Chapter 1 The past

I don’t need you to make me whole but I am missing something. I have tried to
fill the void of my lost hope for you. The darkness of revenge is eating my soul alive,
filling it with ebony. Momentarily I feel that I need to fill it with light, hope or
at least something not as dark. It’s hopeless, you deserve everything that I’ll give to you.
The thoughts behind my cruel actions fill the darkness with more darkness like a grave
digger burying a fresh corpse. It feels good to make you feel as dark and worthless as I
do. That’s all I need to do. I just need you to feel as low if not lower than I do. I used to
love you but you screwed up and now all that is left in my heart is revenge.

I let you look as I slip off my fire engine red dress. I am self conscious about my
body and mind and for a good reason. I’ve never let anyone who cares about physical
appearances look at me without clothes on. Somehow you’re different. You make my
body uncontrollably shake with anticipation and worry that you‘ll see right through my
plan. Questions run through my head as though they were on speed. I can’t stop thinking
about anything and everything that’s happened these past few weeks. I finally float back
to the present. It’s not my first time but I’m unsure if it’s yours. I try to look seductive
however I’m sure I fail miserably. My mind is preoccupied with making you feel my
pain. I feel better when I look at your face. Expecting a look of utter disgust, I’m
surprised by your expression.

You gaze at me, staring me up and down, up and down. You look as though you
have never seen a girl with this few clothes on, licking your lips in approval as you shift
your weight in your bed. You can hardly keep yourself seated as I smile fakely at you.
Your shirt is already off and I can see your rib cage. You’re nothing like any of the other
men in my life but that’s a good thing. You are confident except for a second. I can see a
flicker of self loathing and a drop in your level of self confidence. I try to seem as normal
as ever but I feel awkward. I can’t take it any longer and I give into my intentions of making
you hurt like I do.

I seductively walk over to your bed and straddle your legs. Unsure of what to do
next, I stare at the wall behind you. This is so different than any of the other times. We
have a strange connection that I just can’t figure out, yet I still loathe you. Your arms
reach around my waist and pull me against you. Our eyes meet as your strong hands
wander all over my semi-naked body. I push you down into the pillows and you smile as
I turn up the music to cover all of the sound we might make. I had a plan but I needed
you to sink as low as possible before the humiliation hit.

Your lips are ice against my body. Lightheaded and heart pounding in my chest, I still keep
going. I feel sick but this and you make me feel like I am doing what‘s in my best interest.
Wanting more of me, you disrobe what little clothes I have on. I am slightly shocked and caught
up in the moment at the same time. The void is being temporarily patched, the plan is almost
ready to be set in motion. I finally feel free to do what I want to please you. All I want to do is
make you suffer like I did. Your destruction means my happiness.

For a brief second between songs and the banging of the headboard against the
wall a creaking footstep is heard from overhead. Simultaneously we stop and look up. A
few more click clicking of heels are heard from the room overhead. The pleased
expression drops on your face and turns into a look of sheer terror. A woman’s silvery
voice is heard, calling your name. I can only assume that it’s your mothers voice. As the
voice grows louder you leap off me and the bed, quickly cleaning up all evidence that I
existed and throwing it in your closet. My assumptions are confirmed as you take one last
glance over your room and whisper for me to hide.

I drop off your bed, army style, and roll under it. My plan is ruined. Seconds later
you open the door, hardly giving her time to knock. I lay rather uncomfortably under
your bed in the darkness for five minutes at least. Your mother discusses her day with
you and her plans for the evening. Reluctantly you tell her some false story about going
out with friends. I know we are going to spend most of the night together, or at least
the revisions of my plans say so. She turns to leave and mentions your current girlfriend.
Intrigued, I listen closely and realize she’s not talking about me. My heart sinks and the
void is opened wider than before. I stop listening, concentrating on keeping my anger
inside until she finally leaves. I see your bedroom door shut and hear the lock tick. I
crawl out from under the bed, hiding my feelings of disgust towards you. I can’t describe
my amount of rage I have for you.

Expecting to pick up right where we left off, you quickly undress and lay back
under the covers. I want you to feel how badly you have crushed me and see how you
like your heart being stomped on. I give in to your half-assed attempt to get me back into
the mood. I play off your total obliviousness, enjoying every minute of it. I realize that
I’m manipulating you but at this point I don’t care. I’m only returning the favor of my
broken heart to make sure you feel the same way. You smile and reach for me. I give you
a sultry smile back and willingly come over to you. Our bodies press up against each
other I can smell a hint of cologne from earlier. Watching your face I whisper
“I didn’t know you have another girlfriend.”

All the blood drains from your face as I climb off you and search for my clothes,
you hid from your mother. I see a red strap peeking through your closet doors. I assume
its mine so I put my dress back on as you lay there stunned. When I find my black boots,
I put my leg on your chair and start to zip them up when I realize I’m missing a crucial
part of my clothes. Throwing my dress off, I slide my underwear back on. Once all my
clothing is almost back in place I feel your warmth. My dress still covers my face but I
can’t deny that I feel your presence right next to me. I turn to speak but you beat me to it.
“Um…”
“Shut up I don’t want to hear it! You know it’s a disappointment that you were a good lover.
This could have turned into a lifetime thing instead of a once in a lifetime thing. I‘ve
forgiven you for all of the other things you did to me and I find out that you have more
skeletons in your closet.”

I turn to leave and you grab my arm. I spin around to see a pathetic look on your
face. I’m not phased by this look. It’s the same one I give my mother, when she’s sober,
to get out of stuff. I try to leave but you still hold on to my wrist. I can see your genuine
longing to be with me but I can’t forgive you. You come closer and make a move to kiss
me. I let your lips press against mine because there is no emotion behind it. At least from
my side there is no emotion. I catch hold of the door handle and twist as this emotionless
kiss is in play. It is still locked. You back up to take a breath and lean in for another kiss.
As you lean in for a second kiss I pull away before your lips can reach mine. I open the
door and let you fall.

Your head hits the adjacent wall. I avoid your body and barley miss getting hit
myself. You probably have a major concussion as of right now but frankly I don’t care.
I’m hurting and so should you. Of course my pain is emotional, however it hit me like a
blow to the head so we’re even. My legs propel me forward without a thought in my
head. I don’t look back. I can’t look back. I just keep running, moving one foot and then
the other. Down the hall up the stairs out the door towards home. I wipe my cheeks
blackened from the mascara. Longing to be home I run faster than I thought I could go.
One foot then the other one foot then the other.