Charlotte, or Lottie to those who knew her well, was a princess of Luracand. As such, she had been brought up with all the conventional training such a position necessitates. By age twelve she had mastered the art of attracting woodland creatures to her person using only her voice. She had built up an immunity to most know poisons so the only harm done to her was a couple months sleep. She was well versed in certain spells that pertain to young princesses, knew to stay away from gingerbread cottages, and never accepted any sort of fruit from old peddler women. She had read the stories, practiced various rescue scenarios, kissed every frog in the kingdom, and knew exactly how many times to bat her long eyelashes to get whatever she wanted in any given situation.
By all accounts and purposes Lottie was a perfectly acceptable princess except for one thing. Lottie had no interest in marriage. In fact, she had never looked at the same handsome prince twice. Her father, the king, grew increasingly worried about this particular detail when her sixteenth birthday came and went without a betrothal. There had been dozens of viable princes over the years. Each one had lifted some spell or another, endured harsh climates, and rescued the Lottie from witches, goblins, and once, a very pushy insurance salesman, and yet the princess remained indifferent. Lottie much preferred the princes to recount their actions, in painstaking detail, than to ask for her hand. Her father blamed this attitude partially on a certain fairy he had once offended, and on Lottie’s complete misinterpretation of classic fairy tales.
The king grew more and more despondent as the years ticked by and offered an enormous dowry and half his lands to anyone who was able to win his daughter’s heart. One day Luracand was visited by a prince from a far distant kingdom. A prince no more handsome than the rest, but twice as charming. The prince in question was Prince Calix and was, strictly speaking, only a prince in name. Calix’s homeland had had a violent political revolution in the past year or so. As it stood now, he just so happened to be the only living member of the royal family, flat broke, and a bit of a drifter. For now, he wandered from kingdom to kingdom slaying the occasional dragon and seducing the odd princess, courtier, and duchess as he happened upon them. Sensing an opportunity after hearing of the king’s desperate offer, Calix decided to woo the young princess.
He found her in a spectacularly manicured garden standing in the knee deep water of a reflecting pool and skipping rocks across its surface. To her knowledge, she was quite alone, so it came as something of a surprise when she heard a masculine throat being cleared from a vaguely behind her direction.
“You must be Lottie,” said Calix, dodging a smooth stone suddenly sailing past his head. “I didn’t mean to frighten you.”
“I am Lottie,” she said, “To those who know me well. Most refer to me as Charlotte at the first meeting. As far as frightening me, don’t flatter yourself. Although I am sorry about the stone. You should know better than to sneak up on people in mid swing.”
“Ah, I apologize. Let me introduce myself,” said Calix.
“No need,” said Lottie, skipping another stone. “You are without a doubt the latest in a long list of handsome princes coming to ask for my hand in marriage. As I am not interested in marrying you, I need not know your name.”
“You think I’m handsome,” he said.
“I hadn’t noticed,” she said. “I just assumed.”
“You assumed correctly,” said Calix. “On both accounts. I am the handsome prince who has come to marry you.”
“Better men than you have tried and failed.”
“If there is such a man he should be hanged for slander.”
Lottie took another stone and skipped it three times across the pond.
“You certainly think quite highly of yourself prince-“
“Calix,” he replied skipping a stone four times across the pond. “And in time you shall think as highly of me as I do.”
“I doubt it sir. There is nothing to set you apart from the dozen or so princes who have come before you,” Lottie said as she turned to go. “It was lovely meeting you, but I’m afraid your quest for a marriage was unfruitful. Unless you care to wed my father. He has been so very lonely since mother died.”
“I really think if you give it a chance, you might quite like to marry me,” Calix replied as he moved to stop her from leaving. “Why, I’m sure that in two days’ time we could have a cake baked, guests invited, and two hundred red roses lining the walls of your local church. Roses are a particular favorite of mine, and two hundred is something of a lucky number for me.”
“Unfortunately sir,” Lottie began, “I care nothing about the number two hundred, and as far as flowers go, I much prefer lilies.”
Once more she made to leave, but the prince blocked her way.
“Let me pass, sir.”
“Come, Lottie,” he said. The number may be negotiated, but I really feel if you give them a chance, the roses can be quite pleasant.”
“Prince Calix, you may remove yourself from my path, or I can do it for you. The choice is yours.”
“It is a personal philosophy of mine to never do for myself what others may do for me,” said Calix with a flash of his gleaming white teeth.
“Suit yourself,” she said, rolling him over her shoulder and into the water behind her. A moment’s satisfaction was quickly replaced by shock, contempt, and then shock again as she found her feet flying out from under her and her head pitched into the chilly water.
“You throw like a man!” Calix said slinging water from his brow.
“Wish I could say the same for you,” said Lottie, as she freed her face from the soggy tendrils of hair that clung to it.
“That’s a little uncalled for, Lottie.”
“And manhandling me wasn’t?” she spat.
“Well, to be fair” began Calix. “You did start it.”
If Lottie had a reply, it was cut short by her abrupt and unexpected abduction by a large green dragon. The beast appeared out of nowhere and snatched Lottie up in its great scaly claws. After the initial shock, Calix wasted no time in drawing his sword and attacking blindly. His first slash caught the dragon across the snout and Calix let out a laugh. The dragon was less amused. It snorted and whipped its tail around to knock the erstwhile prince off his feet before taking once more to the air. Calix took a moment to catch his breath and then mounted his horse and took off after the monster.
The dragon flew high over the castle walls with Calix right on its heels. Once it had cleared the ramparts, the dragon climbed higher in in the sky until it resembled a small glittering emerald. Calix tore through the castle gates and across the gardens. From what he could tell, the dragon appeared to be making for the woods at the foot of the Iron Mountains. It reached the woods just before the prince. The dense cypress trees slowed the creature a little. Calix took and arrow from his quiver and released it from his bow. The bolt slid through the air in much the same way as a cat wouldn’t, and buried itself deep in the dragon’s left wing.
The wing crumpled like a deflated circus tent and both dragon and princess dropped from the sky. A swirling vortex of scales and skirts crashed through the forest’s canopy until at last the heaving bulk of the great lizard plowed into the clearing below. Calix dismounted and fitted another arrow in his bow as he crept between the trees with about as much stealth as the dragon itself. The dragon in question sat with its wing stretched out on a soft bed of moss. At the moment the beast was attempting, unsuccessfully, to pull the shaft out. As such it was a little preoccupied with the blood pooling at the site of the wound and didn’t notice the prince’s arrival. Lottie did.
“Put that thing away before you hurt someone,” she said, as Calix pulled the bowstring taught.
Calix nearly snapped the bow in half at the sound of her voice. He looked around for its source but couldn’t find the princess.
“Up here,” she said from the nearest tree.
Calix glanced up to find Lottie suspended from a high branch by her long skirts. “What are you doing up there,” he asked.
“The dragon dropped me after you took out its wing,” said Lottie.
“That hardly seem like a dignified place for a princess,” Calix said.
Lottie snorted and then began unlacing her bodice. “I’d be down there with you if not for this infernal dress,” she said. “Lace is snagged on a branch. Useless things. I’d much rather wear a tunic and breeches any day.”
“Be grateful,” Calix replied. “It probably saved your life.”
“My life wouldn’t have needed saving if you hadn’t been so eager start shooting at anything that moved.”
“That thing was trying to eat you!”
“How could it have possibly eaten me?” she said as she shimmied out of her gown. “It would have had to put me down first.”
“What are you doing?” Calix asked when he noticed that Lottie was disrobing.
“I can’t very well get out of this tree in that gown now can I?”
Calix’s face reddened and he turned his back to the princess. “You mean to say you’re going to climb down in your undergarments?”
“Precisely”
“But that’s,” he searched for the right word. “Indecent.”
Lottie sighed and then rolled her eyes. Which proved to be a poor decision as in doing so she only managed to tangle herself further in the dress. “Oh please. Have you ever seen a woman’s undergarments? We wear more under our clothes than any man does in his entire ensemble.”
“I could give you a hand if you wish,” huffed Calix.
“If you want to help,” Lottie said as she kicked the yards of heavy fabric away from her body, “then keep your voice down. We don’t want to draw attention ourselves. Whoops.”
It is a little known fact that most shoes specifically made for princesses are better suited for masque balls than climbing trees. Had this information be readily available, Lottie might have been more judicious in where she placed her foot. It came as quite a shock to both of them when Lottie was lowering herself from branch to branch one minute and tumbling down on top of Calix the next. The overall effect was the same as if someone had thrown a cannonball through a church window at midnight.
“Do you think the dragon heard that?” Calix wondered from somewhere below Lottie’s left knee.
“Of course I heard you, you twit. Between the two of you bickering and the female snapping what I can only assume was every branch and possibly a bone as it fell out of the tree, I’d be surprised if there was a creature in this wood who wasn’t aware of the situation,” said the dragon.
It was at that time that Calix’s horse fainted from shock. Calix and Lottie were a bit taken back as well. After a moment or two of stuttering, Calix finally found his voice. “You can talk,” he said. Not the most intelligent of comments, but true none the less.
“Of course I can talk,” said the dragon.
“But,” began Calix. “You’re a dragon.”
The dragon snorted out a puff of smoke as it rolled its eyes. “It was the scales and wings that gave me away wasn’t it?”
“And the princess kidnapping,” replied Lottie cordially.
The dragon nodded its head in agreement. “Hang on,” said Calix. “I didn’t know dragons could talk.”
“And how many dragons have you met then?” Neither Calix nor Lottie replied as the dragon fixed them with its yellow eyes, gave a small chuckle, and then turned his attention to the arrow stuck in its wing. “Exactly,” it said.
Lottie turned to Calix and shrugged. “He has a point,” she said. “My name is Charlotte, Princess of Luracand. Lottie to my friends.”
“Godric,” the dragon said. “And the boy?”
“Man,” Calix corrected.
“Oh, that’s Calix,” said Lottie.
“I wonder, Lottie,” began Godric, “If you would mind removing this arrow from my shoulder. It twinges quite a bit.”
“Sure,” Lottie said as she strode across the clearing.
“What are you doing?” shouted Calix as he unceremoniously grabbed her by the arm.
Lottie shook herself free from his grasp and turned to face him. “Well Calix I am going to retrieve your arrow.”
“He tried to eat you!”
“I did not!” retorted Godric indignantly.
“Oh Calix relax,” Lottie said as she crossed the clearing. “I can take care of myself.” She hoisted herself onto Godric’s back and crawled upwards to the wound being very careful to dodge the spikes. “Now, this might sting a bit.”
“I really don’t think this is a good idea,” said Calix bravely keeping his distance from Godric’s jaws.
“I have removed an arrow from someone’s body before Calix. “ She grasped the bolt firmly in both hands. “Ready, Godric? On the count of three. One. Two. Three!” She pulled with all her might and the arrow came free with a sound that could only be described as a “squelch.”
Before she had time to react, Godric threw his body across the clearing and sent Lottie once more careening into Calix.
“Now look what you’ve done,” Calix said after breaking Lottie’s fall. “You’ve angered it.”
“He, Calix. Don’t be rude, “ she said watching the poor dragon hop around the forest in pain, knocking down many trees, and generally making a ruckus. “And he wouldn’t be nearly as angry if you hadn’t shot him in the first place.”
“I was trying to save you.”
“Oh good, a new experience for me,” Lottie spat at him. “You princes are all the same. You always assume that just because a girl gets carried off by a dragon, or locked in a tower, or enchanted by an old hag that she needs some handsome prince to come and rescue her!”
Calix flashed his toothiest smile. “I knew you thought I was handsome.”
“We’re done here. Godric!” Lottie stormed away from Calix and walked towards the dragon who had gone from hopping from one foot to the other to lying flat on his back, wings akimbo, and whimpering slightly.
“Godric, calm down,” Lottie said soothingly.
“I’m dead. I’m dead, I died. I’m dead.” Large tears welled in Godric’s eyes and slid down his face.
“Lottie, come away from the crying dragon,” Calix said cautiously.
“ I’m not crying!” Godric bellowed through his tears. “It’s my allergies. They act up awful this time of year.”
Lottie sighed and bent down next to Godric’s head. “Godric get up. You’re fine. It’s barely a scratch.”
“No it isn’t. I’m dying,” he said.
“No you’re not Godric.”
“Yes I am!” He clutched his heart and thrashed around on the ground again. “This is it. I’m dying! Oh what a cruel way to go! Goodbye all. Thus ends Godric the dragon!”
“Godric!” yelled Lottie balling up her fist. “Snap out of it!” She reared back and socked him in the snout. Hard. Godric stopped whining after that.
“You just punched a dragon in the face!” Calix said in awe.
“And it hurt like the devil!” Lottie wrung out her hand and tried to massage some feeling back into it. “But you don’t see me making a spectacle of myself. Now get up Godric! You’re not even bleeding.”
“I’m not?” he asked, genuinely surprised.
“No, dear you’re not,” Lottie reassured him.
“Oh, right then.” He rolled over and pulled himself up into a sitting position. “Sorry to make such a fuss.”
“That’s okay,” Lottie said and sidled up to him. “Now would you mind telling me why you tried to kidnap me?”
Calix rolled his eyes and stomped across the clearing. “He’s a dragon Lottie. He doesn’t need a reason. That’s what they do!”
Godric gave a hollow rumble deep in his throat and buried his head in his wing. Lottie had never heard a dragon cry before, but it was oddly disconcerting. “Calix!” she said. “You are being very rude to poor Godric. Look you made him cry.”
“He abducted you!” Calix snapped. “I hardly think his feelings are at the top of our concerns.”
Lottie shrugged. “I’m sure it was all some sort of misunderstanding.”
“What’s to misunderstand?” said Calix. “He’s a dragon, you’re a princess. Such is the way of the world.”
“What a remarkably narrow view of the world,” said Lottie.
“No, no, he’s right.” Godric’s voice was slightly muffled by his wing. He was still a dragon though so no one really noticed.
“So you abducted me simply because I’m a princess?” Lottie asked bewildered.
“Yes and no,” said Godric.
“Yes and no?” wondered Calix.
The dragon thought a moment then said, “Well not no. Mostly yes.” Calix chortled and gave Lottie a self-satisfied grin.
“You see,” began Godric, “When a dragon comes of age he is required by his clan to find a princess and bring her to his lair before he or she can be officially recognized as an adult.”
“What a strange ritual,” said Calix. Lottie glared at him.
“No stranger than being forced to marry to prove your worth,” she said.
“And I’ve failed my test,” wailed Godric. “I’ll never be able to show my face at the clan again. I’ll be shunned. Cast out. Be forced to live in the foothills with the griffins!”
Godric collapsed in sobs. Great salty tears splashed from his eyes, soaking the ground.
“I’m sure it can’t be that bad,” said Calix.
“Have you ever met a griffin?” shouted Godric.
Calix and Lottie both had to admit that they hadn’t. According to Godric they were quite annoying and self-important.
“What am I going to do?” wondered Godric. The sobs were growing louder now and the hiccups had started. “I’m facing exile. If I don’t deliver you to the ritual grounds by noon tomorrow I’ll be cast out of the clan. Forced to leave my home. Do you know what that’s like?”
Lottie shook her head, but Calix knew all too well what leaving one’s home was like. All of a sudden he felt a great wave of sympathy for the soggy creature before him. Unable to explain exactly why and against his better judgment Calix approached Godric and placed a shaking hand on his head. He stroked the dragon’s face for a moment and then offered his cape to dry Godric’s tears. Godric wiped his eyes clear and blew his nose which scorched a flaming hole through the once expensive fabric. Calix sighed and tossed the cape to the forest floor as Lottie watched the prince comfort the dragon genuinely bewildered.
“I may have an idea what that’s like,” Calix said at last. “Maybe we can help.”
“What?” Lottie said, stunned.
“Well,” said Calix, “You just have to abduct the princess and present her to the clan correct?”
“That’s it,” sniffled Godric.
“And you don’t have to eat her right?”
“Oh no, of course not,” Godric said defensively. “I’m a vegetarian.”
Calix briefly wondered about the daily life of a vegetarian dragon but quickly pushed the thought aside.
“What if you…borrowed Lottie for long enough to complete the test?”
“That…” thought Godric. “Might actually work.”
“Wait a minute,” piped Lottie. “I didn’t agree to any of this!”
“Oh come on, Lottie” said Calix. “What else have you got to do today?”
Lottie crossed her arms and fumed. “Getting carried off to a dragon stronghold is not my ideal way to spend the afternoon.”
“The ritual grounds are hardly a stronghold,” offered Godric.
“Please, Godric” said Calix with an assertive wave of his hand. “We’re trying to have a conversation over here.”
Godric hung his head and slunk against a tree.
“Calix this is not the idea of a sane person,” Lottie said.
“Where’s your spirit of adventure, Lottie?” Calix goaded her. “What’s the matter? Afraid of breaking a nail?”
Lottie didn’t like how quickly he had found exactly the right button to push. He had proposed the challenge and she’d never be able to look him in the eye if she didn’t accept.
“All you have to do is present me to the clan?” she asked Godric.
“That’s it,” he said. “Well, and defeat Calix in battle when he comes to rescue you.”
“Wait a second!” Calix yelped.
Lottie laughed at the squeaky tone of his voice. “Well now, what an interesting twist to this story.”
Calix was pacing back and forth now with barely contained anxiety. “That was never part of the original plan, Godric.”
“So I left out a small detail,” he shrugged.
“A small detail? A small detail?” Calix quickened his pacing. “Me losing my life in a battle against a dragon with low self-esteem is not a small detail. That’s a pretty crucial plot point!”
“Oh come on, Calix. Where’s your spirit of adventure,” Lottie smiled as she threw down the gauntlet.
“Easy for you to say,” shot back Calix. “All you have to do is sit back and enjoy the show. You don’t have fight and lose to a giant fire breathing reptile.”
Godric coughed to get their attention. “I may not actually have to defeat you. I just need the clan to believe I did.”
“Still yet,” said Calix uneasily.
“If you are unwilling to stage a fight with Godric,” said Lottie staring up into the tree she had fallen out of. “There may be another way.”
Calix and Godric followed her gaze into the tree. Calix’s eyes widened in horror. “Oh, most certainly not!” he said. Godric only laughed as he plucked Lottie’s gown from the branches.
A: I have on Spider Man, what are you wearing?
