Delusions of a Poet
by Luke Tarzian
She is beauty; she is love; she is mine. Her eyes are azure; her hair is caramel. Her voice is heavenly; her lips are sweet. She is Isabelle; my darling; my belle; my everything. Nothing I write captures the extremity of what I feel for her, and I fear nothing ever will. Writing Isabelle on paper is like setting fire to water; stick the torch to the surface and the flame extinguishes; put ink to paper in her name and every feeling vanishes. She is simply not meant to be immortalized in words or rhyme, only in memory. It’s as though looking at her causes any man, any woman, any one person to go blank, forget everything for that one short moment when all your eyes know is beauty beyond anything mortally possible. She is my drug, my poison; she is my Isabelle.
My hand inches closer to the paper before me; words ache to be written. They beg me, and I oblige. But as my pen touches parchment, every word, every letter that makes them up, every vowel, every consonant, every little piece of grammar vanishes from my mind. It’s happening again. I can’t control it; no one can. My eyes have drifted as they always do when she enters the room. Her sweet smile, her glowing eyes, and the tantalizing vanilla smell that she gives off captures my attention and draws me from my seat at the table. My words are left unwritten, forgotten to time. I pull Isabelle to me and kiss her, smiling as I do.
‘I’m off to the city for a while, darling,’ she says.
She walks to the door, her black dress whipping about her knees as a light breeze passes through our home. She smiles at me and walks out into the dusk, leaving me alone to my thoughts and my pen. I sigh as I sit down once again; I no longer remember what it is I wished to write. I sit for hours in motionless silence. Finally, I growl in slight frustration and stand up; perhaps some fresh air will do me well. I leave the paper and pen to mingle on the table and follow Isabelle’s example and walk out into the evening, leaving my home to itself for the time being.
The demons and illnesses of one’s mind are not always present; they tend to lurk in darkness, growing stronger with each day, until they are ready to make themselves present and known to those around them. As night falls over Thae’Nuit, I find myself venturing down one of the many alleys etched into the quaint, peaceful town. I walk slowly at first, enjoying the temporary peace of mind I’ve found. But as quickly as I discover the wonderful sensation that is the absence of stress, it vanishes. Somewhere within the labyrinth of houses and shops and the dark passages they create, I here a soft voice laughing merrily, the joy egged on by a deeper tone. I delve into the maze that is Thae’Nuit until I come to a small house at the edge of town. In the window, I see the silhouettes of a man and a woman as they talk. The man I know not; the serene words of my Isabelle are too familiar to question, though. I inch closer to the house until I’m just under the windowsill.
‘It grows late, dear Nouel,’ she says softly. ‘I must be going. I’ve kept Adrien waiting for hours.’
‘Goodnight, sweet Isabelle- you’re visit was much appreciated,’ says the man called Nouel.
I hurry away from the window, though not quick enough as I witness her silhouette place a kiss on his face and fall into his arms. I think for a moment; I’ve heard that name before, so many times it seems. My mind races and fits of silent rage consume me as I slither back through the shadows. How could she do something like this? How could she betray my love, my trust? Why would she betray me? My thoughts gallop in circles as I immerse myself in anger. Does she not wish for us to be together? Am I to fail in immortalizing my belle in words, fail to conceive one lasting memory of her exquisite beauty? I cannot fathom such a thing, no matter how poorly my mind tends to work at times.
I wander towards the tavern light at the end of the street as the veil of night increases its hold on Thae’Nuit. Isabelle will surely have arrived home by now; at least that’s what I tell myself as I walk; what I hope. I’m never one to pry into another’s endeavors but such a sight…I cannot bring myself to pass it off as something so random, so innocent. I thought I could trust her, I truly did; but it seems with the radiance of Aphrodite, so too comes the deceitful, cunning ways of a thief. I hang my head low as I enter the tavern, erupting with fits of laughter and sloppy, drunken piano playing. The words of the drunk and stupid are muffled and incoherent. I ignore them all as I step up to the bar and seat myself in a stool. I call for an ale and sip it slowly, letting myself drown in misery. I take minutes between chugs, thinking out my words, planning them as carefully as a quarter drunk man can do.
Alas, it is pointless; the moment I see her- set my eyes upon hers- I’ll forget everything I was going to say. Perhaps she is part siren. It seems that even spoken words cannot be contained when gazing at her.
‘If you can’t have her, no one should,’ says a dry voice from behind me.
I turn from my ale to confront the owner of the voice. A ragged, green eyed man stares back at me, his hair disheveled and brown. He looks nearly identical to me. Through my increasing drunkenness, I make out the face of my brother, Francois. He seats himself upon a stool next to me, looking at my green eyes with his own equally intoxicated.
‘If you can’t have her, no one should,’ he says once again as he takes a sip from his mug. He seems to have read my mind, for he knew what troubled my thoughts without myself having to say a single word.
In such a state his words make sense, but I cannot bring myself to listen to them; I love Isabelle too much, no matter what I saw. He sticks out his hand, as if waiting for something; he does this every time we meet.
‘I’ve nothing to give right now, dear brother,’ I say as coherently as possible.
I give Francois a pat on the shoulder and stumble out of the tavern and into the night. The sky is cloudy, moist and cold. Small rays of moon peek through the mass of gray and black as I head home. Francois’s words echo through my head like the screeching of a bird mauled by a cat. What little reason I had for not listening to my brother is dissipating with every step I take, with every drop of ale that swims through my blood. If I cannot have Isabelle, no one can.
The house is dark when I arrive home, save a light from the bedroom. I slither through my kitchen, concealed by darkness. I grab a blade from the drawer and slip it into my belt. Isabelle welcomes me home as I plod through the hallway before our bedchamber. I enter the room; she lies in bed, her eyes tired, and her lips drawn into a smile as she waits for me to join her. The mirror behind me reveals the knife while the one at the end of the room conceals it still. Isabelle looks at me; she can sense that I am troubled.
‘Adrien, darling,’ she calls, ‘what’s the matter, love?’
I stare at her as my blood boils. Francois’s words grow increasingly louder and commanding with each second that passes. I fight to keep the knife concealed for as long as I can but it’s too difficult. I pull the blade from my belt and point the silver tip towards Isabelle. She slinks back in fear as I step towards her, consumed with rage and madness.
‘Adrien…’
She winces in pain as my hand connects with her cheek, leaving a red handprint across her beautiful face. Tears roll down her face as she stares at me, befuddled.
‘Where were you today?’ I spit. She stammers but cannot find the words to explain her day. ‘Who is Nouel?’ I ask her. Her eyes widen.
‘Darling…it’s not what you think,’ she stammers. ‘Nouel, he’s…Adrien…you know who-’
Smack.
I cannot stand this torment anymore. If I cannot put her unfathomable beauty to paper and cannot speak of it without losing train of thought, I’ll do it another way; I’ll make it a memory I shall never forget for as long as I live.
I put the blade to her throat, watching in sick delight as my love of six years trembles with fright I’ve never seen. I find it quite amusing in some twisted manner.
‘Am I the first to experience your deceit, Isabelle? Am I?’ She keeps quiet, too afraid. It seems I’ve gone mad, driven into lunacy. My brother’s voice echoes in my head still, egging me on. ‘It matters not; I’ll be the last one. I loved you, my dear, I truly did. Francois is right; if I can’t have you, no one can.’
I plunge the blade into her throat, bathing in the hot scarlet that pours from the wound. Isabelle remains silent, dead when the knife penetrated her flesh. She falls back against the bed as the crimson soaks the sheets. I plunge the knife into her repeatedly, releasing my sick rage upon her lifeless corpse. After what seems like eternity, I step back to admire my masterpiece; it’s hauntingly beautiful, tragic; it’s poetry without the pen. I lie on the bed next to Isabelle’s dead body, pulling her close to me as I let the blood cover me. I lick the red liquid on my lips; so fresh, so tantalizing. I shudder in macabre contentment as I gaze at Isabelle’s face; her lips are frozen in a silent, anguished scream that never came; her eyes are still and calm, as eerily blue as they were in life. I feel tears of my own as I let the feeling of loneliness sink in.
‘At least…at least I’ll always have this memory,’ I say softly. ‘Our last night together…’
I rise from the bed and walk into the living room, then out the front door of my house, leaving drops of blood and crimson footprints in my wake. I glance behind me for a moment, staring at the sin-filled tomb I call home. I shall see her soon, so very soon. I set my sights on Thae’Nuit and wander into the city, the night air as dead and unwelcome as it was when I left the tavern. I’ve silenced the siren, done away with the alluring creature born of lust and deceit.
I plunge into the maze of houses and shops once more, retracing my steps back to Nouel’s home. I find him sitting on the steps in front of his house, lazily smoking a pipe. He looks at me in alarm as I wander towards him, covered in blood, knife held in front of me.
‘Adrien,’ he says, ‘what are you doing here…what happened to you?’
I glare at him as my anguish takes further hold of me; he’s to blame as well. I cannot think properly anymore. I can only imagine what it will be like when this is all over. I’ll see you soon, dear Isabelle, so very soon…
‘Savor the breath you take, Nouel; it shall be your last,’ I hiss. ‘I know what you did…you and that damnable whore I called mine.’ He looks at me with puzzled eyes. ‘Do not toy with me! I know of your sin…sick, pathetic fornication…’
Nouel steps back towards his front door as if to retreat inside; it seems he’s put two and two together, for his eyes flash fearfully. He deserves death as much as Isabelle…treacherous, deceitful, pathetic excuse for a human being. I’m now teetering on the brink of complete and utter insanity.
‘Adrien, have you gone mad?’ he shouts at me. I dash towards him, pinning him to the wall before he can grab the door handle. My rank, drunken breath escapes my lips as I seethe. ‘What nonsense do you speak of? Who fed you such lies?’
‘The only lies come from your filthy lips,’ I reply. ‘From your lips and that scarlet woman…’
‘Murderous fool,’ hisses Nouel as I put the blade at his neck. His words are tiresome, irrelevant. I slash and let the blood spill onto the pavement, the grass, my clothing and his. ‘I’m Isabelle’s brother, Adrien…you’ve known this for years…’ he rasps as life leaves him.
I stand frozen in shock, unable to comprehend what I’ve just been told. I’ve been deceived, not by Isabelle, but by my own eyes and brother. I fall to my knees as Nouel slumps to the ground. I feel the weight of failure and misconception as my horrible mistake becomes clear.
‘It was…my brother, Francois…he’s responsible, dear Nouel,’ I say softly as he slowly fades. He shakes his head.
‘No, Adrien: That’s the reason…the reason Isabelle and I have been seeing each other so much…she was afraid, said you’d grown worse; you have no brother; you never have,’ coughs Nouel as he falls dead.
His words are the last I shall ever hear. Nothing has ever filled me with so much dread, so much fear and pain. How could I have let this illness take hold of me as much as it has? How long have I been so terribly driven by lunacy? And who is Francois? Was he ever real, or was he just a malevolent voice in my head? I don’t care. His name is just another I’ll never hear, never mention again.
I take the knife and add another life to its collection as I plunge the silver tip into my heart. I die now, a delusional poet tormented into madness by the voice of a man who never existed. My darling Isabelle, please find it in your kind, gentle heart to forgive me; Nouel, my friend, I pray you too can forgive my misguided actions. I hope you both find peace and solace wherever the hands death take you. I shall see you shortly…or never at all.
©Luke Tarzian, 2011
Our First Time With A Knife (Part One)
Your Mom’s Keyboard
I was so happy and excited the day I was bought, still in my package. I thought I may be useful, and used to help type a message that would end the conflict in the Middle East, or maybe I would be used to enter the final formula for solving cold fusion. I had dreams of adventure; destroying you teenager’s enemies, as commands were typed for their avatar. You know I would not have judged them for their choice of troll in the Dwarves’ Alliance.
Ah, but instead you gave me to your mom. She hits my keys, with her index finger, like a kid plays whack-mole. Last week I helped her find lost episodes of Murder She Wrote. Does she know that I have had my caps lock turned on, for three months? Yes, that is the reason she can’t type in her email password.
I am not solving the world’s problems, or on a virtual quest. I know I will last a long time, because she gets plenty of rest. She may use certain keys, way too often. Why does she use LOL so much? However, I do get to type her heartfelt ending note to the grandkids, her traditional XXOOOXXX.
I smell like the big bottle of perfume you bought her in 1983. I take her to look at your facebook status, ten times a day. You should know, not even your mom cares what you had for lunch.
Thanks,
Your Mom’s keyboard
P.S.
You mom is very sweet, this gig isn’t that bad. At least I am not your dad’s keyboard. I am too ashamed to tell you what that keyboard goes through!
Amazing Ann
I was inspired by an amazing woman that I just had to write about. She lives alone in her trailer in a trailer park for 6 months, from April to October for the full season.
In 2010, my Husband and I decided to buy a trailer in this park. We happened to buy it the last week before the park’s closing date, Oct. 15. We did get to meet some people that were still in the park who hadn’t closed up for the season yet. We were told an amazing story about an elderly woman in the park, which we found incredible.
We only had one beautiful day at that time of year, so my Husband and I thought we’d sit out on our deck at our trailer to enjoy the nice weather. An elderly woman came over to welcome us to the park. She was carrying a strawberry cheese cake which she made especially for us. We thought that was so sweet of her, and this was the best strawberry cheese cake we’ve ever tasted. We got introduced, and her name was Ann. She told us she’s been in this trailer park for quite a long time, and loved it along with the people there. The park closed after one short week of purchasing our trailer.
After a long 6 month wait, the park opened in April of 2011. That same woman came over to us and asked if we liked her strawberry cheese cake, which she remembered giving us before the park closed last season. She also asked us if we had a good winter, and welcomed us back. We eventually found out that this was the woman people told us about, being Ann. She has had her trailer in this park since 2003, and was a pensioner. Every year before the park closed in Oct., people had to pay a deposit fee of $500.00 to hold their spot over the winter. This amazing 80 year old woman did the most incredible thing I’ve ever heard about to make money for her deposit fee. She collected empty liquor, wine, or beer bottles from everyone in the park that she could, and people would even drop their empty bottles into her two bungle buggies that she left outside in the back of her trailer. She even went to the parks recycling bins to try and find more, which we’ve both seen her do as our trailer was near the recycling bins. In Canada, we pay a deposit for the bottles that the liquor, wine, or beer is put into, and the empty bottles can be returned to the liquor or beer store for a refund of the deposit at the time of purchase. That’s if you want to do that, and be refunded your deposit of 10 or 20 cents per returnable bottle depending on the size. But the amazing other passion about Ann was that she would also walk approximately 7 kms with one of her empty bungle buggies to a different trailer park, and would go into their recycling bins and collect recyclable bottles that weren’t returned for a refund. She would then walk back to our trailer park with her bungle buggy full of these bottles to take a break from this long walk being the age she was, 80. After a little break, she would then walk over a causeway, which divided a huge lake nearby, with her full bungle buggy of empty bottles, from both parks, to the liquor store in town to cash them in for a refund. The distance from our trailer park to the liquor store was 2 kms each way, and she would continue back over the causeway to our trailer park with her empty bungle buggy. I have tried to walk over that causeway which has no sidewalks; just a very small unpaved shoulder. I’ve never seen anyone walking over the causeway since we’ve driven on it several times. With the busy traffic moving in both directions, I got scared and just couldn’t do that walk, not even one way! I asked Ann how she did that walk, both ways, over the causeway being the way it was. She replied, “I don’t look at the traffic, you will go nuts”. This woman did this almost every day since she arrived in our trailer park since 2003. By doing this adventure, it paid for her deposit fee of $500.00 before the park closed so her spot would be held over the winter months. She told me that she not only did this for the park’s deposit fee, but did it for extra money that she can earn for the cost of baking a lot of delicious pies, butter tarts, cookies or whatever she wants to bake to give to people in the trailer park for whatever reason.
Most of the trailers are run by propane. I asked her how she managed to get her huge tanks filled at a gas station. She said that there is always someone to help her in the park and she awards them with one of her home baked sweet goodies. She said next season in 2012, she will start luncheons in the park by making different kinds of soups, and home baked goodies. She will charge a very small amount for people joining in for lunch. She said the money will also help to go towards park functions. We have a park committee who organizes functions for people such as dances, BBQ’s, special dinners, golfing, etc., whereby people pay a very small fee to the park committee. She said this will also be her way of helping the park committee if they should run short of money, to continue functions in the park.
In the spring of 2011 she had to take a couple of weeks away from the trailer park as one of her many grandsons, and one of her many granddaughters were each planning their weddings. Each of them had about 200 guests at their weddings which were close to the same date. Ann baked all the desserts for each of their weddings. She would never take any hand outs from anyone. If anyone offers to help her with something, or anything in the park, she would always pay back with her wonderful baking, and wouldn’t take no for an answer.
She also told me she doesn’t know how to relax as it would drive her crazy not doing anything. She stays in this park for the full six months and during the winter months, she stays in a retirement home for seniors, and has her own apartment. She even does certain things in the retirement home for the seniors such as baking and helping others. She told me that she sometimes looks after a woman who is 107 years old just to give her family a break, and will do this for a period of one week at a time whenever needed.
Ann also suffered a stroke the early part of 201I. It was a miracle after having this stroke as her doctor told her that she may never walk again. But she was quite the trooper after recovering, and did her long walks again every day which took her longer, and by the way, she did all the baking for those two weddings after her stroke. Eventually, it came to a point that she had to have someone drive her to her destinations of gathering recyclable bottles and returning them to the liquor store for refunds. She became too exhausted to do these long walks. She was so determined to earn her deposits for every year being in the trailer park so she wouldn’t lose her spot for the next season to open. I didn’t ask Ann how she managed to pay for her park fees for the entire season.
Ann is very sad that our trailer park will be closing soon for the season. My Husband and I are also sad for the season to come to an end as that was our first full season being there, and meeting this wonderful woman. I’m so looking forward to seeing her next year when the park opens for another season. She did give me her phone number and address so we will be able keep in touch with this amazing woman that I have ever met. Amazing Ann, she truly is!
© COPYRIGHT – BY JEANNETTE GARDNER (SEPTEMBER, 2011)
Spider-Man vs. Iron Man
A: I have on Spider Man, what are you wearing?
B: Iron Man, but they’re about to come off. I hate wearing underwear! I like to let myself hang free…..if ya know what I mean.
A: I know EXACTLY what you mean. Every time I can get mine off though, my mom throws a hissy fit. I’d rather smother my goods than hear that wailing she does, plus she has this nasty habit of spittin’ when she yells. I wonder if she even knows that she does it.
B: Ewww! Guess that means you wear a lot of ponchos and Wellies eh?
A: Haha, I wish. At least then I would be spared of the smoke-filled spit.
B: Smoke? Your mommy smokes? That’s so yucky!
A: I know. Don’t like it when she kisses me after having a drag.
B: I bet! Gross!
A: The sandbox sure is warm today. Did you pee in it again?
B: No no no no, not today. I only peed yesterday because Dad forgot to bring my shovel and pail. He knows I love my shovel and pail. I know he forgot because before we left he was on the phone with his girlfriend again, Misty. I don’t like her. When she yells at Dad, Dad yells at me. I don’t like being yelled at. It makes me cry. Hard.
A: Don’t be sad about it! I hear my mom yell all the time to her boyfriend, Max. I don’t like Max either. He always smells like beer, the cheap kind.
B: Ewww! How do grown-ups drink that stuff? I tasted it once, and then I spit it out. I’ll never ever ever drink that crap when I grow up!
A: Uh-oh, here comes Jillian.
B: Oh-no! If she comes then we’ll get cooties! Tell her to go away!
A: Go away Jillian! We don’t want your cooties today!
B: Yeah, no cooties for us!
A: She looks mad.
B: So! She’s a cootie queen!
A: She’s walking away now. Whew! That was a close one. I don’t want to get a cootie shot.
B: A cootie shot? Who said you would have to get a cootie shot?
A: Roy. Roy said that Nurse Zimmerman would have to give me a cootie shot with a big needle if a girl touched me.
B: What?! That’s stupid. I ain’t scared of no needle! But I don’t want to take a chance, so no girls allowed in the sandbox from now and forever!
A: Good. I don’t like shots. They’re so scary!
B: Yeah, I know, but I don’t cry when I get them.
A: Do too!
B: Do not!
A: Do too!
B: DO NOT!
A: DO TOO!
B: SHUT UP!
A: NO YOU SHUT UP!
B: I’M GOING TO MAKE YOU EAT THIS SAND IF YOU DON’T SHUT THAT BIG MOUTH OF YOURS!
A: OH YEAH? THEN DO IT!
B: OUUUUCCCCHHHH! YOU’RE GONNA PAY FOR THAT!
A: NOT UNLESS YOU CAN CATCH ME FIRST!
Nice Guys Probably Still Finish Somewhere Ahead of This Guy
This article will be quite personal and
I’m probably going to say a lot things I regret. I’m apologizing for that in advance as I
don’t want to put any unwanted stress on our relationship.
So if any of you actually read what I write, you may remember an article I wrote about a
year and some change ago about becoming recently single. Not much has changed.
Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t been a lonely hermit, confined to his gaming chair, drinking
Red Bull and playing Final Fantasy VI over and over ad infinitum covered in Cheeto dust.
I’ve been out there mingling, meeting, dating and screwing things up. Which brings me to
this:
If I had one superpower, it would be the ability to break up with someone painlessly.
You see, I’m fucking terrible at ending relationships, no matter how insignificant they
may be. I currently possess the uncanny ability to transform women into rage-filled
demons, complete with toothed vaginas, razors for nails and cobras for hair. Like
a cross between Pumpkinhead and Vega from Street Fighter, but with an angry vagina.
I’m not precisely sure of what causes this phenomena, but I’ll fill you in on some
details to offer an intriguing mystery for the more perceptive of readers out there.
Most recently I dated a nice girl with strong family values and a clean mouth. She was
often intrigued by the stories I had to tell of my life experiences. I kind of felt like
a badass telling her stories about how I’d been arrested for rolling down a concrete hill
naked at 3 am, covered in dried Goldschlager (I also had to explain the reason behind
the strange scar on my penis). I could tell that the music I listened to and played
intimidated her and would probably force her parents to shit golden baby Jesuses.
She was the type that accepted everything as it were; never questioned a thing. Her opinions
were flimsy at best, and she didn’t really have strong feelings on any particular subject.
I told her that I was going to buy a tattoo gun and tattoo my own thigh. I told her it would
give me something to do while I was pooping. I continued on about how the tattoo was going
to be of Robocop in a bikini having a water balloon fight with a troll. She believed me.
Then she asked me what a robocop was. That was the moment I knew I had had enough and needed
to break things off. I mean, she never wanted to challenge me in Street Fighter, didn’t
really care for or dislike Hellraiser, and now she’s asking me what a Robocop is?! I mean,
get fucking real. It’s like she lives in some fantasy world where these things don’t matter.
Well, I decided that something had to be done.
So what did I do? Well, I went out on a date with this other girl I thought was pretty hot
with these hot boobs that I thought were sexy. After a pleasant date with hot boobs, I
decided that a.) I wanted to continue to see hot boobs and b.) that meant I had to tell
‘doesn’t know what a robocop is’ that we couldn’t see eachother anymore. Holy shit, the
anxiety and anticipation of telling a girl that you can’t go out anymore is fucking awful.
I paced and paced and ignored a few of her angry phone calls wondering where I was until
I finally found what was left of my manhood and dialed her number. I told her some lies
to soften the blow. I told her that I wasn’t really in a great place to date anyone right
now and that it wouldn’t be fair to her if we continued dating just for her to get hurt
further down the road. Well, she cried a bit, which sucked because I’m horrible with crying
women. After a few days, she sent me a polite message on facebook that expressed her
interest in remaining friends. To be honest, I have no interest in being friends with
someone that doesn’t know who Robocop is, so I didn’t write back immediately. Apparently
that was a bad move as the next day, my inbox was pleasantly greeted by another message
from her. This time, I can actually sum up what was said fairly accurately to you:
“Dear cockjockey,
I fucking hate you. You’re a piece of shit, please die in an icestorm.
Regards,
Still Doesn’t Know What a Robocop Is”
Well, at least I was able to finally bring her to a strong opinion about something. That
message still gives me hair boners. Oh, for fuck’s sake, she was confused by that too. I had
to explain that hair boners were what simple folk commonly refer to as “goosebumps”.
So now I find myself dating hot boobs and watching my interest level dive into a pool of
warm regret. Not regret that I broke up with that one idiot that was nice and doesn’t play
Street Fighter, but a much deeper regret. Regret that I can’t seem to find someone that
lines up with me very well. Someone witty that understands sarcasm. Someone that will talk
shit and can take it when I hurl it back at them. Someone that not only wants to play Contra
with me, but that won’t start stealing my lives by the waterfall stage. Someone
that not only knows who Robocop is, but understands his importance in culture. Someone
with hot boobs. Someone who will watch horror movies with me and has strong opinions on
everything. Someone who thinks everything is either the best thing in the world or the
worst thing in the world. A girl that appreciates the term “hair boners”.
I’m 29 now and I realize that at this point I should be a grown-up with a career and
a house that I own with some children that I own. Yet I am a free spirit that loves Double
Dragon, Hellraiser, metal and hair boners. Roam free, insensitive geeky one, roam free.
The Majestic Imagination
“Wake up.”
“WAKE UP!”
“WAKE UP!!!”
Waking up slowly, feeling relaxed, the man rubbed his eyes from under his glasses, refreshed, stirred from a sleep that felt like the best sleep he had ever had. Stretching his legs, arms, he wondered what had woke him, his sleep, that perfect sleep, he thought, being so deep, he couldn’t remember what had woke him. And coming to think about it, he couldn’t remember much of anything else.
Looking at his hands, the watch on his wrist, the jeans he was in, one knee tore open. The Converse chucks on his feet, he couldn’t remember, or the orange shoelaces laced through them. His name, where he had come from, nor where he was. None of it was coming to him.
“Well hello, hello sleepy head,” a voice said from above him. Looking up, branches stretched out from a large, old tree like arms reaching for the sky, the leaves littering those arms a deep green, a healthy green, casting a cooling shadow over all that was under them. Wondering who had spoken to him, assuming it was someone sitting up in the branches, the man who couldn’t remember anything stood, looking up, not seeing anyone.
“Hello?” he said, his own voice unfamiliar to him, something that was strange. Not knowing your own voice, almost like never hearing it before.
“Hello, again.” The voice wasn’t coming from above, but rather in front of him, directly from the tree. Looking to the source, noticing for the first time a face carved into the wood of the tree. Eyes, a nose, mouth. All the features of a face, in the tree, the bark cut away. And while it was an amazing sight to take in, it was unbelievable to think “it” was what was speaking to him.
“Are you talking to me?” the man asked, not sure if the tree would answer him or if it was someone behind the tree merely playing a joke.
“I think I am talking to you,” the tree said, making the man jump back in disbelief. “I mean, what if you aren’t here, and I am just talking to thin air, imagining that I’m talking to you.”
“Of course I am real,” the man said, stepping towards the talking tree, not seeing any danger in approaching. If it was a killer tree, it would have killed him while he slept under it. “But, how are you real? I mean, how are you talking?”
“With my mouth. And my voice. Isn’t that how everyone talks?” The tree asked, a smile crossing its wooden lips.
“I mean, yes. But, how are YOU, a tree, talking?” Touching the tree, it felt real. The bark was rough to his hand, feeling like bark should feel. Part of him thought it was clever animatronics, like in a Hollywood movie. Maybe I stumbled onto a Hollywood movie set. Or maybe, I’m the star of a movie, who got in an accident and can’t remember his name. Maybe I’m Brad Pitt?!
“I don’t understand your question. I’m talking like you are talking. I’m just, talking. Duh!” The tree’s playful demeanor only reinforced the man’s beliefs. Nodding, thinking it was all a gag, everyone on set knowing he was in an accident, deciding to have a bit of fun with him, “pull his leg”, he was going to go right along with it. Sitting down crossed legged, he was going to see how far they were willing to go with their little joke. Mess with a guy with amnesia. Sick people in Hollyweird, let me tell ya.
“So, what’s your name talking tree?” he asked, wondering at the same time what his name was, not too sure if it was Brad Pitt, hoping it was. Brad Pitt is such a badass. I really hope I’m him.
“Birch.” Smiling, the tree was proud of his name.
“Birch?” The man laughed. The tree, old, tall, was no birch, instead being an oak. Whoever is doing the voice is clever, but doesn’t know their tree’s too well. “How’d you get your name Birch?” The last time he said the tree’s name it was with a sarcastic tone.
“Maddie named me, mister. And since you keep asking me questions, let me ask you one. What’s your name?”
“Well,” thinking, the man said the only thing that felt right at the moment, “Brad Pitt. My name is Brad Pitt.”
“No it’s not. You don’t look like a Brad Pitt at all.” Birch shrugged its eyebrows, knowing the man was just saying a name, knowing all too well he didn’t know who he was.
“How’d you know? Do you even know what ‘a Brad Pitt’ looks like?” The man felt like he was arguing with a child, but instead he was arguing with a damn talking tree.
“I don’t but I bet it doesn’t look like you. See, I think you look more like a…. An Albert. Yeah, you’re definitely an Albert.” Sticking out its tongue, Birch definitely acted like a child.
“No, I know I don’t look like an Albert. I am not an Albert.” Crossing his arms, but only for a moment, the man stood, uncrossing them, not daring to stoop down to “their” level, “Their” being the ones who he thought were working the tree. Now I’m starting to act like a child.
“Do you know what you look like? No. Which means you don’t know what an Albert looks like. AND, you don’t know who you are, I know you don’ t, so don’t lie Albert,” the man kept silent, the talking damn tree correct, he didn’t actually know who he was. “Which means you don’t know who you aren’t, SO, you could, or could not be an Albert. Until you can prove to me you aren’t, you mister, are Albert.” Sticking out its tongue again, “Albert” realized he had just lost an argument over his identity to a talking tree.
“Then Albert I shall be,” he gave in, just letting “them” win. “Who is Maddie? You said Maddie named you Birch?”
“Oh, you know Maddie. We all do. She’s the reason for all us Majestic’s.” Albert, confused, had no idea what Birch was going on about. Wow, they are good, he thought, still thinking it was an animatronic tree being used to mess with him.
“Let’s pretend that I don’t know who Maddie is,” which Albert wasn’t pretending, he really didn’t know, but since the tree, Birch, was acting like a child, he would talk to it like he would a child. “Tell me about her.”
“She is so smart. And gifted. And a great story teller. She used to sit and tell me the best stories. She could make up anything, and the way she told it. If it was sad story, I’d want to cry. A happy story I’d laugh. And don’t get me started with the scary stories.” Closing its eyes, Birch didn’t want to think about the scary stories. Nightmares for days would follow.
“Wow, she seems, cool.” Cool was the only word Albert could think of to describe Birch’s take on this Maddie person.
“Oh how she is cool. So cool Albert.” Smiling, Birch always smiled when he thought of Maddie.
“And you said she’s the reason for all us Majestic’s?” Albert asked.
“Stop asking the poor sapling so many questions lad,” a new voice came from behind Albert, making him turn to again stand in disbelief, a unicorn there. The beast, a white stallion with a sparkling horn was breathtaking in its own right, but the checkered sweater vest and monocle were confusing, making Albert raise an eyebrow. This has to be the strangest practical joke in history.
“Now a talking unicorn.” Albert was almost speechless, only able to point out the obvious.
“I do have a name good sir. I am a dignified individual, not just a beast.” The unicorn, speaking with a thick British accent, chin high, horn catching the light, shimmering and twinkling in all its glory.
“And your name is?” Albert said.
“Mr. Q, or Kwu for those who like the letters K-W-U.” Bowing in greeting, Albert couldn’t help but laugh.
“Mr. Q?” he asked, still laughing, the unicorn a bit irritated by the man’s rudeness.
“No Albert. Mr. Q, or Kwu for those who like the letter’s K-W-U,” Birch corrected the man.
“Or, just Mr. Q for short,” Mr. Q finished. “And to answer the question you asked the young sapling before I intervened, we, as in you, I, Birch, all of us here in the Fields, are Majestic’s.”
Looking around, everything around him came into realization, all the sights hitting his brain like a cement truck, almost too much to take in at once. A group of violins floating through the air off in the distance playing on their own; a man in a violet suit floating on what looked like a colorful cloud at first, but upon closer inspection the colorful cloud being hundreds of violet and silver butterflies, flying below the man, holding him in the air while he inspected his nails.
A two story farm house, run down, old, the windows broken; a storm cloud above it, rain falling in sheets, lighting cracking the sky. And that was the thing that made that scene so strange. The storm was only happening above the house, the dark, ominous cloud ONLY above the farm house.
And then the fact that he was talking to a tree and to a unicorn, a unicorn in a sweater vest and monocle, none the less. And they were both talking back. Looking from Mr. Q to Birch and back, then to everything else in the field, Albert didn’t know what to think, but he knew he wasn’t Brad Pitt, nor part of a hollyweird set joke.
“What is going on? This is a dream, it’s all a dream. Just a drug, or heavy alcohol induced dream,” Albert said to himself, trying to get a grip on what was happening.
“Nope. Not a dream,” Birch said, giggling at Albert’s sudden distraught behavior.
“Not even close sir,” Mr. Q added. “WE, as I just stated are Majestic’s. Created by Maddie, and this is the Fields, though it’s only one Field, making you wonder why the name is plural.”
“No, this is a dream. OR, this is a story, and we are characters.” The thought was crazy, but so is a talking tree and unicorn. A UNICORN IN A SWEATER VEST!
“Oh please Albert,” Mr. Q began, insulted. “Do you really think we are nothing more than some minor characters in some whimsical story being written as we speak. I am insulted sir.”
“YOU ARE A TALKING UNICORN WITH A NAME THAT MAKES NO SENSE!” Albert yelled, his confusion turning to anger and frustration.
“And you are an angry man who doesn’t even know his name. Do you even know why Maddie thought you up? Huh, do you? And you dare yell at me. I sir walk on all four legs because I am PROUD to be a unicorn, but you don’t have to call me one simply because. Hmph.” Galloping off, Mr. Q, or Kwu for those who like the letters K-W-U, left Albert and Birch, Birch laughing at the two’s ended argument, Albert even more confused.
“I know why Maddie made me,” Birch said, voice thick with proud enthusiasm to tell about his creation. “Maddie wanted to tell her stories to someone. And her neighbor, Old Mister I-Don’t-Remember-His-Name had a tree with a face he had carved into it. So one day Maddie gave the tree life, and a personality, and a name. Guess what name she gave it?”
“Uh, Birch,” Albert said, his brain hurting from trying to figure out just what the hell was going on.
“Yeah, yeah. It was Birch. You’re smart Albert. Maddie named me Birch, and she would tell me stories, the best stories.”
“Here, she would tell you them here?” Albert asked, wondering if he was a made up creation from the mind of this Maddie person. Come on man, you are not a made up “thing”.
“No silly. I didn’t come to the Field’s till after Maddie got tired telling me stories. It was a sad day, but she moved on. I’m better now. I can still remember every single one of her stories. Every one of them!”
“And Mr. Q? Why’d she think him up?” Looking in the direction of where the unicorn had galloped off to, he was nowhere in sight, having disappeared among the tall grass of the never ending field.
“I was thought up to assist with high school English homework,” the voice came from behind Albert, startling him, the man not even realizing the unicorn had returned.
“English homework? Why would she imagine a unicorn for that?” Albert asked, none of it making any sense at all.
“She had a unicorn bookmark, and she loved to study in the woods. So she created me to assist her. Now you’re turn. Why did she imagine you? Hmmm. Please share. I would love to know why she would imagine such a rude, amnesiac bipedal creature? You’re not even unique from other humans.” Naying in an insult like manner, Mr. Q had done the trick, making Albert ponder his existence. Albert didn’t believe he was made up, but if he was, why wasn’t he unique, like a talking tree, or a prick unicorn in a sweater vest.
Though he couldn’t see himself, or remember what he looked like, to a normal person, Albert would look just that, normal. In a t-shirt, jeans and chucks, black baseball cap and thick black rimmed glasses, he wasn’t overly attractive. His eyes were just sky blue, his hair chestnut brown, and his smile was just a smile. He didn’t have any extra limbs or fingers, and he couldn’t do anything spectacular, which would explain why he couldn’t believe he was just a made up creature, or a Majestic as Mr. Q had called them.
“I don’t know why. The last thing I remember is walking down a crowded street.” Thinking as hard as he could, thinking about that crowded street, walking through and past the people, bumping elbows with folks he would never see again, looking at faces he wouldn’t remember, one face stuck out in his mind. One face that was perfectly remembered. “And then there she was.”
“Maddie,” Birch and Mr. Q said simultaneously. “Blond hair, perfect smile. Pale blue eyes that you can just swim in.” Mr. Q spoke, describing in perfect words exactly what the girl looked like that Albert was remembering. “I think I get why you were imagined Albert,” Mr. Q said, one eyebrow raised, the eyebrow above the monocle, his British voice thick with a ponderous tone. “You are the first Majestic to come to the Field’s since the Violins Magnifico.” Motioning with his head, his horn pointing off in the distance to the floating, playing violins, Albert looked at them, silent, their beautiful music just barely audible on the soft breeze that was blowing through the Field’s.
“Oh how I love the Violins Magnifico!” Birch added, interrupting Mr. Q’s train of thought. “Maddie thought them up to help her with her violin practices!” Birch, so proud to help out.
“Yes yes Birch. I love them too,” Mr. Q continued. “Anyways, where was I…. Oh yes, first Majestic in a while. You sir, are what I believe to be her, oh how I don’t understand this but I shall say it anyways…. You are her perfect man.” Not believing what he had just said, it seemed only logical to Mr. Q, Birch only able to giggle at this conclusion.
“How can I be her perfect man?” Albert asked, “I don’t even know anything about her.” It was true. All he knew about Maddie was what Birch and Mr. Q had told him about her. That, and he guessed she had been the one he could remember from the street.
“The only thing you can remember is walking down the street right?” Mr. Q asked Albert, Albert nodding his head. “And the only person who can remember is her?” Again, a nod from Albert. “See. Maddie is all grown up. And she is lonely. So, she imagined her perfect man, for one moment, walking past her on the street, and you blew it. You walked right on past her. So just like the rest of us, you were sent to the Field’s, cause she moved you from the real part of her mind, back to the imaginary.”
“How,” the coming question the only thing Albert could think to say, everything else being too much for his brain to even attempt to process at once. “Can this Maddie person imagine us real? I mean, I feel real.” Reaching over, touching Mr. Q, who felt real to the touch, Mr. Q not pleased to be touched though. And thinking about Birch, Birch had felt real to his touch.
“We are real Albert. Quite real indeed. And we are real, because Maddie is a special girl. She has a gift…” Mr. Q, about to finish his sentence about Maddie and her gift, was interrupted by Birch, the child-like tree wanting to tell its new friend Albert instead of the unicorn.
“I WANT TO TELL HIM! CAN I TELL HIM!” Birch shouted, much to both Albert and Mr. Q’s annoyance. Both said yes quickly to shush the tree up and get it to just continue. “Maddie told me all about it. When she was a little Maddie, her daddy left, leaving her with her mean ol’ mommy. But before her daddy went away for forever, he told her one thing. He told her, if she ever needed anyone, anyone at all, they would always be right here, and when he said right here, he tapped his head, and those anyone would come to be there with her. But little Maddie didn’t understand when her daddy tapped his head with his fingers, so she asked him, ‘daddy, what do you mean they will be here?’ and she tapped her own head with her fingers. So her daddy told her.”
“I’ll finish now lil sapling,” Mr. Q said, Birch not happy with being interrupted, but letting the unicorn finish, not wanting to be mean, though Mr. Q was being awful mean for not letting him finish, Birch thought. “Maddie’s father told her to use her imagination if she ever needed anyone. And she took the last thing her father had said to heart. And so, anytime she needed someone, when no one in her life would listen to her; when little Maddie was invisible and needed a friend to be invisible with her, she would think of one of us.”
“So, we are her invisible friends?” Albert asked, thinking he was beginning to understand, but still not believing that he was a made up friend of a little girl.
“No, no, no Albert.” Mr. Q was losing patience with all the man’s silly questions. “It’s really not that hard to grasp. Maddie was invisible to everyone around her. Her father had been the only one who was there for her, so when he left, she was left alone. But from what he had told her, she was able to make new people. People who were there for her. To help her. To listen to her. To help her grow. We are real, but we are created from her imagination, so when she doesn’t need us anymore, when we have helped her best we can, we go back to the imagination. But we are too ‘real’ to just go back to just any imagination. Thus…” Again interrupted by Birch.
“THE FIELD’S! Home to us Majestic’s!” Birch exclaimed loudly. Floating over on his cloud of butterflies, the man in the violet suit seemed uninterested with anything going on around the excited tree, looking more than bored with what seemed like everything.
“Why are we called Majestic’s?” Albert asked, this time the man in the violet suit answering.
“You sure do ask a lot of questions. It is rather annoying if you ask me,” the violet suited man spoke. Lounging on his cloud of butterflies, he wore a top hat, the same shade of violet as his suit, his skin bone white, black tattoo’s adorning his face. His fingernails, which he admired all the while he spoke, were black, with flecks of silver in them, the silver glittery in the light, much like Mr. Q’s horn.
“Nobody asked you Sandman.” Mr. Q replied, the unicorn not a big fan of the violet suited man, usually avoiding him in the Field’s.
“The Sandman was made to help Maddie sleep one night during a thunder storm. Her mommy wouldn’t come tuck her in or give her a kiss or nothing…” Birch began, excitedly, but the Sandman finished.
“So I came and looked over her. The lightning frightened her, but I made it better, telling her stories about Dreamscape, and the wonders of the world of Dreams.” Oozing with egotism, the Sandman was overly proud in that fact, that he had helped Maddie find sleep on stormy nights.
“Alright, I accept it then. I was made up by Maddie, and if what you say is true Mr. Q, then I’m her perfect man, or was, until I blew it.” Albert felt a pain that he couldn’t describe. It’s almost unfair. I blew something that I didn’t even know I was supposed to try at. What the hell? How is that even right?
“Way to go,” The Sandman spoke. “She loved everyone of us, you know. But she loved us as friends. You, she wanted you to love her more than a friend. She wanted someone she could love back, with all her heart, and whelp, you messed that all up now didn’t you?”
“Wow, you really are a pompous dick aren’t you? Must not of liked you too much, you’re here in the Field’s too, aren’t you?” Albert wasn’t liking the Sandman too much, and though he had retorted back, his remark getting quiet, terribly hidden laughs from both the unicorn and the tree, the Sandman finally looking up to glare at all three of them, Albert couldn’t deny what the Sandman had said was true. Maddie had been looking for a new kind of love, and he walked right on by her. “But I did mess it all up. She made me up to be there for her, like all you had. And right on by I walked, right to here, back to not even being a real person anymore.”
“And you had the chance to be real too,” Mr. Q said. “I’m a unicorn in a sweater vest. What chance do I stand in a crowded room?” His voice sad, it was really the first time he had ever thought of it that way. “You don’t belong here Albert. You belong with Maddie.” When he said this, Birch, and even the Sandman agreed.
“Yeah Albert, you got to make her happy and love her, and stuff,” Birch said.
“We were there for her, but the unicorn with the stupid name is right,” the Sandman said, Mr. Q muttering under his breath about him at least having a name. “None of us could stand a chance in the real world with Maddie. At least you’d have a chance to be there forever.”
“But, here I am, in the Field’s, just another forgotten Majestic.” Sitting down, Albert was unhappy. First, he couldn’t remember who he was. Then, he lost an argument to a talking tree about who he was, not being Brad Pitt, disappointedly, instead being named Albert by the said talking tree. Finally, after learning he was a made up person, he had failed in his one task as said made up person. His short existence was a sad, depressing one. “This sucks.”
“But wait!” Birch exclaimed, in the already expected, annoying excitement that Albert expected from the tree. “There might be a way for you to go back and try again Albert!” Albert, curious, looked to the tree, waiting to hear more.
“Don’t even say it tree,” the Sandman said, floating off, finished speaking to the three, knowing that if what he thought the tree was thinking of was about to be brought up, he wanted no part of it.
“Yes lil sapling, leave it be.” Mr. Q knew exactly was Birch was going to say, and thought it would be best to leave the idea alone, not even mentioning it to the newest Majestic.
“No, what is it?” Albert asked, wanting to know.
“Let me tell him, please. PLEEEEEAAAAAAASSSSSEEEEEE!” All the while Birch said please, Mr. Q kept repeating the word no, over and over, for several minutes, till Albert couldn’t stand it.
“JUST TELL ME DAMMIT!” he shouted, the two creatures shutting up, Birch sticking its tongue out, Mr. Q doing the same, then snorting as he again galloped off in anger and defeat.
“See that ooky, spooky house over there?” Birch’s eyes turned towards the house. As Albert turned to look at it, knowing the house the tree was speaking of, having looked it over earlier in his initial take of the Field’s, the Violins Magnifico approached, the violin’s playing a haunting song, only adding to the effect. “Inside, there is a nasty old witch, and they say that she holds a treasure. The treasure is said to be there to let one of us go to Maddie without her calling them.”
“What’s the treasure?” Albert asked, having goosebumps, the look of the house and the haunting violin music having the effect on him, a slight shiver crawling up his spine as his mind made up what the witch looked like, if there even was a witch at all.
“There is no treasure,” Mr. Q said, yet again sneaking up on Albert, making the man jump clean off the ground, much to the unicorn’s amusement.
“Jesus Christ in a half shell, would you stop that!” Albert yelled at the unicorn, his hand over his heart, making sure it wasn’t going to jump from his chest, the damn thing beating so hard. “And are you just saying there is no treasure so I don’t go in there, or do you know that there is no treasure?” The unicorn avoided answering, his attention on Violins Magnifico. “Well?”
“Fine, there is a treasure. But, the witch will rip the flesh right from your bones, and then drink you blood mate. It’s crazy to go in there. Suicide.” The unicorn shuddered, clearly shaken by thoughts of the witch.
Looking at the house, Albert’s mind was made up. I failed you once Maddie. Not again. Determined to go into the house and find out if what Birch was saying was true, and if it was, then he was going to love the woman that made him to love her.
“I have to go. Maddie needs me.” Looking to Mr. Q, then to Birch, they both understood perfectly why he had to do it. They were created by Maddie to be there for Maddie. And just like them, Albert was created for her, and he had to do what he thought was best for her.
“Go get that treasure Albert!” Birch exclaimed.
“And do be safe lad,” Mr. Q, whispered. “And tell Maddie hello if you do succeed.”
“And tell her I said hi too,” Birch added. “And that I miss her stories. And ask her how’s she’s been? Well, never mind. I guess you won’t be able to tell me huh? So tell her I’ve been good. And that I miss her, bunches….” Birch continued to yell things for Albert to tell Maddie, but Albert was walking through the Field’s, heading to the house to face the witch, the Violin’s Magnifico behind him, Mozart’s O Fortuna playing off their strings, only making him more determined to succeed.
“It’s time to kick a witch’s ass and get some treasure,” he said to himself, a cocky smirk forming on his lips as he turned his cap backwards, the music from the violins getting his “jacked”. Balling his hands into fists, he took off into a run. Let’s see if you can keep up Violins Magnifico. Man that’s a badass name. And these were Albert’s final thoughts as he ran to meet his only chance to get back to the woman he was made to love.
*
She sat on the park bench, idly watching people walk past her, the gaze of her eyes telling anyone who paid attention that Maddie was daydreaming, thinking of someplace else, rather than the here and now. Her hair, blond, almost white, was tied back in a pony tail, and her glasses reflected what mid-afternoon sun broke through the canopy of tree leaves in the park that day.
Maddie felt as though her life was missing something, but then again, she knew what it was missing, trying to pass the feelings of emptiness off as an upset tummy. She needed someone to love, and someone to love her back. She had, like most people, had her fair share of failed relationships, and it had been over a year since the last catastrophe that she had been a part of, with a certain arrogant prick named Rick.
Her mind bouncing from here to there, thinking about so much at once, she finally got it to slow down, Maddie remembering a man she had passed earlier that week on the street. He had smiled when he walked by, his face shaded by a baseball cap, his gorgeous eyes behind thick framed glasses. When Maddie had seen that smile, she blushed. She didn’t even know why. She hadn’t blushed since she was kid. After walking past him, or, after he walked right past her, she felt that emptiness, the emptiness that could only be filled by three little words from someone else.
I.
Love.
You.
Maddie mouthed those words while she imagined that man, imagined what he would be like. Kind, sensitive, funny, caring. Staring at her hand, the free one, her other clutching her notebook as it so normally was, a picture was starting to take shape from thin air, an old Polaroid, the black of the picture coming into shape from tiny, black flecks, almost like sand swirling around her hand.
After the Polaroid itself was formed, in seconds mind you, the image on the picture itself began to come too. Maddie watched, as at first it was hard to tell what it was of, the image white, the color of it becoming evident, as though the picture really had just been taken moments before.
In about a minute’s time, held between her forefinger and thumb, Maddie held the Polaroid, now captured on it a picture that was never taken, but one that she was simply imaging. Her and the man that had passed her. She was sitting on his lap, and he was kissing her cheek through a smile, a hearty giggle obviously spilling out from her lips past her own wide grin. The picture made Maddie smile, but, she knew it wasn’t real.
Blinking, the picture was gone. She had always had an overactive imagination, able to create anything with just the power of her mind. It was why she was perfect at what she did. An author, and a best-selling one at that, taking that over-active imagination and putting it to some damn good use. But it had been a while since she had written anything. She just wasn’t inspired like she used to be. She needed something, almost magical, to step into her life to get her back on her feet.
*
Hiding, Albert held his breath, praying the beast didn’t find him. In the midst of what he thought was going to be a single man, brave assault on the house holding the witch, Albert hadn’t expected any “problems” to arise before he even entered the house. But anyone would think an eight foot tall Minotaur in a pin striped suit with a Tommy-gun was a problem.
Having stepped out from around the house, acting as a guard, the Minotaur had seen the foolish man running up, followed by the Violins Magnifico, but the instance the beast made its presence, the instruments high tailed it in the opposite direction, and the man disappeared in the high grass, falling to his stomach. The Minotaur could only laugh a deep baritone laugh.
“Why the hell would she imagine that goddamn thing!?!” Albert whispered harshly to himself, utterly lost on what pretense Maddie would think up a BIGASS MINOTAUR WITH A MACHINE GUN! COME ON!!
Just lying there, prone on his stomach watching the monster through the blades of the high grass that also served as his hiding grace, Albert’s rush of “badassery”, which had mostly been fueled by the Violins Magnifico music, was all but vanished completely. He knew he stood no chance against the minotaur alone, but lucky for him, so did the other Majestic’s.
“I do believe it’s time to fall back and re-strategize,” Mr. Q whispered, making Albert jump, the man not hearing the unicorn even approach. Crawling on his stomach, staying low, Mr. Q had seen the minotaur appear, and also saw the cowardly move made by Albert to hide, although Mr. Q thought, Cowardly, but smart. Though running in there alone was a stupid idea to begin with. Men and their ideas of valor and chivalry. Bollocks if you ask me…
Albert and Mr. Q crawling back, the Minotaur could see them, making an escape, and he could’ve cared less. Just laughing that deep, baritone laugh and snorting, the monster returned to the back of the house, going down into the cellar until the foolish man attempted another brave assault.
Back at Birch, Albert was breathing hard, having military crawled until the grass was a bit smaller, and only after looking back and seeing the beast gone. Turning his cap back around, trying to catch his breath, he had to ask the obvious question.
“WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!?” he asked, pointing towards the house, both Mr. Q and Birch knowing that he was asking about the Minotaur.
“That sir, is Valentine,” Mr. Q began. “One afternoon while Maddie was watching a documentary on the infamous Al Capone, she had thought she heard the word ‘monster’ instead of mobster, making her wonder what would happen if a mobster was a monster. Hence, the big bad Minotaur that perceives itself a gangster.”
“And how long did that thing stay in the real world. I mean, an eight foot tall, walking BULL IN A FEDORA MIGHT ATTRACT SOME ATTENTION!!!” Albert was distraught. He had thought he was going to be facing a witch, maybe a witch with some nasty spells and magic, but he had believed only a witch. NOT A GODDAMN MINOTAUR WITH A MACHINE GUN!!!
“It was only for a brief moment. Maddie had imagined him, never even looked at him or acknowledged him, and then poof! He was here in the Field’s with us. And not a happy camper for being ignored.” Mr. Q shook his head, feeling almost bad for the beast. Almost. “So the witch took him in, and now, from what you just saw, he acts like her self-appointed guardian.”
“Well, Valentine,” Albert thought the name was slightly comical as he said it, “could rip me in half if he wanted to. So I need a new plan.”
“I got an idea,” the tree said, speaking for the first time since Albert had returned from his quick failed attempt to get the treasure.
“And what’s that?” Albert asked, curious to see what the tree would say, thinking maybe Birch was smarter than his demeanor would lead others to believe otherwise.
“We use a catapult to launch you overtop the house, with just the perfect trajectory that once you are overtop, you release your parachute, floating down without being noticed, thanks to Mr. Q and I laying down your distraction. An assault from the front, after we release a heavy barrage of smoke grenades, concealing our own entrance. You go in through the roof Albert, while we take care of big ol’ mean Valentine.” Smiling, Birch was very satisfied with his plan, while Albert and Mr. Q stood dumbfounded, open jawed, and confused.
“That’s a good plan lil’ sapling,” Mr. Q began, Albert finishing for him.
“But we don’t have any of those things what-so-ever.” For a brief moment, the intelligence displayed by Birch had been phenomenal, but only for a brief moment, the innocent child-like personality returning as it realized Albert was right.
“Oh shoot. You are right,” Birch said, frowning. “Well darn it. Now what?” And Birch’s question was on all three of their minds. Now what exactly? Albert thought, not sure what to do.
“What if we help you?” The Sandman asked, floating over the trio on his cloud of butterflies. The question puzzled Mr. Q and Birch, who didn’t see the Sandman as one to offer any sort of assistance to anyone, but Albert was willing to use any help he could get.
“Yes, what if we help?” Mr. Q quickly added, not wanting the Sandman to seem like the savior of the moment.
“I want to help! HOW CAN I HELP!?” Birch yelled, overly excited for the situation. The Sandman, annoyed by the tree, had his cloud of butterflies fly him upwards towards Birch’s top, to which the violet suited man proceeded to break off two branches from the tree. “OUCH! YOU DICK!!” Birch called the Sandman for his action, having learned the word “dick” from Albert.
“Now, why did you do that?” Albert asked, the Sandman floating back down, the branches in his hands, a devilish smile on his bone white face.
“He wanted to know how he could help,” the Sandman said, looking to the angry Birch. Taking the two branches in his hands, closing his eyes, a violet glow emanated, so bright, everyone else had to look away. Albert, shielding his eyes with his hand, the light still seemed to find a way to get through the cracks of his fingers, so amazingly bright.
When it was all said and done, the brightness fading, Albert, Mr. Q and Birch looked upon the Sandman who stood, his butterflies gone, a sword in one hand, a cane in the other. The sword, sterling silver bladed, with a violet hilt, was gorgeous, the blade shining in the light, the hilt guard an entwined work of swirling metal. As for the cane, the stick itself was black, the head of it a miniature version of the Sandman’s head, one eye winking one would notice if the face was closely inspected.
“In the name of Maddie,” the Sandman said, holding the blade of the rapier like sword, allowing Albert to take the hilt, the moment his hand touched it, a tingling feeling passing through his palm, disappearing farther up his arm, almost like getting shocked.
“How’d you do that?” Birch asked, astounded by what the Sandman had just done.
“We are creatures of magic.” Raising one eyebrow, grinning, the Sandman spun his cane, and upon hitting the tip to the ground, a small show of violet sparks erupted. “Now, are we going to stop a witch and get this Majestic to our Maddie or are we going to sit here and be nothing more than imaginary friends?”
“Let’s kill us a witch and get this lad to Maddie!” Mr. Q said, bowing down before the sword wielding man, a motion for Albert to get on him. “I would be honored to be your steed as we rode into this battle.” Eyes closed, the unicorn waited for Albert to get on, but Albert was hesistant.
“I can walk there. I mean, I have this sword, and I don’ t want to ruin your sweater vest. And…” Making up excuses, Albert didn’t want to admit that he would just find it weird to ride a talking unicorn wearing a sweater vest.
“Just get on dammit!” Mr. Q insulted, the man already wasting time. Albert listening, awkwardly got on, and the unicorn standing back up proudly, Albert positioning himself to where he wouldn’t fall, they were almost ready.
Feeling something in the air, something coming at him, carried on the light breeze that was blowing through the Field’s, Albert, lifting his hand and without looking, snatched the picture from the air, the Polaroid held between his fingers and thumb.
Looking at it, it was Maddie sitting on his lap, him kissing her on the cheek, both smiling like teenagers in love. The picture gave him butterflies in his stomach. Putting the picture in his back pocket, tucking it in so it wouldn’t fall out, Albert was ready.
“Let’s kill us a witch!” he stated proudly, holding the sword in the air, Mr. Q’s head up, his mane of white hair flowing in the wind, his horn shining. Letting the monocle fall the ground, the unicorn would have looked the part of a majestic steed, if not for the sweater vest.
“Not just yet,” the Sandman said, snapping his fingers. From around Birch, the Violins Magnifico slowly appeared, the group of flying violins almost appearing frightened, shaking violently. “Yes you, come here,” the Sandman spoke to the instruments. “Now, when Albert speaks, you will begin our epic battle theme.”
“We have a battle theme,” Birch, Albert and Mr. Q all asked at the same time.
“Of course we have a battle theme. Now, are you going to lead us into battle lover boy?” The Sandman’s words were almost as inspiring as the music played earlier by the violins on Albert’s first attempt.
“LETS DO THIS!!! MAJESTICS HOOOOOOOEEEEE!!!!!” And on that note, Mr. Q launched into a hard gallop, Albert held the sword high, and the Sandman was left standing with Birch wondering what the hell the man had just yelled. Shrugging he leaped, his butterflies returned, carrying him to the house as well, the Violins Magnifico behind the trio, playing Europe’s Final Countdown.
*
“…It’s the final countdown!” Maddie’s cell phone rang out, the ringer set on high, a few people around her turning her way to wonder why a girl looking like her had a ringtone like that. Smiling, she loved those looks, hence the reason her ringer was always on high.
“Hello Ruth,” Maddie said, answering the phone to her editor and manager, whom she’d been ignoring for the better part of a month.
“So she does answer her phone!” Ruth said, not too happy that it had taken so long to get in touch with her favorite author, although that said favorite hadn’t written anything in almost six months. “How are you Madeline?”
“Just fine. Just enjoying my tea,” Maddie said, taking a nice long, loud sip from her cup of green tea with just a splash of peach juice. Delicious. Ruth was a few years older than Maddie, and while the two could have been best friends, their relationship had always remained professional. Except for the night that Maddie’s first book made the New York Times best sellers list. That night a lot of Peach Schnapps had been consumed between the two. And Maddie could honestly say that would be the only time she’d ever kissed another woman. Or better yet, made out with one.
“Maddie, you really need to get back into your groove thing girl. Are you working on anything? Anything at all.” It was always business with Ruth. Maddie, setting her tea cup down, opened up her composition notebook, flipping through the pages of hand written poetry and short stories, small doodles drawn sporadically throughout.
“I’ve got one thing coming, but, yeah.” Maddie had been working on a short. The story being one she’d been working on for a bit of time. The ending just wasn’t coming to her.
“What do you mean, ‘yeah’?” Ruth asked.
“I’ll get back to you on that Ruth, got my tea to enjoy,” Maddie said, hanging up, a smile on her face knowing just how angry her manager was at that moment. Pushing her tea away, she wasn’t really in the mood for it, and she was still waiting on the waitress to bring her the bagel and cream cheese that she had ordered twenty minutes before.
Going to the last page of the notebook, seeing where she had left off, she had to figure out what was keeping her from finishing it. It was by far the best short story she had ever written, in her opinion anyway, since no one had ever read it. I just need my inspiration to come along. That’s all I need.
*
Valentine had been alerted by the witch that the idiotic man was again attempting an assault of the house, but this time he was accompanied by the unicorn and Sandman. And the violins. Valentine hated the violins.
Coming around the house just as the “heroes” and the damn violins were closing in, Valentine dug his hooves in, and opening fire, unloaded a barrage of rounds from his Tommy-gun, the only noise louder than the rattle of the expended shells being that of his deep, psychotic, baritone laugh.
Albert, seeing the Minotaur appear, knowing what was coming, wasn’t sure how they were going to get past the monster. Expecting that the Valentine was going to open fire on them, Albert hadn’t been expecting for the rounds to stop in the air in front of the still moving group, the bullets colliding with what appeared to be a magic shield. Every time a bullet was stopped, for a brief instance, a ripple of blue could be seen, showing the magic shield that was protecting them.
“What’s stopping those bullets?” Albert asked.
“We are magical creatures after all,” Mr. Q said, eyes narrowed, the thrill of the assault passing through him, helping him in channeling his magic, his horn shimmering the same blue tint as the shield ripples. “When we get close Albert, roll off. I’ll take care of Valentine!” Albert just nodded.
Close enough that the smell of gunpowder was thick in the air, Albert rolled off, staying low in the grass, the magic shield not protecting him anymore as Mr. Q galloped forward to face the Minotaur one-on-one.
Picking up speed, pushing all his might into his magic, pushing that magic through to the shield, Mr. Q made a bee line for Valentine, the Minotaur in turn focusing all his rounds on the unicorn, none of the bullets doing any damage, all stopped by the magic shield. In the moment before the two collided, Valentine, tossing the gun, not needing it, dug his hooves in even more, and tearing the fedora from his horned head, hands and arms extended, waiting for the unicorn to meet him, he let out a mighty roar, saliva flying from his mouth.
In an ear deafening clap that rivaled even the thunder roaring above the house, Mr. Q crashed into the awaiting Minotaur, the magic shield shattering into a trillion blue specks, all dissipating in the air as the two mythological creatures flew through the front of the farm house, into the home. Rolling around inside the home, in the cobweb infested living room, tossing, snorting, grunting, the two beasts battled, leaving Albert and the Sandman outside, waiting to see who would emerge victorious. But more so on Albert’s mind, he wondered where the witch was.
And as though his thoughts had been screaming out to be heard, the front door of the home swung open, and though Albert and the Sandman were expecting one of the mythological beasts, instead stepped out a woman who couldn’t have been older than her mid thirties, but the strangest thing about her, she looked as though she had stepped right out of a black and white movie. Stepping through the door, the only two colors on her whole were grey and black.
Instead of walking, it appeared almost as though she was floating, but once clear of the doorway and the crumbling overhang that hung over the decrepit porch, the witch showed her true form, eight long spider legs extending out from under her black dress, the legs just as black as the dress upon her grey figure.
“Company. I’ve been expecting company,” the witch yelled, having to over the thunder claps from above and the battle still taking place inside her falling-apart home. The lightning flashes above made her appear ever more menacing, though it wasn’t difficult to be frightened by just her in general, the witch standing well over nine feet tall with her spider legs extended, the full body of a spider exposed, the abdomen and all. It was like something out of a horror movie.
Inside the home, the two beasts were leaving ruins of anything their tussle came into contact with. Valentine swung with his mighty fists, connecting with Mr. Q’s sides, but the Minotaur had taken a tremendous blow before they even entered the home, when the unicorn had driven his magical shield directly into the Minotaur. Now it was just a matter of waiting to see if the gangster beast would tire before pummeling the sweater vested unicorn into submission. Or worse: death.
The unicorn, realizing he was going to have to do something, working himself free of the Minotaur’s grip, and spinning quickly, turning to put his rear towards Valentine, all the while dodging more blows, Mr. Q, with the last of his strength, in a great kick, connected both back hooves with Valentine’s face, the monster stopping dead still, then, like a statue that had been pushed over, fell, smashing through the floorboards, the floor too weak to withstand that much weight coming down at once. Mr. Q, moving quickly to not follow the Minotaur down, was quite pleased with himself, though tired and in plenty of pain.
“Undignified beast, walking on two legs. NO RESPECT FOR YOURSELF.” Preparing to go outside, having seen the witch walk past him and the Minotaur earlier, paying no heed to the two battling beasts, Mr. Q pondered how Albert and the Sandman were fairing. But before stepping out, Mr. Q, looking down into the hole, seeing the defeated, still unconscious Minotaur, lying upon the stone basement floor, had one more thing to add. “AND GOOD DAY SIR!”
Back outside, the witch controlling the very lightning from above, laid down a mighty barrage of strikes, wherever the white hot bolts touched, flames erupted, the grass floor of the Field’s around the home quickly becoming a death trap to Albert, who was having to dip, dive and dodge the bolts. The Sandman, flying on his butterflies, had the witch’s attention, blasting her with orbs of violet energy from his cane, and though the bolts were being directed towards the Sandman, Albert almost felt as though he was the primary target, most of the bolts connecting just mere inches from the man, keeping him on the move.
“Why don’t you just die already!!” the Sandman yelled, blasting another energy orb at the witch, more irritated than anything that his magic was nothing compared to hers, the witch doing nothing more than wincing at every orb that connected with her body.
“Now, now,” the witch said, laughing, her voice a demonic screech. “This is a fun I have been looking forward too!” With both hands out, a giant bolt called forth from the cloud found its way to the Sandman’s butterfly cloud, the beautiful insects bursting into a quick ball of flame, disappearing, leaving the Sandman to fall to the ground many feet below.
Albert, using this as his opportune distraction, sprinted to Valentine’s discarded Tommy-gun. Picking the gun up, the weapon heavier than expected, Albert was forced to drop the sword, but the gun seemed a better weapon choice to him anyways.
Pulling the trigger, the Minotaur had made the task look simple, but the recoil rocked Albert’s body, forcing him to grip the gun with all his strength, his muscles quickly getting soar. But it was worth it, the bullets fired entering the witch’s spider abdomen, the witch screaming out in agony, quickly turning to see her attacker.
“I’ll rip your goddamn head from those shoulders and use it as a volleyball!” the witch sneered through gritted teeth. Making a dash towards Albert, her spider legs clicking as they moved almost too fast for the eye to see, Albert had to abandon the heavy gun and move, but not before picking up his sword, rolling just as the witch trampled over where the man had just been standing.
Running, thinking that he had to do something, Albert turned around, only to look up into the witch’s grey eyes, the spider-woman looming over him, having caught up to him with no effort, anger from the pain he had caused her showcased on her face. Lifting her arms high, summoning lighting to her clawed fingers, she wanted to deliver the killing blow onto the man herself, instead of sending a bolt from the cloud above.
And like the Minotaur, Albert had to wonder how or why the witch had come into existence, had to wonder why Maddie would imagine something so dark and evil. And though he would never know, the story behind the witch’s creation was a simple one.
*
Night of the living dead, by Romero, one of Maddie’s favorite films, even though she was only nine. Her mother would most definitely yell if she knew Maddie was watching, but that was only if her mother cared enough to walk into the room at all. Maddie couldn’t remember the last time her mother had given her a goodnight kiss, or even a goodnight. Most nights she would fall asleep with only the television to comfort her.
Rolling over, Maddie could remember a time before she had a television in her room, a time when she would sit and think about things, about her mommy, and how she missed her daddy. Then the Sandman came and told her stories. He made it better to fall asleep at night. No need to think of all those sad, bad, and miserable things.
When Maddie’s mommy got a new television, she allowed Maddie to have the old one in her room. It was only a matter of time before Maddie didn’t need the Sandman anymore, the yarns played out on the television whispering her to sleep. And that night, it was Romero’s yarn that was whispering to her.
With the volume down low, Maddie didn’t really focus on it, her back turned to the t.v. as she felt her eyelids getting heavy. Maddie had seen those nasty zombie’s trying to get into the white farmhouse over and over, knew what was coming, how it ended. She just liked having it on as she tried to go to sleep for the night.
Opening her eyes for what she thought was going to be the last time for the night, just to see the lights on the wall from the black and white film playing out on her television, an unfamiliar shadow crawled down the wall that caught Maddie’s eye, pulling her from her almost sleep to a more awake state of being.
Rolling over, Maddie had never seen such an icky, hairy, or just plain big spider in her life. Just crawling down the screen, the zombies walking beneath the spider’s legs didn’t scare Maddie what-so-ever, but that spider, it was a different story.
Screaming, she couldn’t help it. The spider was just too big and Maddie was afraid it was going to jump off that screen. Jump off onto her bed, and then who knew what it would do. Crawl up to her, with those long, nasty legs. Fangs dripping venom, all eight of its creepy eyes reflecting her frightened face.
Her mother, still in her night gown, who herself had been sound asleep when she was stirred awake by the blood curdling scream she had heard from her daughter’s room, Maddie’s mommy was not happy the least bit when all it had been was a spider. One little spider.
Scolding her daughter for overreacting, then for the movie on the television, Maddie’s mommy pulled the plug on the television, telling her daughter no more television at night, and then told her to grow up. “It’s only a damn spider Maddie. Grow up.”
Slamming the door behind her as she left, leaving Maddie in the dark room alone, little Maddie crying, upset, hurt that her mommy hadn’t come in to protect her from the nasty spider, instead telling her to just grow up, Maddie was hurt. But in the darkness, she could hear something. Thinking it the Sandman, the clacking sound she could hear from the dark corner of her room told her differently.
“It’s time to go to sleep baby,” the voice said from the darkness. But it confused Maddie. It sounded just like her mother, but she had just seen her mother walk out of the room. The slam of the door had only made that fact more real. Yet, Maddie could hear her whispering from the dark. But what was the clacking noise. The clacking of something moving maybe?
“Mommy?” Maddie asked, just for the sake of asking the question. Stepping into what little moonlight sneaked into the room, Maddie’s mother was most definitely in the room, but there was something off about her. The tint of her skin color, the blond in her hair gone, turned grey. But maybe it was just the moonlight?
“Hehehe. Of course baby, now. Go to sleep.” The last words to come from this different mommy’s mouth weren’t just words. They were growls. And they scared Maddie worse than the spider. Where was the Sandman at when she needed him? Why did the men she loved and needed disappear when she needed them the most?
*
Arm’s raised, lighting captured between her hands, the witch was ready to strike down the man below her, the man that had hurt her. Smiling, the thrill of the kill was the most sensational feeling that had ever made its way through her body.
Holding the sword up, knowing it was probably futile, Albert thinking the witch’s magic stronger and deadlier than the Sandman’s sword. Falling backwards to the ground as his eyes were glued to the witch’s hands, the light trapped between them mesmerizing, like lightning caught in a glass ball.
Just seconds before the blow found its recipient, just before Albert was to be shocked to death with the voltage familiar inside lightning, Mr. Q was suddenly standing above Albert, the unicorn rearing high on its hind haunches, steed looking more mighty and grandiose than ever before. Colliding with the falling orb held in her hands, the witches lightning orb was stopped by Mr. Q’s magic shield, the brilliance emanating from the two lights, the intense white light mixing with the soft blue light, it was beautiful to partake.
And then a wicked explosion, a blinding explosion, Albert’s vision left blurry afterwards. When he could finally see again, the witch was gone, and Mr. Q was on the ground, his horn broken, eyes closed, making Albert fear the worse.
Crawling to the steed, petting his mane, the man let out a sigh of relief when he realized that Mr. Q was breathing, but unconscious. Looking to the Sandman, the violet suited man on his knees, recovering from his fall, Albert was on his own, though he was questioning his worth.
“What are you waiting for you bloke?” Mr. Q asked, eyes still closed, the words a struggle to get out. The pain shooting through his head from his broken horn was unbearable, but he somehow found the energy to get the words out.
“I don’t think I can do it. I’m not magic like you or him,” Albert said. He was scared, and starting to feel like he had failed Maddie again. He had just fallen over, watching the witch prepare to kill him. I did nothing to protect myself. How could I protect Maddie?
“You don’t have to be magic Albert. Just go. You have love on your side.” Barely opening his eye, Mr. Q looked upon Albert for one brief moment, his words having no use to persuade the man to try. Try and find the treasure.
“What does love have against something like that?” he asked concerning the witch. Dropping the sword, Albert was losing all hope quickly. The Sandman, sick of the man’s depressed whining, planted a foot in the man’s shoulder, kicking him over. “Hey!” Albert asked, wondering why the hell he had just gotten kicked by someone whom he had thought was his acquaintance.
Reaching down before Albert could move, the Sandman grabbed and pulled out the Polaroid of Maddie and Albert, holding it in front of the man. “This is what love can do you idiot!” the Sandman said angrily. “Love can do the impossible, create things out of nothing, travel worlds. Save lives. Create life you fool. She is waiting for you. Maddie is waiting for you!” Poking Albert in the chest with his cane as he said “you”, the Sandman got through a little bit better than the unicorn had, which might have angered Mr. Q if the steed had fallen back in exhausted sleep.
Inspiration back, Albert got to his feet, picked up his sword, turned his cap backwards, and taking a deep breath, found a way to convince himself to finish what he had started. What he had dragged two other Majestic’s into. He had to finish it for all of them.
Turning, going to enter the house, finish the witch off once and for all and claim the treasure, but before he took his first step to head towards the house, he turned back to the Sandman, snatching the Polaroid from smiling Sandman’s hand.
“That’s mine,” Albert said, returning the smile, putting the picture back into his pocket after looking at it for a moment. Giving a farewell nod, he was off to kill the witch and claim his treasure.
“Good luck kid,” the Sandman whispered, resting both hands on the cane, turning his attention to the still sleeping unicorn. “And I’ll say this while you’re asleep, good job Q. But lose the sweater vest. It’s ugly.” Making his way off towards Birch, snapping his fingers, his butterflies gone, the Sandman would need some entertainment while he walked.
Coming up from hiding in the non-burned patches in the Field’s grass, the Violins Magnifico went to the Sandman to follow him, playing a random symphonic masterpiece by Tchaikovsky, the Sandman whistling right along with the song as he walked off. Opening one eye, having heard everything, Mr. Q smiled. “Well, your suit is tacky,” the unicorn said before allowing himself to fall back to sleep.
Making his way into the destroyed home, one hand upon the sword, the other out in front, forefinger and pinky extended out like “devil horns”, to anyone who didn’t know, Albert looked like he could handle his own with a sword, but the truth was, he had no idea what the hell he was doing trying to fight a nine foot tall spider woman with magic powers with an oversize, shiny “sandwich tooth pick”.
The battle that had occurred between Mr. Q and Valentine was all too evident, the furniture destroyed, holes all throughout the house, the most obvious being the one in the floor. Looking down in, Valentine was still unconscious on the basement floor, Albert breathing a sigh of relief upon the sight. Only the spider bitch to deal with.
Creeping through the house as slowly as he could, it was almost no use, the floor boards creaking beneath his feet, the rusty old nails squeaking loudly, every squeak making him wince, making Albert think that the witch was just waiting to pounce and pin him down with one of her long, black spider legs.
“God I hate spiders,” he said to himself, vowing to kill every eight legged little bastard from there on out, if the queen of spiders didn’t get him first that is. Seeing nothing on the first floor that could either be a witch or a treasure, though he had no clue what the treasure even looked like, Albert came across the spot where the steps had been at one point, leading to the top floor, but the stairs themselves were gone, having collapsed into the basement, leaving a cobweb infested space where they had once been.
Standing there over the collapsed staircase, Albert could see the basement door directly across from him, and below the door, the stairs leading down into the basement had also collapsed, the wood from both cases laying crumbled, broken on the stone floor roughly seven feet down.
Trying to figure out which was his best route to go to find the treasure, Albert thought he could hear something, though faint at first, he passed it off as just the sounds of the house, then thought it could have been the witch sneaking up on him. Looking all around, trying to stay as silent as he could, though he was in the open, an easy target, he was able to listen in more carefully, the sound being that of music playing below him.
Kneeling down, it was hard at first to hear the music, but it was just loud enough to faintly pick up. And along with the music, he could hear singing. The witch is singing, he thought, her chilling voice sending a chill up his spine. Realizing he had no better choice but to go down, Albert looked below, not liking the idea of jumping down onto the broken wood from the stairs, so instead, he returned to the hole made from the collapsed Valentine.
Hopping down in, after sitting on the edge of the collapsed floor, feeling the weakened floor boards giving way, not allowing Albert much time to consider his outrageous idea, the man just dropped down onto the minotaur, more gracious than anything his fall didn’t wake the beast. Rolling off Valentine as quickly as possible, making sure to not poke the monster with his sword, Albert breathed a deep sigh of relief, glad his stupid idea had actually worked.
Looking around, the basement was built like a stone labyrinth, but the way to go was simple, Albert just following the witch’s singing. Sneaking, moving on his tip toes, staying as quiet as possible, the witch’s haunting singing to the music was chilling, unnaturally beautiful, but still chilling.
Here’s a lullaby to close your eyes….
Albert could see a faint light ahead of him in the stone hallway he was sneaking down.
It was always you that I despised….
Leaning against the wall, Albert listening to the witch’s singing from the room just around the corner, he was almost hypnotized, closing his eyes to listen, a moment to allow the witch to continue. Continue before they faced off for one last time, with only one walking away.
I don’t care enough for you to cry….
“Here’s a lullaby to close your eyes,” the witch finished singing, the music dying to silence, the eerily sound of the echo being the only sounds left in the stone labyrinth, till even those were gone in silence. “You think you are good enough for my Madeline?” The witch knew that the man was around the corner, she could sense him, his fear of her. His love for Maddie. She knew he was going to face her, the fool, she thought.
“To be honest,” Albert said, stepping out from off the wall around the corner, looking into the room, the witch’s back to him, the faint light being that given off by two lit candles. The only thing in the room was a wooden table, and besides the candles, Albert couldn’t see what else was on it, the witch standing overtop the mysterious cause for the music. “I know I am not good enough for Maddie. She’s a special girl. But I will try my damndest to be the best man for her that I can be.”
Pointing the tip of the sword to the witch, Albert waited for her to turn and face him, wondering why she was stalling.
“You can try all you want. All you want, but it won’t ever be good enough.” Turning around, the witch’s hands were scorched, terribly damaged when the lightning ball she had attempted to kill Albert with exploded from Mr. Q’s interference. Looking Albert in the face, a single tear rolled down her grey cheek.
“Who are you to try and stop me? We are all supposed to do what is best for Maddie. Be there for HER!” Angry, this witch was delaying what Albert had to do, and that was to just get to Maddie.
“I do care for her! More than any of the rest of you! Madeline would never admit it, and though she hated her mother, despised her, my little girl hated that bastard of a father more!! The one who walked out on her, leaving her with that horrible woman who would dare call herself MOTHER!” Albert’s guard lessened from the witch’s monologue, he was nearly caught off guard by a lightning quick strike from one of the witch spider legs, Albert dropping low, rolling backwards through the door way, the leg slammed into the stone wall across from her with such force, pieces exploded away, cracks running across the wall’s surface.
Seeing no alternative other than to attack, Albert struck, swinging down with the sword, cutting clean through the leg, about three feet of the appendage falling to the floor, still wiggling on its own, the witch screaming in agony as he redrew her damaged leg back.
Jumping through the doorway, swinging blindly with a clenched fist, missing, the witch was crying more openly, the tears being those of fury. Albert, back on his feet, knew he had the upper hand, the witch’s hands damaged and him making a heavy blow severing one of her legs.
“Just give up,” he said, more up to talking her down than trying to fight the angry spider woman. “Allow me to go. I promise, I won’t walk out on Maddie. I never would do that.”
“LIAR! YOU ARE ALL LIARS!” Throwing more blind punches, just swinging madly, the witch refused to strike with her legs, afraid of what the man was capable of, surprising her with that first attack. Jumping at Albert, with one last lunge, the witch felt the worst feeling in her gut, Albert falling back, sword up, the witch falling onto the silver blade.
Pushing her to the side, rolling away, Albert almost felt pity for the witch, looking upon her tears, the sword in her belly, black blood just barely dripping out, a thin line running down the blade.
“I’m sorry,” Albert said, his apology not needed, but sincere. “I didn’t want it to come to this. I just want to get to Maddie.” Seeing the witch’s finger motioning for him to bend down, he wanted to at least oblige her with one last dying wish. Knelt down, he didn’t expect her to grip his throat in a death grip, pulling her face towards his, the clacking of her legs attempting to move deafening as the sound echoed in the hall.
“I’ll rip your still beating imaginary heart from your worthless chest!” Sneering, the witch tried to get to her feet, but the pain in her gut made it impossible, and the grip of death on her was just as strong on her as her grip on Albert’s throat.
Reacting instinctively, Albert grabbed the sword’s handle, pulled it from her belly, and swinging it in an ark, sliced through the witch’s arm, cutting off another of her appendages, and after getting some space between him and her, he had to put up a bit of a struggle to get the amputated arm off, throwing it to the floor.
“BITCH! I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY SOMETHING TO REDEEM YOURSELF BEFORE YOU DIED!! I MEAN SERIOUSLY, what the hell!” Kicking her arm towards the witch, Albert could hear her whispering, but didn’t care, he had defeated her. Turning his back to her, he walked back to the room, and looking into it, on the table was a music box, the box white and pink.
“It was always you that I despised,” the witch whispered under her dying breath, knowing that she had failed in her own self-righteous mission, trying to keep Madeline safe from any more men that might leave her, breaking her heart.
Staring at the music box, Albert knew it was the treasure that he had gone into the house for. Looking it over, then looking over himself, he was covered in the witch’s blood, his clothing torn up from the battles, and he was still clutching the sword in a mighty grip. Releasing the blade, he let it fall to the floor with a clang, and smiling, he had done it, placing both hands onto the lid of the music box.
Realizing he was holding his breath, Albert smiled, letting out a breath while he lifted the lid, the music beginning to play as the lid was opened fully, a little plastic ballerina spinning on one toe to the music. The box itself was empty, but a tiny mirror was inset on the inside of the lid. Looking at the mirror, Albert noticed he had no reflection, and thinking this strange he reached forward, touching the mirror, feeling like he had just got zapped with millions and millions of volts of electricity, his eye’s shutting closed quick, his breath stolen from his lungs, the music so loud it felt like it was in his head.
The witch saw a flash of light erupt from the room, knowing what had happened. The Majestic man had touched the mirror, doing what she had been trying to prevent since her arrival in the fields. The man was gone, having used the magic trapped in the box to go back to the real world, to go back to Maddie.
The music still playing as the light disappeared, the witch smiled, a part of her actually glad she had failed. Maybe the man was being honest, maybe he could make Madeline happy, maybe he wouldn’t break her heart. Crawling across the floor, leaving a trail of her own blood as she made it into the room, she looked up at the table, the lid open, music coming from the music box as the little ballerina spun.
Pulling herself up to a kneeling position, the witch looked upon the box knowing the truth behind it, being the only one who did. The box was the only real thing ever sent to the Field’s by Madeline. A box that she had found in her mother’s closet, a gift that her mother had claimed was from her “bastard husband and Maddie’s worthless father.” That day, that was the only day that Maddie hated her father for abandoning her, so she damned the box to the Field’s.
Closing the lid, the witch knew her time was very short, her last breath of life in her lungs as she fell back to the floor. Eyes closed, she let out that last breath with a final verse, allowing death to take her.
“Here’s a lullaby to close your eyes…”
*
Tapping her pencil, Maddie just didn’t know what to write. She had major writer’s block, and pissed off, she tossed her pencil, the writing utensil landing several feet away, catching the attention of a man who was enjoying a muffin. Picking the pencil up, he walked it over with a smile, and returned it to the very agitated woman, who found a way to return a smile.
“Thank you,” Maddie said, just catching a glimpse of the ring on the man’s left ring finger, telling her he was already another woman’s man. Damn, he’s cute too.
“No problem miss,” the man said, returning to his muffin without another thought. Maddie watching him walk back to his table and sit down, she let out a lonely sigh. She had been returning to the same corner café, ordering the same peach tea each day, a week passing by since her last phone conversation with Ruth. Maddie just felt like she needed to be there, but couldn’t explain why. It wasn’t helping her with her writing, at all. It just seeming to be a futile and pointless attempt to let something unexplainable happen.
Calling over the waitress to get her check, the girl whom Maddie thought looked too young to be out of high school, she thought about asking the girl’s age for a brief second, but decided not to, the idea rude. Thanking the girl, another item was with the receipt, which both things puzzled Maddie.
“Your tea was taken care of by a gentleman over there,” the waitress said, pointing behind Maddie. As Maddie turned, there was no one there. But the tea being paid for wasn’t what puzzled her. The Polaroid sitting underneath the receipt did. The Polaroid that she had thought she only imagined. Maddie always knew she had a very overactive imagination, and many imaginary friends growing up, but how is this real? she thought as she held the picture.
Turning back around, still no one at the table, Maddie didn’t understand. Confused, the whole matter surreal, upon looking back at her own table holding her notebook and pencil, Maddie was surprised to see the man from the Polaroid sitting across from her, smiling.
“Well hello there,” the man said, a smile on his face. Wearing a black oxford, grey dress vest and black cap, he mixed dress well with the casual, his black rimmed glasses only drawing Maddie to look deeper into his sky blue eyes.
“Are you real?” Maddie asked, having never seen the man before except for passing him on the street and having a strange Polaroid of the two together. Looking at him, head tilted to the side while she tried to unravel the mystery of what was happening, she couldn’t help but smile, the man’s smile contagious.
“I feel real, so you tell me if you think I feel real.” Getting to his feet, walking around the metal table sitting outside the café, the same table that Maddie had sat at for a week waiting for something to happen, she got that something she had been waiting for.
Picked up by the man, his hands finding their way into hers, she was on her feet, and before she could stop him, he was pulling her in for the most passionate, electrified kiss she had ever had the pleasure of being a part of. Feeling as though small shocks were traveling from his lips into hers, then through the rest of her body, Maddie lost her breath and could feel her heart just pounding in her chest.
“My god,” she said, once he pulled away, both of them keeping their eyes closed for a few more minutes, “that was too real. Surreal.” Smiling bigger than before, Maddie opened her eyes and had a loss of words, not sure what to say beyond “surreal”.
“You don’t know what I had to go through just to get that kiss,” the man said, leaning in and kissing Maddie on the cheek before returning to his seat across from her, Maddie taking a moment longer to regain her composure, then also taking her seat.
“I don’t. But first, what’s your name?” She had to at least know the name of her surreal stranger.
“Someone decided I looked like an Albert. So, name is Albert, and this pleasure is all mine Maddie,” reaching a hand across to shake hers, Maddie couldn’t help but giggle as she returned the gesture, lightly shaking his hand.
“You don’t look like an Albert what-so-ever,” and in her opinion he REALLY didn’t look at all like an Albert. “You look more like, an oh, I don’t know, a Brad maybe.” This made Albert laugh.
“It’s just funny you say that, but I have to tell you, I grew to like Albert.”
“Then Albert it is. But who gave you your name, Albert?” Maddie was curious. Everything else about this man was strange, so the origin of his name had to be just as interesting.
“You may remember him. He’s about thirty feet tall, has a child like demeanor.” Maddie at first was confused. How the hell can someone be thirty feet tall? And then like what Albert was saying was a spark that had ignited a fire in her mind, everything came flooding back to her. Birch, Mr. Q, or Kwu for those who like the letters K-W-U, and the Sandman. Valentine, and the witch. The music box. Her Majestic’s.
“All of you. You were all so real to me. You were all there for me.” Shedding a single tear, Maddie questioned herself, wondering how she could forget, pushing all her memories to the back of her brain, making her friends, the Majestic’s nothing more than figments of her childhood imagination, or so she had convinced herself.
“Hey now,” Albert said, reaching across wiping the tear away. “No need for tears. They are still there for you. Without them, I would have never of made it here doll.” Maddie, looking from Albert to her notebook, had to ask the only question that was on her mind.
“You defeated the witch to become real again?” It seemed crazy, but she knew it was all real. It was unexplainable, but she knew it was all real.
“You got it. Said I wasn’t good enough for you.” Albert took Maddie’s hand in his, and with his free hand pulled her notebook over, opening it up to the last page, reading the last few lines she had written, her story still needing an ending.
“And do you think you are?” Maddie knew that Albert was something she had imagined, and she knew that she had imagined her perfect man when she had brought him into reality for that brief moment on the street. But even Maddie didn’t know what it took for her perfect man to be well, perfect.
“To be honest, I don’t. But, I’ll try my damndest to make you smile every day. To wipe away every tear like I just did, and to make sure your story ends with,” and at the same time, both Albert and Maddie finished his sentence, “happily ever after.”
Grabbing her pencil, he began writing in her notebook, making her smile, and a look crossing her face, without words saying just what is it are you writing Albert? When he finished, he closed the notebook with the pencil in it, and pushed it towards Maddie, a playful grin on his lips, with a look of satisfaction in his eyes.
“And just how did you end my story?” Maddie asked, going to open the notebook, her curiosity overwhelming, but Albert keeping his hand on top of the notebook, waiting to say what he had to say before letting her continue.
“When you read this, imagine it in your head doll. Do that for me alright?” Albert asked, his little plan coming together, but Maddie still not sure what to expect from what he had just jotted down in her composition book.
“Alright,” she said, a bit of puzzlement in her tone. Finally allowed to open it, she cleared her mind, and let Albert’s words take her away.
*
The Majestic’s knew that Albert had made it back to Maddie. They had felt the kiss between the two all the way across the planes, passing from reality into the Field’s, world of imagination built by their beloved Maddie.
But Albert felt as though he owed everyone a debt of gratitude, his success being nothing without admitting it was all due to them, everyone of the individuals left back in the Field’s to only wish they could see their Maddie one last time.
And as she read the words written in her own notebook, the words written by a man that she herself had created, she smiled, feeling a tingle in her whole that she hadn’t felt since she was a child. With her mind’s eye, she was in the Field’s with her Majestic’s, with her friends.
Birch, casting a cooling shadow over the sitting Sandman, the violet suited man spinning tales much like he used to when a restless Maddie needed to fall asleep.
In a house that had been built to be haunted was changed to a beautiful home, a home that Maddie had never saw as her own, but in the Field’s it looked more welcoming. Inside, the sweater vested unicorn had found that he had a real talent to sing, and taking his teaching methods taught the Violins Magnifico a new tune or two.
And Valentine, the mobster minotaur. Thinking of how silly his creation had been, Maddie made the creature much more pleasant to deal with, the minotaur taking up singing as well, his deep baritone voice complimenting the unicorn’s perfectly.
And finally the witch. Albert knew reading just the mention of the spider legged woman would spur unhappy memories in Maddie, Albert still unsure of the witch’s creation, but better off not knowing. But, just like the rest, the woman was a Majestic like the rest of them, and even she needed happiness.
So, with Albert’s final written words, knowing that Maddie reading it, Albert wished for the witch to take the name Mother, and to have normal legs, long beautiful legs, and for her black and white color to be replaced with the color of a woman in her prime. And Mother, the woman who had been hell bent on protecting Maddie, had a new job. Look after the Majestic’s, loving them the way only a mother could…
*
“Will all that really happen?” Maddie said, closing the notebook, wishing she really could see all her friends again.
“If you want it too doll.” Albert, getting to his feet for a final time, pulled Maddie to hers. “Come on, I’ll make you dinner.”
“Where are you going to make me dinner?” Maddie asked, getting up.
“Turns out you not only imagined me, but also gave me an apartment not far from here. And a bank account. With a whole seven hundred dollars in it.”
“A whole seven hundred dollars in it huh? And just what name did I imagine for you, since you have this apartment and bank account?” He had to have a name to have either of them, she thought.
“Brad Pitt as funny as that is,” Albert laughed, Maddie as well.
“Welp, Brad, what’s for dinner?” Maddie, taking his hand, left the notebook on the table, not too concerned with how her story would end, content on just letting it play out for her to be surprised.
“Albert,” Albert said, “I prefer Albert doll.” Pulling her in, he snagged one last kiss before the two began to walk to his apartment.
“My apologies Albert. Off we are then?” For the first time, Maddie felt like she had found somebody real who was actually going to be there for her, even if she had imagined him.
“Off we are Madeline. Off we are.” And for the first time, Albert felt a feeling of success, having finally made it to the woman he was meant to love. And though neither of them would ever know it, the Field’s filled with wild roses, the velvet of the flowers springing up like an ocean, telling the Majestic’s left behind that Maddie was happy. The flowing red telling all of them that Maddie had finally found love.
“I knew you would do it Albert,” Birch would whisper.
“Way to go kid,” would slip out the Sandman’s black lips.
“Good job indeed,” Mr. Q would let out through a smile.
And without saying a word, just letting a single tear fall to the Field’s velvet floor, Mother knew that for the first time in her existence, she knew what the perfect failure felt like, having failed to stop the man, but knowing that she was all the more happy she had.
*
Walking up to the notebook, opening it and grabbing the pencil, the boy didn’t even read what was written. He didn’t have to. He knew just what to write without even having to read what was in that notebook. Jotting down the words, he closed the notebook, slid the pencil behind his ear, claiming it as his own, and skipped off down the street, leaving the notebook to soak in the coming late afternoon rain.
If anyone were to walk up before the rain ruined the book, they would find an unfinished story written by a best-selling author, a small narrative written by an imaginary man who had fought to become real, and a final sentence written by that boy. The final sentence being…
They all live Happily ever after…
The Drowned [part II]
I open my eyes to find two unfamiliar, young, male faces hovering above me. Startled, I sit up and try to slide myself back away from the boys, but I’m stuck, sinking into the middle of the old bed I’m on top of. The room is dimly lit, but I can see they both have friendly smiles on their faces, yet they remain silent. Unsure of what to do, I half smile back. I look down at myself and notice that I’m wearing a dark blue robe. I can’t remember what I had been wearing, but I know it wasn’t this. The boy to my left stands up and starts to walk towards the doorway. My eyes follow him and I notice now how the walls of the room are solid rock, and the air is damp. We must be in some sort of cave, I think to myself. How did I get here? What was I doing before I woke up? I try to remember anything, but my mind seems blank.
“Is she awake?” a voice calls out from the adjacent room. A few seconds later, a third boy peaks his head around the corner. He waltzes through the threshold, carrying a teacup and saucer. Gliding carefully across the rocky floor, he hands me the cup and says, “drink up darling, it will help your blood shift.” As soon as he says this, I realize my chest feels heavy, as if I’m not receiving enough oxygen. I am hesitant to drink the hot beverage, but its sweet aroma floats up to my nose, and I cannot resist. I take a few sips of the tea, and let the warm fluid coat my throat.
“Where am I?” I ask.
“Safe. You know, you sank right to the bottom. Luckily Chase was hunting in the area, saw you struggling, and brought you home.” He glances over to the boy on my right, “This is Chase. I’m Angelo, and over there is Peter.”
“I’m Valyn.”
“We know. We heard them calling for you,” Angelo says.
“Calling for me?” and then I remembered my date with Alex. “I need to get back to the cliffs, Alex is probably worried sick. I was just – .”
“It’s too late,” Angelo interrupts, “Alex went home. We insist you stay here for the night. Finish your tea, darling.”
I decide not to argue and finish the last few sips of the tea. The weight in my chest seems to have disappeared, and I can breathe easily now. I hand the empty teacup back to Angelo. Smiling, he gets up and motions the other boys to do the same.
“We will let you get some sleep. If you need anything, just call out. Otherwise, I will have breakfast ready for you in the morning. Would you like me to leave a light on for you? It gets awfully dark in here.”
“Yes, please.”
It’s just then when I realize that the only light sources in the room have been coming from candles or torches along the wall. Leaving a candle burning for me by my bed, the boys blow the rest of the flames out, and leave my room. I hear them rustling around in the other rooms, but it’s my thoughts that are distracting me from going to sleep. I still don’t know how or why I’m here. I don’t even know where “here” is. It’s nice though, safe like Angelo said. I don’t feel threatened by the boys at all. Angelo seems like such a sweetheart, always smiling. Suddenly, Alex appears in my mind. I have to get back into town tomorrow, I’m sure one of the boys will show me the way. I dream about Alex that night, holding and kissing me in front of the sunset.
The next morning I awake, this time to the smell of bacon and eggs. I tie my robe up and follow the smell out to a bright, cozy kitchen. Angelo is in front of the stove, humming a strange tune. I look around for Chase and Peter, but don’t see them.
“Good morning Angelo,” I say, “I’d offer to help you, but I’m a terrible cook.”
Smiling, he responds, “Oh don’t worry, the femmes do all the cooking around here. You may set the table if you’d like. Flatware is in the drawer over there, and plates are in the cupboard above the sink. Chase and Peter are out on an errand so it will be just the two of us this morning.”
I’m not sure what he meant by “femmes,” so I mull it over while I set the table for us. The dining area is quite charming. A painting of a lighthouse hangs on the wall, and the rest of the kitchen is decorated with a beach theme. Sea shells and beach glass are displayed in jars, and roped fishing nets hang in the corners. The walls of these rooms are solid rock too, and there are still no windows letting light in, only torches illuminate the place. You can’t even tell it is morning, I think to myself. Actually, I don’t know if it even is morning. Angelo brings the breakfast over to the table and begins serving us.
“It smells delicious,” I tell him before I take my first bite. The bacon has the perfect texture and the eggs are fluffy and full of flavor. I find myself making complimentary noises as I enjoy the home cooked meal.
“I’m glad you can appreciate my cooking, darling.” Angelo says as he pours what smells to be the same type of tea from yesterday into my cup.
“I could eat like this every morning, Angelo.”
“Well, that’s good to hear. You know, since you’re a part of us now, you can’t just leave, anyway. I know you will fit in perfectly with our group. Chase and Peter love you already, especially Chase. He was rather devastated to find out you are a boi, but you do seem to straddle the gender line, you are a two-spirit afterall. Maybe there could still be something there?”
“Boy?” I ask, “but wait, I can’t stay, I need to get back into town today. People are probably looking for me, well, Alex at least.”
“Your blood has already shifted, you can’t go back to the surface now. You drank the tea, you depend on the oxygen in it or from the water outside now.”
“I don’t understand,” I stammer.
“You were drowning. Chase found you, and quickly brought you back here. Your blood has shifted in order to adapt to the oxygen levels of our environment, so you can’t leave now.”
“Am I dead?”
“No, not quite. We’re just in a different realm down here. The only connection we have to the world we once were from is through encounters in the lake. You can now breathe, walk, communicate, do anything you want underwater, but going to the surface is dangerous. Your lungs could collapse if you stay exposed too long… Are you understanding this?”
I nod my head, “I’m beginning to, it’s just a lot to sink in.”
“Let’s clean up, then I’ll show you around.”
We wash our dishes, put them away, then head down the hallway I came from this morning. I notice there are several more rooms that channel off from it. They appear to be empty, just waiting for others to fill them up, make them home.
“This is where Peter and I sleep.” Angelo lights up a large bedroom, full of character, much like their kitchen.
“So you’re gay?” I ask.
“Well, I guess you could call us that. Peter and I are indeed a couple. We are both physically males, but I am a two-spirit so as for gender, I like to consider myself a femme, as it reflects more my personality than what is physically on the outside. It doesn’t mean I want to be a woman, it just means I’m a feminine male who happens to be with a masculine male. Together we create the perfect balance of human harmony, and that is all that matters to us.”
“So now I understand why you called me a boy,” I say. “And you think I am a two-spirit as well?”
“Yes, you are most definitely a woman on the outside, but from what I can judge of your personality, you seem to lean more towards the masculine side; we would call you a boi since you still have femme qualities, but more dominantly are your masculine idiosyncrasies. Please don’t take offense, it’s only an observation.”
“No, I agree with you. I have always been more of a tomboy. So is that what a two-spirit is? Someone who is physically a male or female, but is mentally the opposite gender?”
“It is a complex concept, but that is the basic black and white version. With that being said, our roles down here are pretty traditional in that sense. The femmes cook, the bois hunt. If you’re feeling up to it tonight, you can go with Chase and Peter.”
“Should I talk to Chase first? I wouldn’t want to make it awkward.”
“No, he knows already. It’s fine, really. He just wants someone to balance him too… Did you have someone who balanced you?”
“There might have been someone, but it doesn’t really matter now.”
What are friends for?
Joe was not jaded, and he did not look at Dorothy with eyes of disdain, hatred or even jealousy that can only come from deep love that had been crossed. The look in Joe’s eyes was blank; there was no feeling at all behind his eyes and he felt nothing. He could stand looking at Dorothy and not flinch. It was his hands that had gone through the motions of a loving touch just minutes prior. There had been laughter in the room at that time. Dorothy was playing the game, in front of their party guests.
Dorothy could have bathed in the material aspect of her world. By all rights, if money could buy happiness, Dorothy should have been excited about every sunrise. Dorothy had the finest fashions, a grand house, a personal pool, and no debt. None of these material things could change her fate. Dorothy couldn’t tell anyone of her fate. Truthfully, she didn’t truly believe it herself. Even if she could bring herself to speak with someone, she had no reason to believe anyone would care. People had seen the cast on her arm after “the accident”. There wasn’t a living person that would do more than glance at her, and give her a shallow, “I am sure you will be alright” type of answer. The world Dorothy was in, did not allow her to speak about disgraceful acts.
Dorothy had always been supported by Suzy. Suzy used to talk to her for hours about her dreams, aspirations and what the future held for them. At one time, Suzy had sworn an undying oath of friendship to Dorothy. The truth though, Suzy was not Dorothy’s real friend. Suzy was more of the person that was around. This is not a real friendship, and that fact would show true.
Anger had built up in Suzy. Suzy’s first act of jealousy happened after the violent impact of the car. Dorothy was unconscious after a car “accident”. Suzy stomped on Dorothy’s shoulder dislocating it out of the socket.
The truth about the matter now, Dorothy was emotionally numb. She had no fear of death any more. Dorothy’s eyes were looking directly at Joe and Suzy when they had their first kiss. Just a week prior, Suzy had attended Joe and Dorothy’s wedding. This was the first time Suzy had let herself feel anything for Joe, but it would not be the last.
The first kiss had filled Suzy with a passion she had never before experienced. Her friendship with Dorothy was really jealousy. Suzy wanted to be the one getting married, wanted the clothes, wanted the beautiful life with Joe. Suzy would have Joe to herself.
It was satisfying, as Suzy felt Dorothy’s neck snap between her fingers.
Just then, from down the hall “Suzy, dinner is ready, and don’t forget to wash your hands.” Her mom called out as part of their evening routine. Suzy would have a long tedious night at the dinner table. Mom had fixed broccoli.
As Suzy entered the dining room, she secretly wished she could put this adult world behind her. She was anxious to get back to her Joe. Dorothy’s head was in her right pocket, and she felt relaxed as she could feel its outline through her shorts. At least Joe will be there waiting when I get back. He had better comply with her commands or his head would fit nicely in her left pocket.
25 THINGS TO DO WHILE YOUR LIFE CRUMBLES AND YOU’RE OUT OF SMOKES.
Please add your own personal stuggles to this story!
1. Carry around a plastic grocery bag to pick up pieces of your once solid self-esteem.
- Note: make sure its leak-proof, to hold tear saturated tissues of your broken dreams. Ensure you have a “pooper-scooper” for heavily weighted bull-shit comments like ‘Keep your chin up…everything happens for a reason, it’ll get better and the like.
2. Count how many “rare side effects” you have from the latest anti-depressants. This includes vivid nightmares, bizarre behavior, night sweats, convulsions and the occasional brain jolts. That mysterious patch of unruly white chin hair can be filed under perimenopausal.
3. Count how many times your daily mental blog ends or begins with, “Seriously…Really….WTF?”
4. Count how many pants you’ve twisted on before you settle on the As Seen On TV Pajama Jeans. Don’t forget the ever so trendy lacy Cami paired with the peep-toed Payless pumps…Hail to BOGO—Buy One Get One. Yay, I’m in!
5. Convince yourself that last week’s set-in coffee stain on the ever so trendy Cami can be played off as today’s morning misadventure.
6. Finally accept that you don’t have enough money to repair your clothes dryer and crispy dripped dried drawers is the green way to go!
Yes, I’m reducing global warming. Get in where you fit in!
7. Count how many 800 numbers are in your Missed Call log. Bill collectors? Yep, Google confirms it is so.
8. Count how many times it took for you to convince yourself that Lee Press-On nails look just as good as the salon French Tips. Let’s check the score board: Ghetto-fabulous 1, Koreans , none!
9. Decide that you can no longer afford Lipitor (combined with diet and exercise) and opt for the ever-popular Cheerios plan. Also qualifies as a Mid-morning snack.
10. Count how many times you’ve Googled ‘Food Expiration dates’ and is it safe to re-freeze meat. Have those eggs really broke bad?
11. Count how many times your family asked, ‘What’s for dinner?’ and you’ve replied, ‘Number 7, 14, egg roles and ham fried rice…and don’t forget the coupon this time!’
12. Continue to set your alarm clock for an hour you’ve never seen.
13. Continue to hit the snooze button, take a truck-stop hoe bath, turn underwear inside out (don’t judge), de-clump yesterday’s mascara from your lashes, swig a mouthful of Listerine, spit it out, miss the sink, hit your forearm, stub your toe, again, search for your keys and stumble out into the light of day.
14. Continue to be amazed how time flies when you don’t get the fuck up on time!
15. Keep hoping for a red light, so you can squeeze in a drop or two of Visine, plug in your cell phone or clip in the safety belt.
16. Continue to play the ever so loser game of, ‘Guess how many miles are truly within the Low Fuel Zone’. Is it 10, 7, 3 or fumes?
17. Decide by an opinion of one, that the grinding sound you hear is NOT your breaks and turn up the radio. Sing along for added reassurance.
18. Count how many times you’ve parked in the Handicap parking space at the job because you’re late again. Everyone does it…right”? I’ll move it on my break!!
19. Count how many times you’ve almost made it past your skinny-ass cube mate, before she goes into a diatribe of her fabulous weekend, replete with the gold earrings her BFF, BF, SO, side-piece or guilty husband bought her.
- Note: Yes, you really did roll your eyes…it was not in your head.
20. At the end of your fucked up day walk into your humble abode and asked, “ WTF is that smell?”
21. Cut open any one of the stacked-up empty wine boxes in the corner and squeeze out a cup-full. No, I don’t have a problem…I’m just frugal!
22. Continue to figure and reconfigure / new math, on how much time you have on the job for FMLA. Can a bitch get some time off and still keep your job?!
23. Count how many times you’ve decided your relationship is worth saving…and re-file it under “For the Kids sake or The Bad Economy or The Crumbling Work-force or He/She has a better Health Care Plan, so I better stick around and/or the Housing Market. Finally decide to place it in the oft forgotten file labeled “Cuz I no longer give a shit about______(fill in the blank)”. Note: Don’t forget to password protect this one; less you are ready to have a “…need to talk to you” conversation. Remember last time??
24. Decide, with the determination of one who is truly aware, that this day I stop picking up pieces of my broken life and reach up and out and rebuild…not from fragments but from shiny new gifts of wisdom.
25. Decide today is the Day I reach forward into the Universe and pull in only that which matters and discard the rest…. savoring the best and re-write my Morning Story.
New Moon.
The Recruiter
“You sit there, and just smile at me. You drink your orange juice, no pulp. You had to have no pulp. You sit there, drink your no pulp orange juice, pulling that unlit cigarette from your lips, putting it back, pulling it out to sip your juice, putting it back. But you won’t light it. Not once, you won’t light it. Just sit there, smiling, drinking, and…. Well, it doesn’t matter what I say now does it?”
He laughs at his companion’s agitation. It is amusing after all, someone getting so bent out of shape over things so little, because all he can see is a bigger picture, but even so, it’s blurred. Like a massive painting. From far away, he can make out a galloping horse racing through a sunlit meadow, but upon closer inspection, your eyes were fooled from far away. Upon closer inspection, it’s just a blur of colors, nothing spectacular, no galloping horse, not even a meadow. Just a big picture that isn’t what you think it is up close.
That’s how John thought.
Pulling the cigarette from his lips, sipping his orange juice, and smiling, Thatcher couldn’t help but wonder how in the world people got by thinking like John. There were so many, who lived by the “Big Picture” rule.
“That’s what you are John. A Big Picture kinda guy. You don’t look at all the little pebbles at the bottom of the pond and think, ‘man, there’s millions of pebbles on the bottom of that pond.’ No John, you walk up to that pond, stand on the edge and think one thing. Do you know that that one thing is you think John?” Pull the cigarette out, take a sip, set glass down, cigarette returned to the lips.
“That it’s a pond. Just a pond.” John said it, knowing that what Thatcher wanted to hear, that that was the answer he was seeking. And John would deny it, in his head, to the man sitting across from him with the loaded gun, with the cigarette and the orange juice. But, deep down inside, John knew that the man across from him was right.
“Exactly. It’s just a pond.” Cocking the hammer back on the gun, making John’s heart skip a beat, Thatcher relaxed back in his chair, running his free hand through his long, black hair. It wasn’t the first time he’d done this. Not in a long, long time.
“Why are you doing this?” John had to know. There he was, in his home, being held hostage by a man who had barged in, gun to John’s head, forcing the two to sit down. For two hours, to the second they had sat in silence, nothing said between them as Thatcher pointed the gun at the owner of the house. Then, precisely as those two hours were up, Thatcher pulled the unlit cigarette from his lips that had been there from the get go, introduced himself, asked for a glass of orange juice, no pulp.
“Ask yourself why the pond is just a pond?” Thatcher was smiling, still smiling.
“What does a damn pond have to do with you pointing a gun at me?” John couldn’t figure out for the life of him what he had done to make another man want to hurt him. The chance was there that Thatcher was no more than a crazy person, which was seeming more accurate a conclusion with each passing moment.
“The pond has nothing, and everything to do with this John. Here we are, two strangers, sitting across from each other, one has a gun pointed at the other, and the other has nothing pointed at the one. And then I ask you about a pond. Makes you wonder about the pond and why I even bring it up. Because John, right now, this situation is the pond. And it’s sink or swim time. Which are you going to do?”
John didn’t understand. What was happening? Was he about to die? Was he about to get shot by a man who didn’t even know, hadn’t met before, hadn’t even known existed before two hours and sixteen minutes earlier that evening.
“What are you going on about? Please, tell me what I did to deserve this? What did I do to you? Do you want money?” This only made Thatcher laugh harder, the cigarette almost falling from his lips, the man having to struggle to hold his mouth just right to not let the menthol stick fall.
“Please, all I wanted was your time, your ears and a glass of no pulp orange juice. I got all three, now all I want is for you to grasp and understand my reason for existing. We all have a reason, and this is mine.” All John could think was that Thatcher was out of his mind.
“If you’re going to kill me, just get it over with. I can’t stand this bullshit. I don’t get what you are going on about. So do it, just kill me.”
“There it is John. Just a pond, no pebbles. ‘Just kill me, kill me already.’ And you are probably thinking I’m out of my mind too aren’t you?” John just nodded, his eyes glued to the gun still pointed at him. “John, look at this, and ask yourself why I’m here?” Pulling out a picture from the front pocket of his ratty jean jacket, setting it on the table between the two, John was in shock, not understanding how the man across from his had it.
“Ashley.” The picture was of John’s daughter, who, having just died three weeks before in a car crash, was still the only thing that her father could ever think of anymore. He missed her so much, and for this psycho, this Thatcher to taunt him with her picture, it was sick. John didn’t care if he was going to die, get shot, whatever. He was going to murder the psycho who dared to even bring up his daughter. “You bastard, where did you get this?” John held the picture like it was his daughter, though he knew all too well the real Ashley was gone.
“That’s not important John. What is, is the pond.” Cigarette out, sip of juice, glass down, cigarette back.
“The pond. The pond. What does the pond have to do WITH MY DAUGHTER!” Slamming his fist on the coffee table, the glass top shattered, glass flying everywhere, but there Thatcher sat, just smiling. “If you’re going to kill me, KILL ME! DON’T SIT HERE, and talk to me about ponds, lakes, whatever. Just DO IT!” Crying, John was through, spent. His mind hurt from trying to figure out what was happening.
“That’s just it John. You want to see her again. Would die to do so. You blame yourself. Think it was your fault. She was driving though John, you were at home. Drunk driver hit her, not her fault, certainly not yours. And you are just begging me to pull that trigger, thinking that it would me committing murder, not you committing suicide. You miss her that much.” Finishing the orange juice, Thatcher set the empty glass down, and stood, looking down at the sobbing man.
John cried heavily, falling to the floor onto his knees, his hand bleeding, his non-bleeding hand holding the picture of Ashley to his heart. Thatcher was right. Absolutely right.
“Are you my Angel of Mercy? An Angel of Death? Who are you?” John prayed to some God that man had been sent to reconnect father and daughter. John’s wife had left him years ago, leaving the man to raise his daughter alone, leaving the two to grow closer, to bond. And then, with Ashley stolen from him, he was left alone in a world that was cruel, harsh, and unforgiving. “Be my Angel of Death Thatcher.”
“I’m no Angel, nor do I want to be. Too much work taking care of those wings.” Laughing, Thatcher walked over, placing a hand on the crying man’s shoulder. “The gun was never loaded, it just helps to get people to listen. Everything, all this, this world, life, death, it’s all a pond. Sometimes, you need to look past that, and right there, amongst the water, the ripples, the fish, is one pebble just waiting to be found.”
John, looking up to the man whose voice was soothing, calming, Thatcher still smiling, the cigarette still between his lips, John was still confused. Thatcher, nodding with his head towards the seat he had just been sitting it, John thinking it was empty, but proven wrong as he looked to it, his daughter somehow sitting there, smiling and crying, looking at her daddy.
“Ashley,” John said, losing his breath, crawling around the broken top table to his daughter. She was there, he could feel her, hug her. She hugged back. Her hair, her long blond hair was in his face, but he didn’t care. It smelled of lilies, and rosemary. It was pretty.
“I miss you daddy.” Her voice, it was soft, but it was Ashley’s, only making him cry harder.
“I miss you too baby. I miss you too. And I love you. I love you so much. And I’m sorry. I’m so….” His daughter put a finger to his lips, hushing him. Shaking her head, tears that shined like crystals falling from her eyes.
“Don’t be sorry daddy. It wasn’t your fault. And Thatcher took me to a better place, told me I’d get to see you one more time. But, he said, for me to see you, you had to do something.” His daughter was there, there with him for one more time. John would do anything. He couldn’t explain it, how Thatcher had done it. John knew it was Ashley, couldn’t deny it. He had buried his daughter weeks ago, and yet there she was, right in front of him, he holding her. He would do anything. He owed the man anything.
“Anything. You let me see her again. I let me see her.” Kissing her cheek, John looked away, throwing a smile to Thatcher, feeling Ashley disappear from his arms. Looking back, the seat was empty, his little girl gone from him again, making his cry again, this time harder than before.
“I’m tired of collecting souls John. I’m ready to gallop through a meadow, or swim in a pond, instead of just collection pebbles to sit at the bottom. You sir, are my replacement.” Standing, Thatcher, finally lit his cigarette. Twenty three years he had been waiting to light it.
“I don’t understand. Collect souls? For, heaven.” John, still crying, said he would do anything, but, he didn’t quite grasp was he was being charged with.
“No John. I said I wasn’t an angel.” Laughing, taking a closed eyed, long drag of the menthol stick, Thatcher blew the smoke out passed a sinister grin. “It’s a bit unfair, how we trick ‘em. I bring Ashley up, you see her, you agree to anything. Terrible really. Unfair in my opinion. Don’t see it coming. You didn’t see it coming did you?”
“I don’t understand. What’s happening?” Standing, looking to the gun was sitting on the floor, the gun that Thatcher had said was empty.
“Welcome to Hell’s Recruiting Services. We borrow souls on loan from heaven, use ‘em to ensnare guilty souls, and drag ‘em to hell. Quite a profession, and we get dental. Here’s the book of regulations, rules, guidelines, do’s and do not’s. And by the way, orange juice helps with going from the living world to hell. Don’t know why. Just does. Just remember, always…”
“No pulp,” John said, mouthing the words, not sure what else to say but to finish the sentence with the obvious answer. His eyes had shifted from the gun to the book that Thatcher held, and the man’s mind was spinning. Was it all real? Had his daughter’s soul been loaned from heaven to a man from hell to lure him into the same profession.
*
“Can I help you sir?” The woman asked, answering the door to the stranger who had been loudly knocking for several minutes, and though she had tried to ignore him, it had been no good, the knocking just continued until she gave in and answered it.
“Hello Marie. I’m going to need a glass of orange juice, no pulp. And my name is John,” the stranger said, the cigarette between his lips bouncing as he spoke. Four weeks it had been there, and he was actually surprised that he was good as his new profession, Recruiter.




