracle, or magic, or possibly even love, was finding someone that didn’t want me to change? What if I’m too fucking stupid to see that?

I’d destroy this wall with my fists if it did anything but hurt me. Yet, I’d still wake up alone.

How many great loves are we allotted again? I think I may have used my last one up on you without even realizing it. Because I did love you – no, I do love you – even if I told you so many times that I didn’t. I just couldn’t see that I did with the noise in my head. It took you finding someone else to love you that made me realize it, and I’m sorry.

Do you think that before we’re made to atone for our sins we’re given a chance to explain them? Why we stole, why we hurt, why we fucked – there is a reason behind it all, isn’t there? God… I was so surprised to find out just how deeply I feel for you. As much as moments like that are terribly traumatizing, they’re also strangely exhilarating. They teach you things about yourself.

I think that if we were able to explain our sins they wouldn’t seem so bad. Then maybe we’d each have a chance at the pureness we started with. Before the mistakes piled up, I mean. Because they do pile up. Often the same ones, over and over and over and over… Until you get sick of them. I made a lot of the same mistakes over and over again with you, and you always let me. Why did you let me?

I know you’re happy now, and I can’t interfere with that even though you’d be even happier with me. I just know that in the morning, when I’ve slept this off, I’ll hate these words. I’ll know that this is for the best and that my loss is his gain. At least now I won’t be able to hurt you anymore.

It seemed like our whole relationship was built from pain. You hurt him, I hurt you, then myself. I deserved it. Good luck baby doll, even though I should keep it for myself. God knows I need it.”

 

And someone, somewhere, never read that letter.


 

 

Thoughts and Actions During a Car Crash

The 2008 Ford Explorer barreled down the I-190N at 65 MPH. It was raining. Can’t be late getting Jack to (I-190N to 198E) tae-kwon-do. Sally’ll be pissed (Delaware exit, left [I wonder if I have time to make a quick sandwich.] on Delaware, quick right) if he’s late again. Hopefully they don’t punish (onto Nottingham. Yes, [I’m starving.] that’s the quickest route.) him again.

His foot pressed the gas pedal harder. His fingers played with the radio. Why does every radio station (Jack’s going to [I could go for a ham and turkey sub.] have to do push-ups) stop playing music after 5 o’clock? I just (and watch the entire [Maybe I’ll go while Jack’s busy with the lesson.] class. His teacher is such an) want to hear some music (asshole.).

Up ahead a car’s brake lights went on. Several others followed. He looked up and saw the chain of red coming toward his car. Oh shit. Shit shit shit. His foot quickly came off the gas and slammed the brake. Please God. Please stop. The 2008 Ford Explorer’s brakes locked, and the truck slid at 53 MPH.

Both of his hands gripped the steering wheel tightly, turning his knuckles white. I love (What happens [Turn into the next lane, buy some time.] if my seatbelt doesn’t work?) you Sally. I love (Will the airbag break my nose?) you so much. He looked toward the passenger side-view mirror. A red sedan was in the middle lane. A train of traffic.

His eyes widened and his stomach sloshed queasily underneath his shirt. The muscles in his legs tensed. I’ll do anything to (The glass is going [Maybe turn into the guardrail. Limit the damage to yourself…] to cut my throat.) hold Jack again. He pulled the steering wheel to the left. The Explorer’s wheels turned, but the road was slick. It didn’t turn right away, only went straight toward the red lights ahead at 32 MPH. Just give him (Or the seatbelt will choke me to death.) a hug one more time.

He pushed himself deeper into his seat. He opened his mouth and sound waves reverberated from his throat: “Come on you fucking thing, turn!” I never got to say (The impact [I don’t want to die a murderer] will kill us both) goodbye to anyone. Will they miss me? Have I been good enough to them for that? The Explorer caught and turned toward the guardrail at 28 MPH. Good, goodgoodgood. We’re (Maybe I’ll survive this [I won’t hit whoever that is ahead of me…] after all) finally turning. He braced himself for the impact of the guardrail by tensing more, turning his head to his left, and closing his eyes. A 1997 Chevy Blazer came up behind him at 21 MPH.

The Explorer hit the guardrail going 24 MPH. More sound waves escaped his throat: A scream. The windshield cracked but did not break. The bumper hung limply from the truck’s front end. He was thrown forward into the airbag. His hands loosely played around his body. The Explorer bounced back into traffic.  He opened his eyes and looked around.

The Blazer hit the back driver side at 18 MPH. Plastic broke as it slammed into plastic. He again was thrown forward. Sonofabitch. Everything stopped.

He opened his eyes. I’m alive. I need to call Sally. The owner of the Blazer got out of his car and ran toward the Explorer. Other vehicles moved steadily forward. The owner of the Blazer approached the Explorer’s window and looked inside at the man.

He was crying. His muscles spasmed involuntarily. He shook. The owner of the Blazer knocked on the window, tapping quickly. He heard nothing. He saw nothing. He tasted blood from his split lip. His head hurt. I’m alive.

 

Letters to the Girls I (Once) Love(d): 06

 

There was a letter to someone, somewhere, once. It may have read, in part:

 

“Dear [REDACTED 06],

 

Tonight, it’s my turn to speak. I’ll hold this pen cap in my mouth unsanitarily and you’ll listen. This outpouring of words, thoughts, and emotions will begin the cure, I hope. This may not be factually accurate.

You woke me on a Wednesday morning. With a smile and a kiss on the cheek you apologized and left me, writhing and confused. I remembered the good then, even though it was mostly bad. I know I spent too many nights wondering sickly why I hadn’t heard from you, but we’re built to worry.

Without even realizing it you were moving on and I was being left behind. Is it too late to send this letter and admit that I’m still hurt from what transpired between us? All I’ve been able to do since is fill in lines about how woeful I’ve become since you left. A sense of humor doesn’t even seem useful anymore. It almost seems disrespectful to joke.

At the same time, it seems pointless, not to mention weak, to let even more tears fall because of this. Why was I so easily replaced? You haven’t been. I don’t think that’s fair.

I’m not sure I can list the ills you’ve left me with. I never felt like I should. Wait, felt isn’t the right word. I’ve never thought I should. It seems weak, melodramatic. But at the same time, maybe I am weak and melodramatic. I hate that with you I can’t handle my emotions as well as I think I should.

Who decided what was melodramatic when it’s almost guaranteed everyone has felt at least a fraction of how I feel at one point or another. What’s wrong with self-pity if it’s the result of a seemingly heightened awareness of situations and flaws, especially my own? What’s wrong with an unflinching truth?

I’d write “I’m sorry” an infinite amount of times if it would make any difference. It won’t. I’m not even sure what to apologize for most of the time. Myself, maybe? I guess that would work. If only I was who I want to be then maybe you’d have stayed instead of finding something you think is better.

I can’t tell you the truth about myself; I can’t get past the self-pity. And for what? I want to ask certain questions over and over and over and over again until they decide to resolve themselves or disappear entirely.

My burden is a heavy heart, my tragic flaw awareness. It’ll end eventually, I’m sure. I just wish it were over with already. The uncertainty, the pain, the questions, the false hopes, and the fear of a tomorrow that isn’t what I’ve hoped for. But tomorrow seems like such a long way off.

That Wednesday however long ago I first closed my eyes in indifference. I felt the impact of your goodbye later, and the aftershocks have been just as bad. I’m still writhing and I’m still confused. And now I’ve resigned myself to scribbling uncontrollably until I get better from my illness.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this it’s that hearts don’t break. They can’t break. They’re not hard where they can break into two clean pieces. A heart is soft, fleshy; it becomes torn and loses bit and pieces of itself in the process of tearing. That’s why this hurts so badly. You’ve torn my heart to pieces, and I’ve lost some in the process. Hopefully hearts heal, so maybe I can one day feel whole again.

Don’t hesitate to call. I never say what I mean, usually it’s the opposite.”

 

And someone, somewhere, never read that letter.

 

True Monsters

They wore boots. That’s all he could tell from the initial noises. They were silent at first, hardly making any noise at all. But their boots were too heavy, regardless of how careful they were. The boy of six years old was a light sleeper and heard them as soon as they stepped through the front door.

His father told him something like this might happen, to always be ready because there were dangerous people in the world that might try to hurt him. He had never fully understood what this meant until now. He was told to hide in the closet, in the little crawl space in the back. There he would be hidden from view and ultimately, hopefully, safe.

When he heard the boots, the boy sat up straight and stared into the darkness. Shadows played across his walls. They seemed like living, breathing things. He hesitated as he pulled off the covers and swung his feet toward the edge of the bed. What if the thing that lived under his bed grabbed him and pulled him under?

There was noise downstairs: “Who are you? Get out of my house!”

Then: A loud noise that made the boy jump. Followed by: A scream. Finally: Silence.

The boy held his breath as he listened. From below his floorboards he heard a gruff voice say, “Let’s find the boy.”

Without realizing what he was doing he felt his bare feet on the carpet. He jumped away from his bed, eyes wide and heartbeat frantic, staring at the opening between the bottom of the bed and the floor. There were no red eyes staring back at him. No clawed hands reaching out for his ankles. He turned toward the closet as the boots came to the top of the stairs. “You check that room, I’ll check this one.”

The boy’s hand reached for the handle to the closet, stopping just short. Tears fell from his face as he did his best to hide a whimper. He looked back at the space under his bed. There was nothing there. Maybe there’d be nothing in the closet. Closing his eyes he opened the door as the gruff voice again spoke, “Nothing? Let’s try that one.”

The boy entered the closet quietly, closing the door carefully behind him, and crawled inside the tiny opening that held suitcases and old lamps. A shadow caught his eye; A shadow with a long snout, and a singular cold eye. It wasn’t moving, so he hoped that whatever it was, it was sleeping. He did his best to stay quiet and still. His bedroom door opened and the men allowed themselves in.

The boy listened as the boots walked around on his lightly carpeted floor. A light found its way under the door and through the keyhole, making the boy wince as his eyes adjusted. There was a murmur of voices that the boy could just make out.

“What are you doing?”

“I wanted to see if the kid was in here. Calm down.”

“You’re going to get us caught waving that damn flashlight around. Now turn it off.” The light disappeared, leaving the boy enveloped in a shroud of black. “Speaking of the kid, where is he?”

“I don’t know. . . Let me check the closet.”

There was a momentary silence. “Alright… I’ll shut the blinds and then hurry up.” The boy’s eyes widened as he heard his blinds shut and the boots move towards his closet. He pressed himself closer to the wall as the closet door creaked open and a light invaded the space. The light moved back and forth, searching for something. Searching for him. He worried that the light would wake the sleeping monster across from him. He closed his eyes and listened. The only sound in the room was that of the men’s breathing. The boy wanted to scream, to attack whatever creatures were stalking him. He could feel his anger rising, his heartbeat quickening. The blood vessels in his brain pounded against his skull, screaming for a way out. Tears slid from his eyes into his mouth. He could no longer breath.

The boy opened his eyes and slowly looked back through the hole that was the crawlspace. The searching light and its owners were gone.

The boy emerged from his closet shaking. The house was quiet. The monsters had left. He looked toward his bed, there was nothing. He glanced behind him at the closet, nothing again. He looked toward his bedroom window, at the now closed blinds. Yes, he thought, that’s where the true monsters are.

 

Letters to the Girls I (Once) Love(d): 09

There was a letter written to someone, somewhere, once. It may have read, in part:

“Dear [REDACTED 09],

A cold wind pushed us apart, but I’m hoping the convection currents will allow us to heat up again. I can live in this cycle for the rest of my life, happily, as long as it’s with you. You love my hobbies but sometimes forget they aren’t me. That’s OK, though. I understand it and, if that’s the only way you’re capable of loving me, then I’ll take it.

Do you remember the first time we held hands? The first time we kissed? Made love? I think I do, but it all seems like such a far-away dream at this point. Mountains rising from buildings, and people trimming clouds in their front yard. Beautiful, but nonsensical. That’s how I remember it now.

When you said goodbye to me in that parking lot I knew it would be the last time. I tried to savor the moment – I took still photographs of your hair, eyes, lips, and smile; Recorded your voice and your laugh; I wrote poetry about your movements – All in the hopes that those final few fleeting moments would somehow be immortal.

Of course, they weren’t. How could they be? Even then we were changing. As much as I wanted to steal the sand from our hourglass to hide in my heart and stop time, the grains were too small. They slid right through my fingers and kept falling. I realized then that my memory was all I would have to rely on. It’s a shame memory is so fallible.

You see, eventually my memory of you degraded into dream, and from dream into fantasy, and from fantasy into ideal. My memory of you became almost political, or religious. Remember when we rode bikes to that beautiful church by my apartment? Me neither.

The point is: I was never mad. I know you probably thought I was, and I probably let you believe it. But I wasn’t. You know this already, but it can be very hard to understand the future. Because I saw it, sweetheart, and I didn’t like it. Of all the possible futures that could have been mine, the one without you in it was the one I wanted to avoid. Yet, in my avoidance I actually brought it to fruition. No one has to live with that but me. When it started to come true I panicked. In my mind there was no other option. I was scrambling to find a solution that was never there.

[REDACTED 09], you’ve made me want to burn every piece of paper you’ve inspired me to write. Destroy every happy ending I wish we could have had. And yet, if this were one of my stories you love so much I would have found the solution and our hands would be interlocked as we sleep once again. Unfortunately this isn’t a story, and a solution doesn’t seem possible. Which is exactly why I’m writing. Maybe the answer lies in this complicated equation of words. Either way, I wanted to let you know I haven’t stopped looking and I don’t believe I ever will. Hopefully, one day I’ll be able to make you understand why.”

And someone, somewhere, never read that letter.

 

The Fire

We stood on the corner silently, watching the windows explode. Firemen were running about aimlessly, while curious neighbors walked purposefully toward a better vantage point. People were asking questions: “What happened?” and then “Is everyone alright?” and finally “Did you know her?”

Twenty minutes earlier I was watching television in my living room. The lights were off, as I disliked light where it wasn’t necessary. There were no warning signs that my neighbor’s house was on fire – no sounds, no smells, no sudden flashes of light – I only noticed a steady orange glow coming in through the window. I stood to look next door and saw the flames.

It’s funny how the body reacts to unfamiliar situations. I felt my eyes widen, my stomach tighten, my bowels clench, and my legs start moving without my ordering them to. By the time my mind caught up to my body, I was outside of my house and halfway down the steps. Only then did it occur to me that I should do something, become an active participant in my neighbor’s tragedy. I went back inside and dialed 911.

Returning outside I found the fire had spread. Contained before only to the kitchen, I could see now that there was an orange glow also radiating from the second floor. Suddenly, I heard a scream – and froze. It was the kind of scream reserved for someone seeing their life theatrically. The kind of scream that is more a plea than an outpouring of fear or anger. I realized I was the only one outside.

I felt the pavement grab my legs. I need to go in there, I thought. She needs my help. I have to at least give her the respect of trying.

But then: The firemen will be here soon. You’ve already done all you can. Don’t be brave, you’re not. My legs didn’t fight the pavement’s grasp.

Ten minutes later I stood silently in the crowd, listening to the chorus of sympathy pouring forth for my neighbor. “It’s a shame no one got here sooner,” they said. The firemen hung their heads low as they sprayed water on the smoldering house, no doubt wishing they could have taken that one turn just a little faster.

That night, and most nights afterward, I would have a dream where I run into the house after hearing the scream. I run in and I find my neighbor in the flames, grab her by her arm and pull her to safety. She’s grateful, and everyone tells me how brave I am and then I say, “Anyone would have done the same.”

I have a hard time sleeping now.