Eryn’s Dream

She awoke next to her dream on a bed of forget-me-nots. It was one of those rare moments that transcend reality, love, death, happiness, innocence, prejudice, understanding, fear. . .

She listened to the dream speak. In its voice she heard every person’s laughter, every child’s scream, every unfaithful lover’s lie. She heard the sorrow of every parent losing a child, and the bitterness of every brother or sister losing a sibling. She listened to all of the emotions she would vocalize, as well as the ones she couldn’t, or wouldn’t. . .

Looking into the dream’s eyes she saw every first crushes broken heart, every first love’s disappointment, every first-born’s wonderment. She saw the motivation on the face of a boy told he’s not good enough, and the nervousness of a boy afraid of rejection. She saw every crushed hope, every broken dream of a son, a daughter, a father, mother, friend, lover, who only wanted more for. . . someone. And in those eyes she saw all the men she would love and every inner-child she would hate. Every person that would love her but she couldn’t love back. She saw the people she loved and wondered if they loved her. . .

Inhaling her dreams breath she smelled the waste of a person alone, the desperation of a woman falling apart but trying to hold herself together. She smelled the sweetness of a teenage boy’s whisper, and the tartness of that whispers impure intentions. She smelled the odor of two bodies entangled as she let her body be taken by that whisper. And she smelled alcohol. . .

She tasted her dreams tongue and in that the flavor of tears lost in a public bathroom in some city somewhere and the drugs taken to forget those tears. She tasted the sweat falling off the faces, arms, legs of children and their parents working to survive. She tasted the blood lost in a hospital room for being human. Of blood lost on the street for being a different shade of skin. Of blood lost on the battlefield for being young. Of blood lost in the bedroom for grasping at innocence. . .

She reached out, and touching her dreams hand felt the goose bumps of a nightmare or fantasy realized. She felt the panic and guilt of a wrong-doing, and the tightened fist of a person done wrong. She felt every bruised, broken, bleeding wrist of a person who gave up on nothing but themselves. She felt the sting of a missed opportunity, and of a missed friend. She felt herself falling into this moment of self-actualization, self-awareness, self-realization, self. . . self. . . selflessness.

She had heard, seen, smelled, tasted and felt everything she was, is, and could become. Anyone could become. And she wondered, “Is this all there is?”

Letters to the Girls I (Once) Love(d): 11

There was a letter written to someone, somewhere, once. It may have read, in part:

“Dear [REDACTED 11],

I’m sorry I have to write you this way. I’m not trying to be a coward, or show disrespect to our relationship, but this is the only way I can clearly say what I need to say. If I try to say it to you in person I’ll be reduced to whimpering and crying, and nothing will be said. At least this way I can bring you into my thoughts while whimpering and crying. Consider this me multitasking.

I’ve never loved someone like I love you. The thought of not having you by my side until the second I die doesn’t just break my heart, it doesn’t only make me sick to my stomach, it burns my eyes, it tightens every muscle in my body, it forces my brain and my heart to beat against their cages to be released so they can run into the woods and die honorably, alone. But I’ve realized that perhaps we can’t be together. We’re not destined for each other. Not that I believe in destiny, anyway.

The problem we face is insurmountable. I can never complete you, because in order for me to complete you I’d have to lie to you. I’ll never believe in God. I’m not built for that. In order to have the life you’ve always imagined yourself having, you need someone that shares those beliefs with you. In a lot of ways, that’s the most important thing you look for in the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with. I’m not him. I can’t be him. And there’s no possible way I can ever communicate how much I regret that. Because I love you with every piece of me. I really, really do.

We can’t change for one another. It’s not in us. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us. And to ignore the problem would cause it to fester. I can give you the world and it wouldn’t be enough. Please don’t take that as a bad thing. I’m not placing blame, I’m trying to speak truth. Regardless of what I can give you in the life we build, I can never return your faith. I can never sit in church with you on Sunday and not be lying. Because of this, even if I’m holding you and kissing you and telling you how much I love you, and what an amazing life I’ve had because of you, while you lie on your deathbed you’ll know that you’re going to die alone. I won’t be joining you in eternity. That’s always going to be in the back of your mind. The mortal life is enough for me. I’m not built for heaven. You are.

I don’t think that’s fair. It’s not fair to you to only ever be 90% complete. And it’s not fair for me to be constantly competing with God. It’s not a fight I can win. It’s not a fight I want to win. I guess this is me forfeiting, then.

It will always be in my imagination the life we could have led together if only there was room for compromise. How beautiful we would be together. How inspiring our story would be. How wasteful our differences are.

Goodbye, darling. I hope we can both find what we’ve had again. I have no choice but to believe we will.”

And someone, somewhere, never read that letter.

Play

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Mirror and Blood

Slowly, the ghostly pale girl stepped over the broken alcohol bottles scattered all over her bedroom floor. She then emerged into her bathroom. Her eyes lifted towards the mirror caked with tiny cracks and blood. She examined her reflection.

“Who are you?” She whispered. The girl could barely recognize herself any more. The light that once held in her eyes diminished within months. Expecting no answer from her question, she began to dig for one special friend.

“I’m you, stupid.” She heard a voice state.

Her eyes widened at her reflection. “No, you couldn’t have said that. You’re just a reflection. I think I’m going crazy.”

“Maybe I am, or maybe you’re the reflection.”

“I’m going crazy,” she muttered to herself, “To think my reflection is talking.”

“Oh drop it. I just can’t believe you now. Like, what the hell?”

She just stared at her reflection with a questioning look.

“Don’t play dumb with me. Why? Why did you do it?”

“Do what?”

“You killed him,” her voice lowered to a whisper. “Our only love.”

Her eyes widen and glistened with tears. “N-no, I didn’t. I don’t know what you’re talking about. The only guy that I ever loved is still alive and breaking hearts left and right.”

“Don’t lie to yourself. You know exactly what and who I’m talking about.”

Tears began to slide down her cheek. “I didn’t mean too.” She managed to whisper.

“Huh, what was that? I didn’t quite catch what you said.” Her reflection mocked.

More tears rolled down their eyes. Only one seemed to grow more hysterical as they came. “I didn’t mean too!” she managed to sob out.

“He was only trying to help you, but no you couldn’t take it anymore. You got mad at him like you did at the rest of the world, and dashed out. Then you tried to commit suicide, and you thought he would just sit there and watch you die. Of course, you thought wrong. The second you jumped in front of a car was a second to early. Next thing you know you’re barely conscience with our dead lover on the street surrounded by a pool of blood. I told you he was only trying to help you. You didn’t have to run off like that. He loved you. He actually loved you for you. He wasn’t that jerk you dated and “loved with all your heart,” who only wanted you for the “fun.” Hn. How could you live with yourself?

“SHUT UP!” The girl was sobbing, but her reflection looked calm but still had tears streaming down her face. “You’re just a reflection. You don’t know anything! Not the pain, the guilt, or the crap I’ve been through. Don’t act like you know everything because you know nothing about me at all. You’re just a stupid reflection. You don’t know what it was to actually see my best friend, deny no more, my one true love dead. The only one who understood me and can stand me. You’re just a reflection. I’m just imaging and hearing things. You’re just a reflection. Just a reflection.” She whispered the last part repeatedly to herself.

“Psh! I’m more than honey. I’m what you call a conscience. You know that voice you kept ignoring and forgetting about. That thing you ditched about five months ago. Miss me? All I could say is I told you so. I know right now you can’t handle hearing the truth. Having what you built, layers and layers of walls, to avoid crumble in seconds right before your very eyes. Thought you could go through life without me, huh? Mhm, because you so got far didn’t you? What happened to your friends? Because that little razor you’re looking for isn’t one. What happened to your dreams of being a singer or a famous painter? Down the toilet, right? You could have gotten somewhere if you haven’t ditched me.

“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up, damn it just shut up!”

“The phrase never gets old.”

“Go away.”

“Got any new methods for making me? Because drowning me out with music, alcohol, drugs, and bleeding only led you to this crazy-like hallucination.”

The girl was shaking from all the violent tears spilling out.

“You’re not you anymore. What happened when you never had a care in the world? All this because a stupid boy. If you only listened to me, in the first place none of this would be happening. I told you that guy was nothing but a player, but no you were blinded by love because some popular guy noticed you. I told you to say no. I told you to stay away from him. I told you it wasn’t love. I told you the boy who was by your side almost every day was going to be the one. Then you got your heart broken, deprived yourself from humanity, and cause nothing but pain to the both of us.”

She had enough and left the bathroom. Shaking all over, she carefully stepped over the shattered glass getting towards her dresser. She opened it slowly, shuffled her clothes around to find what she was looking for. Successfully, she found it and walked back into the bathroom.

“I wouldn’t do that,” her reflection said.

“Shut up!”

“Listen to me! We can fix up your life if you just fucking listen to me!”

“Damn it! Shut up!”

“No, I’m trying to help you here!”

“I don’t need or care about your help!” She yelled back while pointing the gun towards the mirror.

“Stupid! Why won’t you listen to me?”

“You can’t help me with anything. You don’t know anything!”

“Don’t you dare pull that trigger!”

“I never listened to you, so why start now?”

As the girl pulled the trigger, her world began to slow down. The pieces of glass flew everywhere, seeing her reflection repeatedly. Some shards pierced her skin. Blood poured out from the open wounds. She dropped to her knees, cutting more skin open as she fell. With time passing, her eyesight began to slowly diminish. No one could save her now. She then picked up a piece of glass within her reach, looked at her reflection one last time, and with a quick breath she stabbed herself in the heart.

Sobriety

 

SobrietyTheres none like it
just try it
i’ve learned to live
by it.

Fuck that
I’d die.

Then be sad, low,
but I know what you don’t know.
I know where to not go.
And I’ll show you
the best road.

Live against and
fuck it
without the right
substance.

For real doesn’t equate
you’ll feel your feelings run with hate.
Its kind of hard to explain
such a meaningful thing.
But
Ive been having this dream
we’ve mutual enemies
that made a man out of me and
its all I can see.
Sobriety.

67 THINGS TO DO WHILLE UNEMPLOYED

67 THINGS TO DO WHILE YOUR UNEMPLOYED

1. File for Unemployment
2. Get denied for unemployment
3. Go to court and fight for your rights.
4. Win your case!
5. Figure out how to live off of Unemployment.
6. Be shocked by rumors that Congress denied Unemployment benefits.
7. Figure out what station CNN is on.
8. Watch CNN everyday to see if Congress approved Extended Unemployment benefits.
9. See if CNN has an iPhone App.
10. Cell phone battery dies while loading Grocery Coupons App.
11. Realize it didn’t die…service is shut-off.
12. Hope the gas and lights fairy made a visit while you were gone.
13. Make up excuses why you lost your job to family and friends.
14. Downsized??? Sounds good.
15. Bore your friends the latest Dr. Oz warnings.
16. Spend your 401k on Alternative Medicine (COBRA ran out).
17. Cry because friends keep asking you if you got a job yet.
18. Cry because EVERYONE has stop asking.
19. Cry because those you thought were friends are now enemies of the State.
20. Cry because coworkers no longer call you.
21. Stop crying and get made cuz your boyfriend wants more sex.
22. Cry, cringe and throw-up in your mouth…only a little bit, when asked, “Can you baby-sit?”
23. Try to remember, he wants to “Talk” later. Note to self: a little head goes a long way.
24. Cry again because you’re drenched in sweat and don’t know why.
25. Cry because you think you’re pregnant.
26. Stop mid-tear because you haven’t had sex in months.
27. Accept the onset of menopause.
28. Cry hysterically.
29. Laugh uncontrollably.
30. Wonder what you were angry about earlier.
31. Make an appointment at the Welfare Office that you used to drive pass everyday on your way to work.
32. Note to self: Didn’t even know it was there!
33. Wear a hat the day of your appointment.
34. Sans contact lens!
35. Recognize a former coworker who didn’t give you the time of day, standing in-line in front of you.
36. Dam….she wins again!
37. See another former coworker who wasted your time with new baby milestones and vacation photos.
38. Silently wonder where is his wife?
39. Remember she left him shortly after the Christmas party.
40. Remember that he was the only one surprised.
41. Recognize the person you fired 2 years ago is assigned to your case.
42. Turn to tell the person behind you, to go ahead in front of you.
43. Recognize he is Ex-boyfriend.
44. Pretend you don’t know him.
45. Start to sweat…again, you don’t know why.
46. Why is it so dam HOT in here!!
47. Fight back tears.
48. Eyeliner smeared.
49. Get distracted by the number of crying babies.
50. Get annoyed by the number of folks not pissed about it!
51. Start to feel sick because, as luck would have it, the person you fired is STILL your caseworker.
52. Recognize her smirk as the same one you gave her on the day you terminated her.
53. Gather up your paperwork…mid-sentence, as she tells you that you don’t qualify for assistance.
54. Become very annoyed, as she answers her cell phone.
55. As you walk-away, tail between legs, overhear her say, “Girl you won’t believe who just crawled out of here!”
56. Pass your Ex again, on your way out…
57. You remember, the same one you said wouldn’t amount to anything…with or without you?
58. Take notice that the age of his child-in-tow overlaps the dramatic- years.
59. Wow, baby looks just like HIS EX.
60. Drive back home.
61. Glassy-eyed…
62. Shallow breath.
63. Wonder, one more time…”WTF?”
64. Crank-up the radio, “I’m a Loser Baby” by Beck.
65. Nod your head as lips quiver and sing along, as you grip the steering wheel.
66. There, as I sit at the cross-roads of “..You can get with this…or you can get with that” a pigeon shits dead center of windshield. Worn wiper-blades smear it’s answer from the universe…corner to corner. End to end.
67. I’m out of windshield wiper fluid.

Sad Sam

SAD SAM
by D. Hassen

I’VE BEEN SIT’TIN BY THE RIVER
MY HEAD A HANG’IN LOW
VERY TIRED AND WEARY
CAUSE I HAVEN’T ANY DOUGH.
THE STARS ARE NOT A TWINKL’IN
CAUSE A STORM IS COMIN ROUND
THE GROUND IS PLENTY DIRTY

I’LL BE SLEEP’IN ON THE MOUND
THE TREES ALONG THE SIDE OF ME
ARE COVERED DENSE WITH ICE
THE WIFE, THE KIDS, THE DOG AND CAT
HAVE LEFT THIS SAD MAN TWICE
I SAW OUR FUTURE DOWN THE ROAD
WHEN WE TOASTED MAN TO WIFE
WHO KNEW IT WOULD BE CUT SO SHORT
FROM ALCOHOLIC STRIFE
NOW THE CLOUDS ARE POURIN RAIN REAL HARD
DOWN ON MY SLEEPY HEAD
I FEEL MY DAYS ARE NUMBERED
I GUESS I’LL SOON BE DEAD.

is it possible to give yourself completely to another, forever and ever.
to miss someone, even when they’re right next to you.
can someone really accept another, flaws and all with open arms. or is it, we ache for that acceptance and desire to never be alone.
is it possible to never ever hurt the one you love, or at least, not intentionally?
or maybe it hurts the most from them, because of that  powerful love you possess for them. Full Story

Play

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Mourner’s Kaddish

“Yitgadal v’yitgadash sh’me raba…”


The flowing Aramaic billows out over the cemetery with an eerie resonance, long remembered rote coming out, the meaning engraved at untold depths in our minds. Someone cries, a piercing shriek of a sob that stabs through the overcast clouds and the fog of my mind, makes me shake and look down in a pitiful pantomime of sympathy, something I should be able to express directly to his family. Full Story

Rum Raisin

So we’re sitting with the coffees, watching the rain and staring forward, perched on this side wall with its orange crumbly footholds.  Fog comes up from the valley this time of year and you can really get lost in yourself, even with company, and I guess that’s why we’re out so long tonight; sometimes you just need to sort it all out without words, even if your parka soaks through.  Kris sits with his back to the wind.  My somber buffer, he absorbs the grace of a massive weeping willow who bows in the weight of icicled branches which creak and clink against each other in dull crystallized    timpani .  Frost came quick this year and in its wake an icy rainstorm leaving tundra’d  heaps where clump grass used to lie and freezing the coy pond of our youth.  I huddle against the red vinyl rock which is Kris and he brushes the wind strewn hair out of my eyes with his gloved hand.  We sit and evolve.

Full Story

Play

Podcast: Play in new window | Download