Chapter 6

I thought I could never be this happy and also this scared than this anymore.

The day after I lost my virginity, I couldn’t even walk, or I didn’t want to walk. I hid myself on my little bed and didn’t go to school. My roommates are very concerned about me, asking me if I am ill. It is impossible for me to tell them what happened last night, but since the question made my face blushed, I just told then I had a fever.

I never thought, sex, is like this, it didn’t feel well, and it is quite different than what I thought. I couldn’t understand why it is such a taboo and why parents tell us it is bad, while the books are saying it is so good. I knew something down there changed, and something of me changed, I think I am a woman now.

a WOMAN. This is what Chinese believe. after a girl loses her virginity she will become a woman; not the first period, not when the time she could find a job, not when she got married., not when she give birth to the babies, not when she understands what the life is really about. Is that day, when she lost her virginity, she become a woman.

The hymen, for thousands years, is considered as the most important thing of a girl in China, even now a days it is still one of the most precious qualities to be considered when a Chinese guy is looking for a wife. Girls who are still virgin before they get married are very proud of themselves, they can be arrogant to every guy. But in recent years they started complaining about the new technology, how it has cut down this superiority of them. It is the advertisement of the hymen repair you can see in every Chinese newspaper.

I once went to the hospital with a friend named Nan who also broke the divine hymen by having sex with her boyfriend they were together for 4 years. She didn’t even sleep in the same bed with him for four years, but one day Nan decided to give herself to him cause she thought they will get married as the guy promised, but this asshole dumped her two months after that. She was pregnant.

Of cause she’s pregnant, I don’t think most of the Chinese guys understand what a condom is. I knew they would pay more to the prostitute just because they don’t want to wear a condom, ‘It is much more comfortable’, they said.

‘Guys are all like this, they only care about you when you have something that they are after, and can’t get it. But once you decide to open your heart and give everything about you to them, they will take it and run away as fast as they can.’ She said, lying on the white bed of the hospital.

Nan came to me one day while I was reading a book in the school’s garden, ‘I have to borrow some money.’ She said, as she kept her voice down.

‘Sure,’ I always help my friends without too many thoughts, ‘Care to tell me what for?’

‘That bastard, I saw him with another girl on the street two days ago, I questioned him who is this girl, she asked me to fuck off and never show up in front of him again.’

I put down my book, looked at her shocked.

She continued, ‘I am pregnant, I have to do an abortion, I already booked the hospital, with student card I can get 20% off. I have to do it in a short while, or it is going to be danger…the doctor said.’

I think my face turned completely red, I heard people gossiping about some girl that went bad and had to have abortion, but I never thought this can actually happen to my friend.

‘Sure, how much do you need?’ I try to keep calm, actually I am more worried about her health.

‘I need 1200 more.’

‘This much?! I remembered those advertisements on the newspapers said the abortion only cost 200, and now you even have student discount!’

‘So, you are naïve.’ She pat my shoulder, ‘ I need a surgery of hymen repair right after it! And are you coming to the hospital with me? that bastard does not want to pay, not even come to the hospital with me.’

I knocked my head, looking at her under the warm sunshine of spring. Nan skin is pink as a fresh peach, she is 19, full of energy. But her face is different, she is so serious, that makes me serious. I don’t have time to panic or be sad for her, she has made the decision so fast, and so in order. All I can do is follow her. She is always like this just determined about everything. But this time, just one time she lost it to the guy she loved, she failed.

The doctor who gave her this surgery was so cruel! Especially when she saw Nan’s ID say that she is only 19, she gave her a disdainful look for 3 seconds. But Nan ignored her, just asked for the time when she will have the first surgery.

‘In one hour.’ The doctor quick checked the form, then turned her face around.

‘But…’ I wanted to ask her how come there’s no medical checking before Nan’s abortion, but Nan quickly stopped me by catching my hand, then she dragged me out of the office.

‘The abortion is only 200! How good you think it will be?’ Nan sits down at the plastic bench in the hall.

‘Come on,’ I can’t believe this, ‘so you just gonna risk your life cause you want to save money?’

‘I have no choice!’ She become a bit emotional, ‘My parents only gives me 700 a month, that bastard didn’t give me anything, now I owr you and some other people debts, I have to save every penny of the next three months in order to pay you back! You think I want it?!!’

Tears came out from Nan’s beautiful eyes, she took in a deep breath and wiped away those tears before they dropped.

‘…’ I suddently feel so sad, she is right, even I have to be careful with my money for the rest of this month. But also I have this anger engaged in my mind, I hate Nan’s boyfriend so much, I wish I could find him and tell him how poor Nan is now, and I would slap him if he is not going to help her.

‘You don’t need to pay me back that quickly, I am fine, you know my parents give me more every month.’ I said to her.

‘Thanks.’ She looked back to me, her eyes are red, ‘I will never forget about this, you are a good friend.’

Now she’s lying on the bed, just suffered from two surgeries in three days, the pink color is gone, her face is white as the sheets, almost merged with the bed. She is still wearing her own T-shirt and skirt. She said she couldnt wear the jeans after the abortion, it is no good, she read it on a website. I never read that website, but somehow I know what is she talking about. Maybe because I also lost my virginity.

‘I already told your professor that you need to stay in the hospital for a week. because the surgery of  your appendix.’ I cut the apple into small pieces and fed her with a knife.

For years after that, everytime I heard a girl who had an appendix surgery I will be suspicious of it.

‘OK.’ She closed her eyes, slowly chewing the apple.

‘You don’t worry, Just relax here, I will have to go back to the school this afternoon for classes, Long will come to pick me up.’ I put down the knife, then looked up to the injection bottle. There is still a lot of medicine in there, she will be fine after this, I hope.

Nan suddently opend her eyes, she looked at me with the sceptical eyes, ‘You are not sleeping with Long are you?’ She asked.

‘No.’ I denied immediately.

‘Don’t.’ She closed her eyes again and said, ‘You are only with him for two months, but don’t even give it to him before you registered married.’

Chapter 7

Actually, just two weeks after I lost my virginity to Long, we broke up.

It was Saturday, we were sitting at the restaurant that we always go, I picked up some chicken and put it in his bowl. He didn’t notice, because he is concentrated on his mobile. Recently he always concentrated on his mobile phone, I wanted to know who are these people keep sending him messages and why he has to respond to everyone, I had to top up his phone twice a week, or his phone will be out of service,  which means I can’t find him anymore. I have to keep an eye on him; one is because I love him so much, two because I am his now, and three I have to make him marry me.

It was only April, but Chongqing has already become the hottest city in China, I was a bit frustrated cause I dislike hot weather very much, it makes me moody.

A girl with long curly hair is suddently stand right next to our table,

‘I am pregnant.’ She said.

Long stood up and dragged her away before I could even see her face clearly.

I finished my lunch, I even finished his lunch, then I stood up and walked back to the dorm. While I was walking, I sent him a message.

‘Don’t explain, it is over.’

He didn’t respond. He disappeared for a week.

During his week, I still get up every morning, go to school, go to lunch, go to dinner, go to sleep.

All by myself.

I was surprised I didn’t feel this pain I supposed to feel after this. I got confused. Is it because I didn’t love him that much as I thought? Or, I was just so shocked that my heart was not keep up with my mind.

A week later he called me and asked me to meet him in a café. I went there and sat in front of him. I wish I could release my anger on him, but I didn’t feel anger when I saw his face.

He said that was his ex-girlfriend, he was dating her while he was taking the spring holiday back in his hometown. He didn’t know that she was pregnant, but now he solved the problem, he paid for her abortion.

Is this make him a good boy? I mean compare with Nan’s ex, Long already a man enough to take care of his own business.

I almost forgive him right after.

Then he said, he couldn’t just let her be alone after this, so he will still need to take care of her. But I am still his girlfriend, it is just, he has another girlfriend back home.

I stood up and walked away.

That night, while I was lying on my bed, I felt something down there, I went to the toilet and found out it was my period. I took care of it and went back to my bed.

The tears suddenly went all over my face as soon I covered myself, it couldn’t stop, just kept going. The cry has no sound. I huddled myself up, I told myself, this is it, the feeling of heart breaking.

That time, a sad song could just make me cry the entire night.

I was sad for months. Until that semester end. I thought maybe this is the end of my life, I was even thinking maybe I should get a hymen repair, but I didn’t. I knew even If I could fool other people, I can’t fool myself.

Chapter 8

I was like an un-dead, I don’t talk to people and I cry almost everyday. It was a Friday, all my roommates were out shopping, they didn’t ask me to go with them, cause they knew I wouldn’t go. They tried to make me feel better for a while, but I couldn’t get better, so they kind of just let me be. They cut off all the information about Long, They never talk about him in front of me anymore.

I decided to watch a movie online tonight, I think I should choose something funny, maybe also stupid, stupid enough that I can’t even think about anything while I watch it, so I wouldn’t somehow connect it to Long.

So I watched the American Pie.

All the people are drinking beer, they become crazy after that, crazy fun.

What a brilliant idea! Alcohol! How come I never thought about it! And all this sad people go drinking? They must do that for reasons! And reason is the alcohol can magically stop their sadness, or, at least for a short while!

I looked at the watch, 8:30, if I hurry up now, I can catch the late bus before the school closed up at 11:30.

I quickly got up and put on my T-shirt and jeans.

I got excited just because of this idea, I blamed myself for not having this idea earlier. I stood outside the school, I knew where to go. The bar street, the place all the students talks about, the nightlife symbol of Chongqing.

Deyi.

Did I mention that Chongqing is the biggest city of the world? Deyi is in another district, by bus, it took me one hour to finally get there.

It is my first time I saw anything like this for real. Nine o’clock, this place already shinning up with all the fantastic lights, one club next to one club, taxis are already waiting in line to pick up the drunk people, all the girls are wearing skirts and high-heels, their hair is stunning and all of them are wearing lots of make-up.

On the street people are laughing and smoking, but most of them just go back to the clubs after they finished the cigarettes.

This is the real adult world!

I feel a bit ashamed that I am not fully dressed up, I must look young and naïve to all of these people, so I decided that I am not going into the clubs, there is an outdoor bar, a lot of people are sitting there, they seems more casual to me.

As soon I walked close to this bar, one waitress already showed up in front of me and asked me if I am looking for anyone.

I shake my head, feel a bit shy. She must think I am a bad girl for coming out drinking by myself. Luckily she didn’t say anything else, just lead me to a small table in the corner.

As soon I sat down, I could feel there are a lot of eyes are looking towards to my table, I felt more shy, pretending I was checking the menu.

Actually the alcohol is much cheaper than I thought it will be. I brought all my money with me, I just wanted to get drunk, don’t want to think about how am I gonna survive the rest of the month. But now looking at the menu, I think I can take at least ten beers tonight and still manage.

I was wrong. I got drunk right after the second beer.

Maybe I drank it too fast, I had to, I don’t know anybody here, besides drinking the beer I don’t know what else to do. I felt like I should go to the toilet.

I can hardly walk straight, but I think my mind is still clear, I know what I am doing, just a bit not under 100% control. When I came back to the table, I don’t know why I started thinking about Long again, even stronger! All the nice memories all comes up, but they all just makes me more sad! Why? Why do I miss him so much more than I when I was sober? Isn’t alcohol supposed to make people forget about things???

I start crying, I was just so sad that I couldn’t control myself even in public, I tried to keep it low, quickly wipe off the tears on my face.

Someone sat next to me, and gave me a napkin.

‘How are you darling?’ He asked. He speaks English.

I looked up, and I saw his face. Yes, he is a foreigner, he sits there with his big nose and golden hair.

I was surprised. Of course I saw foreigners before, but I never got the chance to talk to one, plus there are not so many of them in Chongqing, sometimes people on the street just stare at them like they are aliens.

I stopped crying immediatlly , because I become nervous, this is my first time speaking to an foreigner. Luckily my English is good since I was in High school, I answered him.

‘I am fine. Thank you.’

‘You are fine?’ He seems confused, this time I saw his eyes so clear, they are blue, so beautiful!

‘Yes.’ I can’t remove my eyes from his face. It is my first time being this close to a foreigner.

‘OK. ’ He drank some of his beer, he noticed my empty glass, so he asked me, ‘Would you like to have another one?’

‘OK.’ I don’t know what else to say! I am too nervous! I feel I will do all the things he asked to do, it is like his face has magic!

He asked the waitress to come over to our table, ordered another beer in Chinese. His Chinese is not so good, but I am already very surprised. I saw him take out his money and was going to pay, that’s when I woke up, I quickly speak the Chinese to the waitress, ‘Don’t take his money, I will pay by myself.’

‘Why not?’ She asked.

‘What do you mean why not, I don’t know him , I will pay by myself!’ I am a bit angry, how come this waitress just assumes that his is my very old friend that I can let him pay for my bill.

He still hold his money in his hand, seems confused, but soon he started smiling. This time is me who got confused.

‘Why you are laughing?’ I asked

‘I am not laughing my darling, I just found you very funny. I am similing.’

‘Why you call me darling? I am not your darling, I just met you.’

This time he really starts laughing.

I don’t know what I said was wrong to make him laugh like that, he laughed so loud that people around start looking at him.

He finally stopped, ‘Hi my friend, My name is P.’ He gave me one of his hands.

‘Hello P, my name is Amy.’ I shaked his hand.

He cheers with me, I am very happy, now I have a foreign friends, this is something new!

‘So where are you from?’ I looked at his face clearly again. I really cannot tell the difference between the looks of people from different countries.

‘Denmark.’

‘Denmark? Where is that?’ I try to search this word in my mind.

‘Dan Mai!’He said in Chinese. I guess he get this questions a lot in China.

‘Oh! Dan Mai, in north Europe, yes I know that place! The little mermaid!’ I said, hope he will not think that I know nothing about the world.

But he started laughing again, I really don’t understand why he is laughing at me.

‘My darling, you are so funny!’ He said.

‘No I am not. And I don’t understand why you keep laughing like that. Are you too drunk?’

‘Maybe!’ He looked back to his beer, then he finally stopped laughing, he looked at me, and asked, ‘So what’s wrong? Why you were crying? I noticed you when you came here, I am sure you are not coming here often.’

‘You are right, Iit is my first time here. I am unhappy because of my ex-boyfriend.’

‘Oh, typical.’ He said.

‘What do you mean typical?’

‘Girls at your age, easy heart-breaking.’

‘I am! So can we stop talking about this?’

‘Dar…friend, has anyone ever told you that you are a little bit rude? Just a little bit!’

‘Why am I rude? I didn’t ask you to go away when you sat next to me, and I didn’t let you to pay for my beer, I didn’t get angry when you laughing at me. You know? Actually I think you are a little bit rude!’

‘Amazing, you actually have a point!’ P raised up his beer, ‘ Cheers for being rude!’

After that we talked more. I got to know that he is already in China for 6 years, and now he is teaching English in Chongqing. That gives me a bit of relief, a teacher is always a respectful job. At least he is not some bad people. I trusted him more.

Soon this beer finished, I am very dizzy, but I am not sad anymore.

‘Another beer?’ P asked.

‘No, I have to go back to school. The gate will be closed soon.’

‘Fuck the school, it is so far. If you want, you can stay at my place tonight, I just live around the corner.’

‘No.’ I am a bit angry, how can he ask a girl go to stay at his place the first night they meet, no, not even two years after they meet!