Maternal Matters

I came home after midnight one January day. I shivered as I stepped out of the car; it was quite cool for the middle of summer. I would have come back a lot earlier but I knew she would have been there. She was always there whenever dad was (which wasn’t very often those days). Dinners were awkward and everyone was in a rush to eat and get away to their own sanctuaries, far away from the two of them. My music helped to drown out their chatter and giggling that ran on into the night.

She had been scrutinised right from the start of their relationship, and sometimes that made me feel sorry for her, and sorry for dad, who was constantly trying to change our opinions of her by giving us his own. But his infatuation offended me. Within several months, this woman had changed his entire life, and mine had shifted uneasily as a result. He joined a gym not long after that, which he would have normally dismissed as a waste of money, and he began buying organic food from the farmer’s market. We even had to buy a different brand of salt.

My siblings and I gossiped about her behind her back, and sometimes I thought the two of them did the same when we weren’t around. I only spoke to her when I was in a good mood. She seemed to know enough about my life without me even saying a word. I felt betrayed when dad showed her pictures of when I was a baby.

One day, my dad and I were driving back from the hardware store in silence when he struck up a conversation.

“What do you think about moving closer to the city?” I had heard my grandma warn me that he wanted to move houses to live with her but I didn’t believe it. Now that I heard it first-hand, I knew that this was going to happen whether I liked it or not. He was always a very impatient man. I inherited that trait from him. I wound down the window of the old Ford and let the wind rush violently in, chopping up the sound of the radio.

He spent the remainder of the trip home trying to convince me that moving would be beneficial for me and for everyone else. I wasn’t keen on moving away from the place I had grown up in and my grandma had already mentioned that she would not move with us, and would rather move in the opposite direction and live with her sisters in their country house. The move would also mean that I would be half an hour’s drive from my girlfriend of three years, which was a definite deal-breaker. I gave him a flat “no”, and the conversation ended as swiftly as the slamming shut of the car doors.

He didn’t have the guts to bring it up again in front of the others. I would tell them secretly later so that we could conspire together, but deep down I knew that it was hopeless. We had no say in the matter.

***

The air was chilled but not as cold as a regular June morning. The darkness was so complete that if one was not accustomed to the regular rising of the sun, he might not believe in its existence. It was almost 6.30.  I both accepted and rejected my father’s call, knowing that I would be late if I fell back into my blissful coma. He did not stay in the corridor to make sure that I was coming. I was 15 years old and he trusted me.

My brother was first, and I soon followed, trudging downstairs in my dressing gown to the kitchen. The lights were on and the heater wasn’t. I was never the morning person. And it would be a while before my body felt the desire to eat anything more than a few forced spoons of cereal. My father on the other hand handled mornings well, and so it was a bit unusual to see him looking so exhausted and dejected.

We all sat at the table. My brother and I ate our small food slowly and I assumed that my father had already eaten his. He sat there at the end of the table, unlike his usual spot, positioning himself as far away from us as possible. Since I started high school, I never ate breakfast with him any longer as he left for work before I woke up in the morning. I missed it. But he was always good to us.

“I have something to tell you both,” he said solemnly, and I knew straight away what he would say. My mother had been sick for the past few years. The doctors said that she had to take new drugs again about a week ago. We were all getting desperate. She had accepted her fate long ago, even before she was seriously ill. We joked about it sometimes. She was perhaps wiser than I thought, and maybe I was too naïve. Often she would say that she was going to die as if it didn’t matter. It did matter, and it made me upset that she didn’t care about her life as much as I did. Apart from when she was in the hospital, we spent a lot of time together since there was no way that she could work in her condition. We watched daytime movies during the school holidays and I listened attentively as she told me stories of her childhood experiences as a poor girl living in Milan.

“I got a call from the nurse at about 3, and she’s gone.” The last few words had extra weight on them, but he didn’t cry. I didn’t have the heart to look at him for a moment, or anyone at the table for that matter. I thought that now I wouldn’t have to play soccer but quickly shunted away those thoughts, feeling ashamed at myself. When I finally looked up from my cereal, which would surely not be eaten now, I found my father’s eyes. He looked uneasy, like a toddler left in a group of big people. I struggled to find something to say.

“Now what do we do?”

“Well I still have to tell your grandma and your sister. Then we’ll go to the hospital.” My grandma lived had lived with us for as long as I could remember. I knew that she had her own house when I was little but it continued to escape my memory. I could not decide who I felt most sorry for: her or my sister. But I did not feel sorry for myself.

It took a while for my father to build up enough strength to make it back up the stairs, and I still remember the wailing and crying from both rooms as he delivered the news. I admired him for that. And I hoped that I would never be admired in the same way.

I don’t remember much else from that morning. We all put on warm clothes and made the trip to the hospital. No words were said in the 40 minutes it took to get there from my house. No one cried either. I hate when people cry.

We were greeted by sympathetic people with practiced faces and reassuring gestures. Maybe these people understood what it was like to lose a loved one, but at the same time, no one could possibly understand. They led us to her room. We all knew the way by heart. I didn’t want to go in, but my feet led me, and I didn’t have the mental strength to stop them.

Her face was white and her body was covered with the bed sheets she slept in. Apart from the colour and the vacant appearance, she could have been asleep. She would often stay in bed well into the morning, and sometimes the afternoon reading books. That was her passion. My grandma would get annoyed because she didn’t help out enough with the cooking and cleaning, but the rest of the family loved reading too. I left the room. The family would all come soon.

The sun was starting to come up from behind the houses on the horizon. I felt like I was living in Alaska, even though I had never been there and had only seen the place in movies and pictures in National Geographic. I wanted to buy a coffee. I didn’t drink coffee, but I always assumed that when I was older I would drink it. I used to watch my uncle make glass after glass every night, until the early hours of the morning. He lived with us until a few years ago, and I idolised him sometimes more than I did my own father, even though I knew that I never wanted to be like him.

People slowly came throughout the day. One hour, no one came, but then next, more people came than could be handled and some had to wait outside in the TV room. This is where I spent most of the time with a few of my cousins. It didn’t matter what was on the TV, and not much was spoken, but they reassured me. I was disappointed when dad said that they weren’t going to come over to our place after when we left, but I didn’t complain. I was merely looking for an excuse to put aside my thoughts for another day or so.

Over the next few days, we received many calls and visits from friends and other family members, as well as some of the same ones that came to the hospital. Within a few days, we had more food than we could possibly eat and a shortage of vases for all the flowers we received. I walked into the kitchen one day to see all the flowers and cards arranged messily on a table, and I decided to arrange them properly. I had never cried so much in my life.

***

I sat on the veranda with my wife of four years, and the smell of fresh paint and cut grass filled our nostrils, carried by the warm northerly breeze. We loved the summertime, and this was the first time we were able to enjoy it in the new house. The heat had a soothing effect, and the kids were fast asleep inside.

I thought back on all the difficult times we had endured together. She had been there from before the beginning, when my mother passed away and still when my dad remarried and we moved away. I remember how we wept, and held each other in a loud kind of silence. We never needed words to explain. We could tell an entire story with an embrace.

Tonight we would visit my dad. We went every Thursday. The boys loved seeing their grandparents. The house had none of the sentiments from my childhood, but I liked to think that it would carry theirs.

A New Article About Things and Stuff! Or Whatever

Here’s something that may surprise you: I still have a job. That’s right, a real job where they pay me to…well, sit in a chair and mess around on a computer most of the day. Shocking revelations will unfold before your very viewing organs on this digital page of gathered pixels. Witness a testament to the will of one man struggling through adulthood in an aging and violent society. Let’s begin.

You see, I’ve had this same job for nearly two years now. Two entire fucking years. That’s a lot of days and even more minutes of legitimately half-assed work I’ve done. Though now my job feels a lot like this: I’m a very attractive woman living in a bustling metropolis filled to the brim with opportunity. I’ve been in a committed relationship with the same guy for quite some time now. He sits around most of the time and really isn’t going anywhere in life. He’s not a bad guy, I just don’t find him physically or emotionally attractive anymore. Yet I can’t find the way to break out of this dead-end relationship. So I let him fuck me. I lie there motionless while he fucks me. No expression, no pleasure. Just emotionless fucking. You know how many times I’ve let this guy fuck me while I’ve contemplated greener pastures?
Yeah, that’s my job. I just let it fuck me even though I’m sure I could do better.

This realization, along with the realization that I just don’t have the energy or drive to play in a band anymore, has led me to this: Now that I’m 30, working a dead-end job, and have no direction in life, it seems about time I start making incoherent and poorly edited videos on the internet. Fantastic! (By the way, this isn’t a joke; I’m actually doing this.) It all really started with my absolute need to express myself through artistic creativity. I literally go bat-shit insane if I’m not making, writing, or creating something idiotic that no one will ever give a shit about. So I had the idea that I’d write a script for a feature length film and I’d follow through on it if it fucking murdered me with a venom-laced ninja sword. Well, I wrote the script. I was actually quite happy with it. Happy enough to go through it with a fine-toothed comb and completely rewrite the damned thing all over again. So here on the second draft, I hit another brick wall and another realization: Uhhh…I need a budget.

Fast forward about six minutes and I’m making a phone call to a movie-buff old pal of mine. He likes the idea and wants to work on it with me. Fast forward a few days and nineteen cups of coffee (please imagine Wayne and Garth making the DOODLE-EE-DOO noise here) and we come to a few conclusions: Number one; no one in their right mind with any expendable income would be willing to give us money for anything. Number two; we’re fucking thirty and should have careers and families. Number three; we’re musicians, not screen-writers. Number four; who gives a flying kangaroo’s dick about any of the above? We sure as shit don’t. I mean, look at us; if we gave a shit about appearances would we be in a Starbucks drinking large mocha frappucinos with extra whip cream wearing a t-shirt that says, “The Legend of Zelda” on it?

We eventually reach the conclusion that we should make internet videos. You know, the funny ones that people watch. Eventually, through tons of videos and some gained popularity, we may be able to start up a “kickstarter” and people would pledge the money to fund our horror film. Well, we’re at that place now. We just released our first video and I have no goddamned idea of how to promote it. To be honest, it isn’t very good, but I imagine we’ll get better after a few decades. So I came to the only place I’ve ever been accepted for what I…do? Here, at mymorningstory.com, I’ve received some great feedback (and read some great material from other, more talented writers). In a perfect world, someone would pay me to put words on a page. If they did pay me to do that though, I’m sure I’d just type words at random and hope it made some sort of sense by the end.
Like so: donkey rocket launcher, winged icicles of uranus brandishing three broadswords in hell.
So I guess that doesn’t really work too well. Point is, life doesn’t turn out the way you expect it to and you have to make adjustments. My adjustments just happen to be really stupid. So thanks to all of you for supporting my stupid writing and I’d like to share with you my latest creations. Here, you can finally see who I really am; a fat and aging wanker with too much shit running through his brain.

Here’s a bonus two-for-one special! Watch me babble incoherently at great length!

Captivating Night

Captivating Night

By: Joan Paula S. Quinabo  [written12-7-01
—
5-25-03
]

a.k.a. Hena-3libras

(This is a true story about me and my friends back when I still go to High School. What we’ve been through during that one night in the church was something that I want to remember always…It’s a moment that only lasted for about 18 hours, but every minute of it tells me a different story. Many people are involved in here…I can no further make it long, for I don’t really remember everything…I just focused on the things that happened that night that I think would really matter the most…Like the fact that friendship lasts…and no matter what, we can never hide from the truth. The next days that followed after that one night go on in here…and the story ends in a message for him…)

PROLOGUE

The blinking never stopped… But it’s not like I’m going to cry. My eyes hurt, but crying is not the only reason why they do…

I can’t stop thinking about this guy from school… I don’t even know why I like him so much. Whenever I think about him, I see his face in other people’s heads. As if he was really there… There’s something about him that makes me stay awake all night, and lie in the darkness like there’s no tomorrow. I speak of him like I knew him pretty well, but my own judgements can deceive me… Maybe I was in love.

Maybe that’s why I’m panicking whenever I run into him in the halls everyday…

Maybe that’s why I have nothing to say whenever he turns my way like he wants to talk. Maybe…

I need to be awake.

My emotions are as disorganised as my room. Knowing me, there’s really nothing there when you first look. But when you look close enough through the loops, you’ll see my world… The kind of world I live in which I pretty much like to hide. Still, everybody will always be welcome…

I’m just a girl. And I make mistakes…

Sometimes, I make mistakes but when you look at it, it doesn’t really seem like a mistake at all…

Maybe just a misunderstanding. Like what I’m in right now.

It all started in that one night… When I think about this one guy from school, and my mind levitates because he’s a crime I can’t solve.

It was a lonely night, and I don’t know where to go. My instinct tells me I should just go with the night’s flow and be with someone… And that’s what I exactly did. I didn’t really think about the consequences. But obviously it’s not what I’ve expected… Not at all…

Because by that time, I didn’t really know I would fall in love for sure… especially with my friend…

*****

October 5, 2001

Friday

“Hey wake up!” a male voice whispered in my ear.

I, Joan Quinabo, cracked an eye open, and saw Jeffrey Ruivivar’s kind eyes staring back at mine. I closed my eye again and yawned. Lifting my wrist, I sighed. “It’s almost time to go home, what’s your problem?” I asked, stretching my arms over my head as I blinked a couple of times to clear my vision. Jeff stood up and grinned. I couldn’t help but wonder how long he’d been there by my side while I napped…I slept all through Trigonometry, and since it’s a Friday, we’ll be having an extra period next, which is RHGP or Homeroom in other schools…

We’re studying in SISRA Meycauayan, Bulacan.

I don’t get much sleep at night at home ‘because I never get comfortable, but in school it’s pretty much a hobby since we barely do anything.

Lifting my head, I realized my Trigonometry teacher has already left. Ms. German, our new adviser stood at the front of the room and was already halfway through a copy of a waiver she was writing on the blackboard.

That’s when I remembered the trip to the DivineMercyChurchin Marilao where we’re supposed to have a Recollection for tomorrow.

Smiling a little, I dug out my notebook out of my bag and started hunting down my pen.

“Can you write me a copy of one of those waivers? I need to show them to my parents.” Jeff was saying as I started to write.

I nodded without thinking, trying hard not to laugh at the wrong grammars written on the board. Jeff turned to talk to someone else as I finished quickly, thinking about Inderjeet Pabla. He’s fromIndia.

I’ve been having a major crush on him ever since we first met… My Social Studies teacher, Mr. Cudia, introduced me to him and I have to run for it before he got the chance to say anything because I was so embarrassed.

He was staring at me like he likes me already, and I didn’t have the guts to stay and make conversation because I got so tongue-tied. He was really good-looking, for a Hindu that is… A lot of people from school keeps telling me we actually look alike and that we’ll look great together. But I don’t really think he’d be suited with someone like me… You can say I don’t have much faith in myself, for I’ve been falling in and out of love four times already in all my fifteen years. In other words, I no longer trust myself when it comes to the opposite sex. That’s why I never get to talk to him again since the last time we run into each other…And he didn’t even say much but yes and thanks…

I couldn’t help it though… I want to try and talk to him again. Maybe make friends? After all, he’s new at school… He barely understands everybody ‘because it’s a different culture. It wouldn’t be so bad if I try to make him feel like he’ll fit in… But what if I just make a fool out of myself in front of him? I don’t want to look like I’m trying to flirt with him or something. What if I look at him and he’ll see in my eyes how much I really like him? Like the crush-infected idiot that I was?

Shaking my head, I grabbed a copy of the letter I’ve written carefully for Jeff and stood up to ask permission to go to the Molecule’s room. In our school different batches have different sections. I’m a junior in High School, and my class is the Atom. Jeff’s not really my classmate… He’s a Molecule, but everybody’s welcome to come to class as long as they’re not there to tear the place apart. And while I was half-daydreaming about Inderjeet, half writing the copy, I’ve realized he’d left the room and maybe went back to his own. It wasn’t that far though…just one room away…

I walked down the hall and immediately spotted my other friend, Ian Basilan, standing by the door of their classroom, probably waiting for the stupid bell to ring. He’s in Jeff’s class and even if he just broke up with one of my girlfriends, we’re still great friends… Sometimes, you have to listen to both sides so you’ll understand where to stand, because it’s pretty hard to get along with two people while they were fighting.

Especially if they were both your friends… Right now we’re all okay though.

And there’s really nothing much to expect but the change.

Ian spotted me almost at the same time I spotted him, and he smiled.

“Hi Joan!”

“Hello…where’s Jeff?” I smiled back, trying to look past him in their room. The class was making a lot of noise as usual, and I couldn’t see a teacher anywhere.

Ian followed my gaze around the room and started yelling Jeff’s name. A second later he came out of nowhere and gave me a questioning look.

Shrugging a little, I handed him the letter. “I’m sorry about the small penmanship. I’ll see you tomorrow then…” I said automatically, giving him a small wave as I turned to walk back to our room.

“Hey!” he called back over my shoulder.

I turned my head without stopping. “Hmmm?”

“Thanks…” he grinned, lifting the piece of paper. I nodded and turned back toward my class and started packing my stuff. Soon I’m going to see Inderjeet again…Every time the bell rings I know where to find him. Since Sir Cudia is tutoring him, they always stay at my old classroom when I was in freshman high school. The one you can’t miss when you walk through the only entrance and exit of the school… Only one door down to the Principal’s Office.

But every time I see him I never really got to talk… What the heck am I supposed to say in the first place anyway?

“Mama? Do you want to go with me? I’ll be packing for tomorrow…” I said excitedly to my friend, K2 Acosta. My friends and I call every single girlfriend our mama… I don’t exactly remember how it started, but we kind of got used to it.

K2frowned at me. “You knew I can’t come. I don’t even have enough money for fare.”

“Geez! I forgot! Wanna borrow mine?” I said. She nodded and I handed her ten bucks. She and the others followed me out the room as the distant bell rang in our ears.

“But you’ll come tomorrow won’t you? What are you planning to wear anyways?”

K2nodded again. “Anything blue will do.”

“Ookay…” I sighed as we went down the stairs…

Here goes! Am I going to see him? Will I look at him?

I couldn’t help but calm myself a little as I gave my friend Divine Malapote a hand on her wheelchair.  I saw him already even before we got all the way down the stairs… Almost immediately my nerves started dancing.

I wonder why I get so melodramatic around guys I like…

“Thanks! Gosh I might have a load of chores when I get home again. Do you think they loaded the sink again? I’ve already done our project in chemistry by the way.” Divine went on and on as I tried to focus myself on something else. It’s a good thing she talks a lot… I could find myself a little distraction. Maybe tomorrow at the Recollection I could hang with her so it’ll help me forget Inderjeet even for just a little while…

That’s when I remembered she wasn’t allowed to go because she’s in a wheelchair.

“This sucks. I wish you can go with me tomorrow.” I said without thinking, my face falling.

Divine looked at me. “Yeah, me too. But you don’t have to worry. You’ll be able to find the right distraction when you know where to find it tomorrow.” she teased.

Something about what she said threw me though… But I just laughed like there’s really something there to laugh about… I never really thought about what she really meant. When I found out though, it was too late…

*     *     *

At home in Pineville, Lawa, my sister and I were gathering my stuff by the garage the next day.

“What time is it?” I asked that afternoon as I prepared my stuff. My sister shrugged and nodded at my wristwatch. I laughed and grabbed my pack.

“Let’s go?”

“Where are you going? Are you planning on climbing a mountain? What are all these stuff for?” she asked sceptically, prodding my mini-suitcase w/ my entire extra clothes and underwear.

“Um, my clothes?” I said nonchalantly. I really don’t get her point. I’ll be gone for one night and I’m pretty sure my packing would be enough for three days.

She knew I always pack like that.

Grabbing the suitcase, she pulled a couple of shirts and underwear away from it before taking the whole stuff and stuffing them in my paper bag.

“Okay, okay…I get it.” I sighed, grabbing the empty suitcase and extra clothes and dragging them back inside the house. I have to remember fetching two of my classmates in Daungan before going straight to school that afternoon…we agreed in going together.

Remembering Wheezy, my stuffed animal, I grabbed him and stuffed him over all my clothes on the paper bag.

My sister rolled her eyes before following me out the sun as I raised an arm to flag down a tricycle.

A couple of minutes later we were walking down a narrow street towards my friends’ houses.  I felt a little weird with all the bags around my feet…

I’m glad my sister decided to go with me.

“I can’t believe you’re bringing all of these…” she kept saying irritably as she carried my backpack. I gave her a look and started knocking at Genaida Evangelista’s screen door.

“Gen?” I asked when I glimpsed a uniformed figure sitting a couple of feet away from the door.

Gen stood up and opened the door for me. A smile spread on her kind face when she saw my sister and me.

“Hey! How are you? You’re here already! My mom’s still cooking my dinner. Would you like to wait outside or come in and get something to drink while waiting? ” she said, raising her eyebrows.

Remembering Agie Sison, my other friend, I smiled at Gen and asked if she’d seen her.

“I think her parents left earlier. But she’s definitely there with her siblings. Was she really allowed to go??”

I bit my lip. “I’m not sure. I wasn’t there during that day when she asked for permission to go. Can I go see her?” I said, shifting my bags. Gen nodded okay and I turned to my sister. “See you later!” I nodded briefly before turning in the direction of Agie’s house on the next corner.

“Hurry, will you?” my sister shouted after me. I rolled my eyes.

“Yeah, yeah…”

I imagined Inderjeet laughing at this kind of situation… He’s got a very exotic smile. Yesterday he was looking at me expectantly as if he wants to say hi…and again I’ve got to run for it. I have to avoid his eyes as I walked past him because I’ve no idea what to say…

I know he understands Tagalog, but not that well.

I nearly walked past Agie’s house when I got there. Immediately the noise distracted me.

They’re playing the play station.

“Hello Agie!” I called, sticking my head through the tiny gate. Their open door showed her sitting cross-legged on the floor with her brothers and sisters.

Agie turned and stood up when she saw me. She looked like she just crawled out of bed with a mighty fight with the covers…

“You don’t look…”

“My mom’s not here yet. She left. I’m only allowed to leave once she gets back.”

“…ready.” I finished slowly, goggling at her.

“I haven’t even taken a bath yet…” she laughed. “What if I just don’t go with you?”

I frowned. “No way! You’re going! Even if it means I have to be the one to pay for your food I will, as long as you’re going!”

How am I supposed to distract myself without her? We’re going to have a recollection and I can’t imagine my closest friend not being there.

Agie blinked. “Ok. I’ll try. You go ahead first. I’ll just catch up with you guys as soon as my mom arrives.” She said.

I smiled. “I’ll wait for you in front of the lugawan okay?” I said, indicating the front of the school’s campus.  The San Isidro San Roque Academy front lugawan.

“If I don’t arrive on time, it means I’m not coming at all alright mama?”

I nodded. “Ok. I’ll see you later. I gotta get going.”

My sister was scowling when I got back at her side outside Gen’s house.

“Gosh, don’t tell me she’s not coming.” She muttered when I got close.  I scowled back at her at the sight of all my bags lying on the ground.

Bending over, I hauled them by the counter at the front of Gen’s house.

“What’s your problem? You’re wasting all your excess body fats!” I complained, ignoring her comment.

She scowled then turned, as if to walk away. I sighed, leaning against the wooden wall. Later we were inside Gen’s house, waiting while she packed her food. I was wondering whether Agie could make it or not. I thought about my own food and wondered if I could eat it all on my own…

When we’re out the streets again we piled our stuff on a tricycle and I climbed at the back of the driver’s motorcycle.

We were breezing towards school when I remembered Apple Miramontes, my classmate and friend. She hasn’t talked to me yet. And I don’t even understand the real reason why. She just quit talking to me one day…

She’s the first one I’ve noticed when we arrive in front of the school campus though. The Lugawan.

She caught my eye, but I looked away immediately as I went down to gather my stuff. We settled on their table and everyone reacted all at once when they saw us.

Caroline Padua, my classmate, pointed out Wheezy and I said I might need a pillow.

I was laughing when I turned and caught Apple smiling back at me.

“You brought a lot of food didn’t you?” she asked softly.

“Yeah…” I replied, shocked. But it didn’t last long. It didn’t seem to matter… Later we were talking like nothing ever happened.

My sister was getting bored because we were all more than late and still the jeep’s not there to take us to Marilao yet.

I turned my back on the table and let my eyes wander across the street when Jeff appeared with my classmate Brian Balagtas right behind him. They came from the direction of the road out the highway and were both carrying their own packs.

That’s when I’ve noticed that I carry the most luggages among all of us.

Grinning, I nodded my head in his direction and Jeff grinned back. I was just about to wave when my sister asked me who he is, and then my teacher came.

Ms. Leony German beckoned us to come to her and everybody stood.

She gave us instructions then while waiting, I introduced her to my sister. Later I was introducing everybody. Including Jeff…

That’s when Agie came…

I didn’t notice my sister talking to Jeff about anything, because Agie caught my attention and I ran straight towards her. We were jumping around and laughing about her hurried packing with her underwear on top of all her stuff that I didn’t even realized my sister was having a deal with my friend, Jeff.

It was weeks after that faithful night when I found out what she’d said…

“Take care of my sister okay? Don’t turn your back on her…”

*     *     *

The jeepney arrived about half an hour later, and already only half of us could fit in. I was dragging my bags when my sister bid us goodbye when all the girls started boarding it. My backpack straps were already digging into my shoulders and I cringed.

Taking a deep breath, I heaved the other bag with my clothing by the first step and looked up when a pair of dark arms reached out to take it from me.

It was Jeff.

“Hello Joan. Sit beside me!” he invited, smiling gently. There’s something about his smile that I couldn’t quite point out…  Before I knew it I was sitting right beside him and our legs touched. He felt so warm right beside me, and all the girls across the seat were staring…

He gave me that mysterious smile again, and I smiled back.

I was just wondering what am I supposed to say next when Raizza Rubio, one of my classmates, asked if she could swap seats with me because she wanted to sit right next to Tracy Santos, her old boyfriend who was on my other side. I was agreeing before I even realized what I was doing. It was almost like I was not myself.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Jeff’s face darkened and he turned his face at the doorway of the jeep.

He doesn’t seem to like Raizza a lot, but I barely paid attention.

When we started moving, I ripped my bag open right next to Agie and pulled out two bags of chips. We wolfed it down, passing the bags around.

Slowly, the sky turned black and we exchanged various topics. Jeff and I talked across each other anyway and exchanged jokes. I was wondering how far we’ve been when the jeepney pulled over a huge old-looking church.

Jeff insisted on carrying my backpack for me when we piled out of the jeep…

I was awed at what I saw, and we all looked up to stare at the big building. I’d forgotten all about Jeff having my other bag as Agie and I walked around the building to find that the floor on its sides swooped straight downwards towards a bigger backyard in which another altar was made and a mass was taking place.

We felt like total aliens as we walked by, clad in SISRA uniforms with bags and funny looks on our faces. People all around us turned to look…

It was nearly full and we ended up taking the seats by the benches at the far side, right in front of a small chapel where the candles stood, flaming in the darkness and casting shadows about.

Fixing our stuff, the others started grabbing for some clothes to change in and immediately looked for the bathrooms.

I got sort of annoyed whenK2went for my headphones and ran off with them. Drinking some water, I handed it to Agie and tried to pay attention to the mass.

When I looked up, Jeff’s dark form was right in front of me and I saw my backpack on the seat right beside him. I didn’t bother to say anything until the mass was over because our teacher’s already glaring at us.

When it did, Jeff was the first one to talk though. He asked me if I have some water.

I have a big bottle with me, but by the time he asked it’s already way past half full.

He drank most of it and offered to refill it, disappearing in the dark.

Agie and I went to change in the girls’ bathroom later. It was right behind an eatery, and we have to walk up a steep road back to our stuff because it swooped right down to another level of ground. Beyond it was a gate with bob wires on top that would lead to another patch of earth going down towards a huge yard with monuments that leads to a circle. The mysteries of the rosary… So the church was a total of about three ground floors.

I was brushing my hair in a ponytail when Jeff appeared on my elbow and handed me my refilled water bottle. We exchanged that funny smile again, and he helped us gather our stuff as we looked for a better place to wait for whatever it is we were sent there to look for anyway…

That’s when I saw the tiny museum.

“Oy! What’s that?” I said without thinking, pointing out the light coming from the tiny room right beside another building, which we suspected was where the nuns sleep.

Jeff and I stood to check it out and were amazed at what we saw.

It was an artwork of some kind. A miniatureJerusalem…when Jesus was born. It had the big star at the very top that was supposed to be the sky.

“Would you look at that pig…and all those miniature humans…” I murmured, half to myself.

Jeff nodded, pressing his nose against the glass. There were cottons filled with dust that was scattered all around the box like clouds…

And inside the tiny houses were little lit bulbs that really looked like fire burning in fireplaces.

It was an amazing thing…we were enchanted by how it was made to last like that and still work.

People kept coming in and out to check it out, but none of them managed to bother Jeff and me as we started to talk later…

We were only cracking jokes about the tiny miniature animals when later, he suddenly turned to face me when we’re alone, looking me in the eye. His next question slightly startled me. And I wasn’t able to meet his eyes for a while.

“Joan, do you know anyone who likes me?” he said casually, as if he’s asking a sister.

I was surprised. I didn’t expect him to be so easy about it. Like he just asked me if there’s dirt on his face.

I didn’t have any idea what to say, so I just shrugged and joked that if he’s that desperate I might end up asking the girls in his class just in case.

We were laughing again later, standing so close side by side when Reinier Marasigan, his classmate, came in and squeezed himself right between us like a wall, pointing at the miniature pig by one of the fires.

I was barely paying attention on what he was saying when Jeff suddenly appeared on my other side and touched his arm with mine.

We looked at each other warmly and were talking again later when I noticed Reinier looking curious, so I turned away.

He left later and we followed. It was when I saw Agie and the others walking by that I realized something…

All the while that I was with Jeff, I didn’t even remember a thing about Inderjeet.

And that hasn’t happened at all for over a month already since we met.

*     *     *

“Guys? Do you want us to check out those statues by the backyard?” Agie asked us later while Jeff and I passed around my water bottle. Everyone’s thirsty and tired for various reasons…

I smiled and suddenly a group of about ten of us were already walking towards the path that swoops downward towards the huge yard.

It was already so dark that I could barely see, and every now and then I stumble on a rock or an uneven patch of soil on the ground.

I was inspecting a nearby statue of Jesus kneeling against a rock when I turned to find the others, and nearly run over Jeff. He grinned and his teeth flashed in the darkness like his eyes. I felt him take my hand in his own and he pulled me closer towards him.

“Over here! Look at this.” He said, pointing at another nearby statue of Jesus. Suddenly one of my classmates, Michael dela Cruz, passed by and snickered, eyeing our hands. He bent low then started banging his head on it.

“Hey what are you guys doing huh?” he hollered, raising an eyebrow in our direction.

The others turned to look in our direction and suddenly the air was filled with hoots and whistles.

I was embarrassed. So I let go. Jeff turned away and started walking ahead of me instead, so I walked with Cydney Lapidez, my gay friend who is Jeff’s classmate. It was a long walk back and my legs got tired, so I sat down for a while. Agie was telling me something about the night when I remembered my walkman and wondered where on earth it was.

“Who sawK2?” I muttered, looking around and craning my neck. But she wasn’t anywhere near.

Suddenly we were told that the Vigil’s about to start and we should get inside the ground church. Walking up the slopes, Jeff offered to carry my bag for me again and we walked the way together, smiling and cracking jokes again at each other.

The church was a lot prettier inside than outside on the first floor. We immediately found seats and settled down for a while. Our teachers glared at us when they saw us…

We were at the very front.

“Geez. I’m starving. Aren’t we allowed to eat yet?” I suddenly blurted out. Jeff laughed.

“I didn’t bring anything with me. Did you?”

I gave him a sideways smile and nodded towards my bag that he’s been carrying all along.

“It’s all in there.”

Jeff stood and grabbed it. “Come on let’s go downstairs to that canteen behind the bathrooms.”

Forgetting sharing my food with someone else, I followed him down the aisle. Everyone kept staring and I couldn’t help keeping pace as we took the long walk again down the long slope. When we got there though we were surprised to find several friends already having a feast.

We took the table right next to them and started unpacking my stuff.

I’ve got cookies and chocolate milk with me. It’s not much but already sort of heavy for the stomach.

We were munching away as I stared at frogs that sat around the tables. The people from the other table were cheering on us and we couldn’t help flushing all over again, not meeting each other’s eyes.

I was swallowing down a lump on my throat when Jeff suddenly barfed.

“There are loads of frogs, look. They look a bit like Kokak.” He laughed, and I nodded, indicating Sir Luis Naungayan, our fired adviser.

Looking back at Jeff, suddenly I was transfixed.

“What are you gazing at?” he asked tentatively, leaning a bit closer. I sighed.

I really wasn’t thinking about anything.

Suddenly I was telling him a story about this day back when I was about eight years old and we visited my relatives back in Tarlac…Me running into frogs. And later ate delicious lunch until my uncle told me it was one of them.

Jeff laughed again. “I didn’t know that your province is Tarlac. Me too!”

“Really?” I grinned, taking a swig on my milk bottle.

“Yep. There were times that I used to ride at the back of carabaos there as a kid…where in Tarlac does your folks used to stay?”

“In Camiling…We have trees there growing mangoes and papayas!” I said.

Later we were laughing again about his usually riding at the back of a carabao when he was younger that we didn’t notice the others leaving us… It was long before we realized we were the only ones there left.

Until the lights went out.

I gasped. “What the heck!”

Suddenly there was scrambling and two voices argued in the dark.

The lights turned back on and we caught a glimpse of a woman arguing with her husband about the light turning off.

It turns out later that the guy thought there’s nobody there left and ended up turning the lights off until his wife told him about us.

Feeling stupid, Jeff and I grabbed our stuff and started walking the way back up to the church, finishing our drinks on the way. We walked much faster and with much strength that we got there on time.

People stared as we walked past, and I looked up in time to catch Richard Dulalia’s eye as he asked me if Jeff’s my boyfriend already, and I immediately shook my head no.

“I think we’re here for other reasons…” Jeff whispered as we went to get our stuff from our seats to transfer somewhere near the back instead. And indeed he was right. This was no recollection at all…

I sat byK2for a while when I saw her screwed up face. She talked about her argument with her best friend, Ian. It turns out that she’s in love with him and he’s in love with Apple. I was barely listening, for I was looking for Jeff again suddenly. I reassured her a little then turned to look where he went and found him sitting not a couple of seats away with a small miniature chessboard on his lap at the back of the church… I’d forgotten all about my walkman.

Without thinking, I stood up and slowly walked toward him. Jeff looked up and cracked me a smile, then scooted over to give me space on his side.

I sat down and we arranged the pieces as we started a game of chess.

But I was just about to move a pawn when one of our teachers scolded us and we have to put it away.

“I think there will be singing…”

“Probably…” I murmured, letting my eyes wander.

Jeff turned to look at me. “And dancing…”

As if on cue, one of the church staff went to the very front of the altar and put a huge stereo on the socket by the wall, then walked towards a podium to put up some lyrics to a song.

Jeff sighed by my side, and as I turned to look at him I realized suddenly that he was holding my hand again.

He stared at my arm. “Your rosary is very pretty. Can I borrow it?” he asked, raising my wrist. I nodded and took it off, handing it to him. Jeff wore it then he looked at me.

“Joan…”

“What?”

Jeff sighed again. “Will you…?”

But he wasn’t able to finish whatever it is he was trying to tell me… The speaker came onstage and talked and everyone stood.

Jeff let go of my hand and obediently, grabbed the papers by the aisle and said a silent prayer for the night. People all around us bowed their heads and prayed, not even paying much attention as a band took their time setting up their instruments by the altar.

Later there was singing…

Everyone was clapping and cheering as Jeff grabbed me gently by the arm and twisted me around.

When I caught his eye, I could barely hear his question over the noise of the music…but I understood clearly…

“…dance with me?” he laughed, pulling me toward him.

I couldn’t help it…

I laughed too.

The night was not so young… It was that night when I found God without even knowing it.

…It was bliss.

*     *     *

It was later when Apple joined us and we went down the base floor to attend the Vigil.

“Look! There’s a wishing well.” Apple declared, pointing towards a well right in front of Mother Mary’s pedestal. Jeff and I walked towards it, staring down the many coins that have been thrown very far down the waters.

“Wow. That’s amazing” I muttered, looking at Jeff.

He smiled and played with the rusty metallic net over the well with his foot.

“Hey don’t do that!”

“I’m just dropping the other coins…” he said, laughing as we watched the coins that got caught against the net fall through the holes, dropping with a splash on the water.

“Now you can make wishes without having to drop a single coin.” He laughed, pulling his foot out of the round well.

“I won’t tell you what I wished for…”

“Are you done?”

“Yes.” Jeff suddenly turned around, walking back towards the benches.

I sighed and followed him.

“I’m getting really sleepy…” I whispered next to me as I sat down beside him.

“Me too…I think I’m already dreaming while awake.” Apple responded on his other side.

And I was tired. My head lolled against my neck, finding it’s way on Jeff’s shoulder. He shivered.

As I opened my eyes I saw PJ Dayag. My classmate stared and grinned at the two of us.

“Hey Joan…what does that mean, what I saw?” he was later asking me as Caroline, another classmate, handed me my pillow.

“Nothing.” I completely ignored him, looking around for Jeff. I wondered suddenly why I was looking for him. Richard, Jeff’s classmate irritably asked me if Jeff’s my new boyfriend all over again.

I have to keep calm as I turned to go.

When Jeff suddenly appeared and he waved at me. Apple stood beside him and they were both pointing towards the inside of the church under the real one.

I followed them.

Inside we prayed the vigil together with a few adults who seem to have been there for the past six hours, doing the same thing over and over.

I nearly slept on my chair, right beside Apple.

I couldn’t help thinking about the night until I realized it’s already one o’clock in the morning.

We all stood when the last amen was said, heading outside where our friends all hang.

“Joan?” Jeff asked, sounding sleepy.

“Yes?” I replied, lifting my head towards his voice.

When I did, Jeff suddenly stepped forward, taking my right hand in his left one.

“Come on let’s look for Ian and the others…” he whispered briefly, guiding me towards the stairs.

I grabbed hold of his hand and my pillow in the other, wrapping my jacket more tightly around me. The air was starting to get chilly, and I was comforted by Jeff’s warm hand against mine.

I felt people’s eyes following us as we walked the path back towards the benches…

“I wonder what they are doing upstairs…” I said to myself, but he heard me.

“Maybe they’re still singing while praying…” he replied with a brief glance at me, as if he was aware of the feeling beginning to wrap around our joined hands.

“Maybe some of them fell asleep already.” I said thoughtfully, trying to think of something else to say besides the fact that my hand seems to fit perfectly with his.

People hooted and cheered as they saw the two of us walk slowly toward the benches where Caroline, Tracy, Brian and others gathered.

Stopping every now and then to greet people, Jeff never let go of my hand. Even when Michael banged his head between us again like what he did earlier.

I held on as we walked much faster…

“Yahoo! I’m so lucky! The night of the recollection, she became my girlfriend!” Reinier cheered Jeff on as we walked past, still holding hands.

I stared up at the moon and seem to count to three with Jeff under our breaths until we reached the nearest bench, letting go of each other with one pull.

Sitting beside Caroline, I sighed.

“When will they allow us to sleep?” I murmured, suddenly aware of how far Jeff was, sitting with Tracy and Brian.

“You’re going to be okay. I’m going to sleep here. Can I borrow your pillow?” Caroline said.

I nodded and handed it to her.

“Thanks…”

I cracked a smile. Carol didn’t seem to notice though.

In the distance I could hear Jeff laughing at something Brian said. As I turned to look, I caught his eye and he smiled.

“What a night…” I murmured under my breath, looking away with a grin.

My fingers were tingling where he touched me…It was so weird.

I’ve felt like something changed…and it’s not funny or anything at all.

Just different…

I was with him the rest of the morning too…

We slept together side by side on the church, as he snored on my sheet that I’ve lent him.

He left when it’s late around three in the morning and I walked towards the benches all by myself…lying down on one. By five I was sound asleep, unaware that he slept right beside me on the next bench after a couple of minutes…

The insects chirped and the late sunrise started…

And we slept on…

*     *     *

By six o’clock I was awake. I raised my jacket off my head and Ian came into view standing over me.

“Nye! It’s you Joan! And I was wondering whoever’s sleeping over there all covered…” he exclaimed, laughing.

I stood up and stretched, looking around.

“Good morning Ian, what’s up?”

“Not much. Did you seeK2and the others?” he asked.

“Nope…” he walked away. I looked around me and noticed the other sleeping bodies a couple of benches away. [Jeff was gone by then] I remembered my stuff then, so I walked into the church to get them.

When I did I headed straight into the bathrooms and changed into a shirt. As I brushed my teeth on one of the sinks outside, someone called my name and with bubbles all around my mouth I turned to see Jeff with Chester de Luna.

They waved and I waved my hand with the toothbrush. They laughed.

“Hoy Joan…Jeff says hi! He feels sort of shy!”Chesterjoked, practically strangling Jeff around the neck as they passed to go to the men’s comfort room.

I couldn’t believe what’s so funny besides my bubbly smile, so I just turned to continue my brushing. Later that morning the joke went off-hand and I wasn’t laughing at all.

We went to get breakfast at a nearby “Lugawan” and Jeff was completely avoiding me. I turned in my seat while eating with Agie as I looked at him, sitting beside Apple and his friends. He kept avoiding my eyes, and I feel so sad about it.

The others kept making fun of us as a couple. And Jeff glared.

It’s all I can do to keep myself from crying right then and there.

When the first jeep came to fetch us, Jeff stepped up and turned around in his seat to grab my hand. He shook it, yelling over my face.

“Friends!”

I nodded without thinking and not letting it sink in. I didn’t realize that it was that time when Jeff made things clear between the two of us. I was too busy thinking about his friends’ teasing and what happened between us all night until morning… About us looking like we’re more than friends.

I came to ride another jeep. And in it I seethed until the others stopped teasing me.

Claire Barela, our valedictorian, and I went to Sir Luis’ house when we got home to Meycauayan. He’s our old adviser who got fired when the assistant principal got jealous of him because he got all popular in school even if he’s gay. He’s been a very big person to the students that everyone nearly broke down the school when he got fired with Teacher Nella. The principal thought we’re going to have a rally and spoke before us earlier that week, scared we’ll leave the school because she fired our precious adviser. Ever since then we’ve been visiting him in his house and getting the chance to chat.

But to my horror, Claire blabbed all about Jeff and me instead of talking about something else… I was quite groggy from lack of sleep that we were leaving before I knew it.

Sir Luis was pretty much convinced like the others that Jeff and I was a couple. I dropped Claire off to her house…

As I went home I thought about what happened…

Over and over I ran the night in my mind…

The way he held my hand…while we walked down the aisle. Like a married couple…

When I got home, I dropped down the bed beside my father and slept all through the afternoon…

I thought about skipping school the next day, and I did…

I was so tired…

I continued thinking about everything, nearly going insane. It mattered a lot to me if Jeff’s thinking of the same things that I’m thinking.

I couldn’t help feeling blue…

I never knew what’s waiting for me the next day when I returned to school…

*     *     *

“What exactly is happening to you?”K2asked me, eyeing me suspiciously.

“Why do you ask?” I muttered, flipping my hair on one shoulder.

“Are you and Jeff dating?”

“Of course not!”

“Then what’s with the HHWW?”

I frowned. “What does that mean?”

K2giggled. “Holding-hands-while-walking!”

I frowned harder. “It’s not even funny. He just helped me carry my bag because I’ve brought more food than you guys did.” I said without thinking, turning away as I blushed.

K2smirked. “Yeah, sure. You were with him the whole night!”

“That’s not totally true. There were moments he left me. We were together remember?” I insisted, going red in the face.

K2shook her head and suddenly pointed toward the doorway of our classroom.

“Well, here he comes.” She said.

I looked around, alarmed. Jeff stood by the window, peeking over at me. He smiled.

I couldn’t bring myself to smile back. I just said hi then turned away again.

“How are you?” he asked.

“I’m fine.” I mumbled. By the time I turned to look at him his back was turned to me, talking to someone outside the hall.

I sighed.

“You will never convince me…”K2laughed.

“I didn’t have to.”

And I wasn’t able to… Later that afternoon I asked Jeff for my rosary, and he brought it back…

It smelled like toothpaste. All day long everybody else kidded us both… I couldn’t stop myself from avoiding him suddenly. I was shocked from all the rumors… And I wasn’t really expecting people to suddenly care about what’s going on between the two of us. And my decision seems to hurt his feelings.

Suddenly his classmates were calling me his girlfriend and stuff.

We look at each other at the halls, and then turn away…as if we don’t know each other. Things went a little bit nasty in the next few weeks that followed.

We never talked at all…

And I was beyond confused.

I thought he felt the same way…

And I think I’ve fallen in love with him, but he’s not showing any signs that he does felt the same way… Besides glaring at anyone who mentions my name to him then make jokes about the recollection night.

I didn’t know what I was going to do…

I needed time to think…

So I avoided him altogether and fretted by myself.

It was weeks before I realized that I don’t want to lose a friend in him….

If only it’s not too late.

So I decided to write him a letter.

I told him how special he is to me and that I want to be friends again… I want things back to normal between the two of us.

But Jeff couldn’t ignore all the teasing…and what I said about his carrying my backpack.

He was beyond disappointed. He’s so angry you would have thought we committed a crime together that night because of everybody’s taunts.

He didn’t reply to my letter or anything at all…

The rumors spread all over school that even the teachers were discussing us…

It was a painful moment.

I’ve cried and in the girls’ bathroom Agie consoled me…

“Where did I go wrong?” I asked her, tears streaming down my face on her shoulder.

She patted me on the back and sighed.

“You fell in love with your friend. That’s all…”

I never thought it could lead me to this.

Suddenly our friendship was ruined…

*     *     *

It was during late October that a weird thing happened.

It was the United Nations program, and Jeff was an escort of the contestants. He went to school late, dressed in a red tuxedo.  I gaped at him as he passed me by the stairs, sitting beside Mara Lozano, a senior.

She turned her head and raised an eyebrow at me.

“Are you alright?” she said, eyeing me. I nodded solemnly.

Her little niece suddenly appeared out of nowhere and I was dragged along as they came upstairs to their classroom, right next to ours.

Mara was fixing her make-up by the mirror that’s hanging against their wall as I walked toward the door, looking down the hall.

Suddenly Jeff emerged from their classroom, looking around.

I froze.

Jeff walked down the hall straight towards me, adjusting his tie. There was a huge smile on his face…

“Hello Joan! How are you?” he said gently.

I blinked. It took me by surprise that he actually talked to me, not to mention asking if I was okay.

I was just about to open my mouth when he saw Mara. His features changed.

He suddenly looked embarrassed.

Before I could say a word he was walking down the hall toward the stairs, away from me.

I nearly cried again right then and there…

He made me feel so sad.

For the whole day I kept trying to catch his eye. But whenever I do he always stares at the one I’m with or the people around me. He seem to really wanna talk but only when we’re alone.

Months passed after that…

He never wrote back…

But he’s been trying to talk to me every chance he got.

There were simple hellos and everything, but he wasn’t able to act the same way he did that night.

During New Year I baked some cookies for him and asked Agie, his neighbor, to give it to him from me as a Christmas gift.

That’s when he started to talk again…

By January, we’ve been having brief conversations about nothing.

One afternoon, Agie and I went to school after the bell rings, because of a project. We bought donuts and were offering them around when I saw Jeff by the stairs with a couple of my classmates.

Agie and I walked over then smiled at everyone.

“Kuya, want some?” I asked Jeff, offering him the bag full of donuts. He stared at what I called him, and then joked about taking the whole bag away with him.

Ever since then I’ve been calling him just that…

Finally the rumors stopped. No one’s bugging us anymore…

But still there’s some kind of wall between the bond that was built the night of the recollection…I was never able to come over it.

“You know what, those cookies you gave me before? They were delicious. Thanks so much.” he told me one day as Agie him and I gathered at lunch in the cafeteria.

I grinned at the compliment. “Thanks. That’s my favorite recipe.”

Agie rolled her eyes. “Don’t they look like pancakes?”

Jeff laughed. “Sort of.”

“That’s not important. As long as they’re delicious.” I said, munching on a chocolate bar.

We fooled around and killed time together…

It was fun…

Finally I was able to be myself around him again.

*     *     *

I was sitting cross-legged on a table alone next to the teacher’s table late one night.

It was the prom… Couples were dancing on the dance floor, arms around each other…

I scratched at my knees, reddening the skin. Mosquitoes kept biting me through my panty hose…

I was depressed…all alone. With my friend’s cellphone in one hand, texting my sister. She’s the one who’s supposed to fetch me that morning at 1am.

I sighed, looking up from my dark blue dress. Jeff was dancing with Apple, but he was looking at me. Apple seem to be saying something to him…

I looked down again and let out my breath. I was wondering if anybody would bother dancing with me… Not even my classmates seem to care…

Or maybe they’re just shy because I’m a couple of inches taller than nearly all of them.

Suddenly I remembered this one bet I had with my sister…

I will give her 900 bucks if Jeff dances with me. And it looks like I’m winning it…

When suddenly the music changed… It’sSavageGarden’s I Knew I Love You. I was just about to text my sister that I’ve won when the chairs a couple of feet away from me rattled and someone appeared to be walking toward me. Jeff’s figure stood over me in the dark and he grinned, holding out his hand to me.

“Joan, let’s dance!” he said over the noise, smiling hard at me. It wasn’t a question…more like an order. I merely nodded and stood up. He turned and started walking towards the dance floor; me following him like a robot being controlled.

When we got under the spotlights I put my hands behind his neck and he put his around my waist. We swayed slowly through the song, not meeting each other’s eyes.

I looked at the couple dancing beside us…It was Gen and Michael, and they were both grinning at us.

I smiled back and looked back at Jeff.

I turned his face towards mine and I gave him a smile. “Congratulations, kuya.” I said warmly. Jeff seems to relax a little, taking my hand in his and shaking it. “Thank you…” he murmured, wrapping his arms around my waist again.

I shivered and later we were joking about his treat on Monday because he won the contest as Mr. JS. He looked so handsome in his suit…

Out of the corner of my eye I noticed my friend Michelle Nabong dancing with her new boyfriend, Vaynard Alvarez. Jeff and I turned to watch them and they smiled at us…

I leaned against Jeff as the song went on and closed my eyes…The moment was beautiful. I couldn’t help but wish that it will not end…

But it did when the song did. Jeff let go of me and guided me back to my seat.

I turned and was just about to thank him when he waved his arm and insisted that I go on. As I settled myself in my seat I watched him head towards Apple and they danced again. That’s when I realized I’ve lost the bet with my sister…

Over the music, I heard Jeff speak to Apple. “There you go. I’ve danced with her. Are you happy now?”

Shocked, I turned away, tears coming to my eyes. So he didn’t do it on purpose… He didn’t dance with me out of his own free will… Apple asked him to.

When morning came my sister came to fetch me and I looked ahead behind Jeff’s back.

Slowly he turned and caught my eye. We stared at each other…

There was something mysterious about his eyes, but I wasn’t able to tell when he turned back again, walking ahead.

I looked down and sighed.

After that night he’s been coming to our classroom non-stop, seeming to like it sitting on my chair while I haunt the halls waiting for him to leave.

But Vaynard and him just sat there in Agie’s and my row, talking to our classmates during recess.

Apple one day told me something. “Are you angry with Jeff?”

I blinked at her. “Why did you asked?”

She shrugged. “Because you never smile. You always have this mean expression on your face whenever he’s around.”

I gave her a little smile and she laughed. “I’m not talking about a doggie type of smile. Will you smile naturally?”

Jeff then suddenly peeked over the window and looked through me.

“Can I borrow your mirror?” He said.

Apple handed him my mirror.

I scowled.

“There you go again…” Apple giggled.

Jeff looked down and returned the mirror back. He went in the room and sat beside me.

“Michelle said you’ve been crying…” he said silently, not meeting my eyes.

I gaped at him. “I wasn’t. It was just that they kept teasing me!” I said.

Jeff nodded and looked up at me.

“So you’re okay now?”

Suddenly my surroundings changed. It’s almost like we’re the only ones there…

I looked back at him. “Jeff, I’m really sorry about what happened at the recollection. I didn’t really mean to do those things. It was because of me that your classmates kept making fun of you. I hope you’ll forgive me.” I said desperately, looking him in the eyes.

Jeff looked away. “It wasn’t your fault, don’t blame yourself. It’s all over now.”

He made sure that I’m not crying, and then he stood and left amidTracy’s screeching. He was staring at us, yelping at the top of his lungs…

By the open window I saw Agie talk to him as he passed. Jeff was smiling but Agie had a frown on her face as she went to sit next to me.

“What did you tell him?” I asked.

Agie sighed. “I asked him why he has to go here and do that. I tried to stop him from coming into the room, blocking his way, but Michelle tickled me. I told him he’s not aware that he’s already hurting someone else’s feelings without even knowing it. And I’m right wasn’t I?”

I hesitated, and then put my head in my hands. “I’m so humiliating. Why am I like this? It’s almost as if I’m losing it.” Again we ended up in the girl’s bathroom and I wept.

Things became different again with Jeff…

One day I found out that he was courting my classmate, Caroline. Ian’s ex.

He kept coming to class, just to talk to her. But Caroline didn’t seem to like him more than a friend…

I felt supportive for him instead of jealous. I couldn’t help it but feel sad when I saw his face when Carol told him she just looks at him as a friend. And she likes someone else…

Months passed again when Jeff only came to class to sit in my chair again and look for me…

Whenever we meet eyes though, he just turns away…

I got so frustrated that I couldn’t make myself talk to him again…

Until that day came when it’s time to say goodbye…

*     *     *

It’s the senior’s graduation day in late March. And Jeff and the other COCCs were preparing the flags.

I’m an OPM so I was there too, arranging their drinks for them. And the riffles.

I was arranging our project in Trigonometry in one of the tables… And as I turned I nearly collided with Jeff… He grinned at me. I figured he’s relaxed because we’re the only ones there in the headquarters when he suddenly started joking around about his RHGP book that he passed late. I told him about our project and later we were both laughing like that night at theDivineMercyChurch…

“Were you there when we did some cheerleading last Intramurals?” I asked Jeff, as some of our friends started filing in.

He shook his head. “No. I was up here at the second floor playing some chess game with a kid.”

“Really? That’s sad, we won the championships and you weren’t even able to see our routines.”

He smiled. “But I saw your routines back when we’re still in freshman year. It was amazing!”

Then he started singing some of our cheers…

He wasn’t there during sophomore year, so I figured he saw only one routine. Until I remembered something…

“Our routines were way much better this year. Especially since I became the captain.” I said proudly, sitting up straight.

Jeff smiled wider. “Really? Sorry I wasn’t able to see them, Ms. Captain.”

“I had a picture during that day. You were there.”

“Really?”

I nodded. “You’re lying. It’s true that you were here at the second floor, but you were watching us do our routines together with Jenniebelle and Annabelle.” I laughed.

Jeff sighed. “You caught me…”
The night wore on…and we talked and talked. My classmate Michelle kept putting herself like a wall between us, trying to interrupt, but still we talked…

Suddenly everyone’s staring again.

And Jeff and I were forced to stop kidding around.

I sighed and looked out the window, trying to figure out where Agie went.

Before I found her though the principal announced that it’s time to go…

Jeff walked ahead and I ran after him…

Tapping his shoulder, I drew my breath.

He slowly turned with a blank expression.

“Always remember that I’m just here…” I was just about to add when he needs me but already he was walking away…

“Bye Joan.” He said before taking off at a run to catch up with his neighbor, Brian.

I still loved him after that… And at the same time I never expected to see him again…

But I did during senior year.

My motive was captivating…And my friends were singing me that song that says Goodbye doesn’t mean forever in class as they sat with Jeff, watching me fall apart one day…

All I ever wanted was my friend back, and I’ve had him…

But still that night was never forgotten…

Until now, I still remember how it was like the way he took my hand in his…

As I think about it, I knew…

He will always be someone special, no matter what…

We never talked again…

It’s been two years after…

But as I look back at what we’ve been through, I’m glad to know that I’ll always have a friend in the Jeff that I knew then and now…even if we never talk.

Mr. Jeffrey Ruivivar…I will remember you.

 

 

 

What About Emilio?

With his brother, Charlie (Carlos Irwin Estevez), receiving more press than the 5th largest earthquake on record, I can’t help but wonder: what’s up with Emilio Estevez? Why did two careers which started on such similar paths end up so desparate? And, more poignantly, are we focusing on the wrong Sheen (Estevez)? The answer to the last question is two-fold: of course and why not. America likes turbulence, pyrotechnics.The brothers both essentially started as extras in the classic Francis Ford Copula film, Apocalypse Now, which starred their father, Martin Sheen. Three years older, Emilio found fame a bit sooner than Charlie with The Brat Pack in two quintessential 80’s films: The Breakfast Club and St. Elmo’s Fire. Before that he played “Two-Bit” in The Outsiders beside big-time Los Angeles luminaries Tom Cruise, Matt Dillon, Rob Lowe, and the late Patrick Swayze.Charlie didn’t garner much attention until Ferris Bueller’s sister got hot for him in the police station scene. He played a drugged out teen. Portentous? Was Abe Lincoln honest? Sheen gained critical acclaim and commercial recognition later that year as one of the leads in Oliver Stone’s gripping Vietnam drama, Platoon. His next big success came the year after with Wallstreet, alongside a delightfully greedy Gordon Gekko (Micheal Douglas).The brothers entered the 90’s at roughly the same level of fame and popularity. Emilio was fresh off a successful role as Billy the Kid in Young Guns, and Charlie had fared well as a wild pitcher in Major League. Their personal lives, however, began to diverge.
In 1990, the two joined forces in the hapless film, Men at Work. That year, Charlie accidentally shot Kelley Preston in the arm. They were engaged at the time. Not surprisingly they never married. Emilio already had two children with model Carey Salley, whom he never shot, accidentally or otherwise.Sheen began dating adult film actresses. Estevez was briefly engaged to Demi Moore; the two remain friends. Sheen was implicated in the Heidi Fleiss scandal, while Estevez married ostensible good-girl, Paula Abdul (they divorced two years later). Emilio made a kids’ film: The Mighty Ducks; Charlie made a spoof: Hot Shots!The rest of the decade saw the brothers’ fame dwindle with banal sequels: D2: The Mighty Ducks for Emilio, and Hot Shots! Part Deux for Charlie. But while Emilio tended to his garden and vineyard, Charlie was hospitalized for cocaine use and ended up in rehab.Since 2000, Charlie has no doubt become the more popular brother. His short stint on the TV series, Spin City, and of course, his massive success with Two and a Half Men, has made him the Lebron James of television—a pseudo-villain everyone wants to watch. Meanwhile, Emilio quietly wrote, directed, and starred in one of the best films of 2006, Bobby, a fictionalized account of the events leading to the assassination of Robert F. Kennedy. The movie’s incredible cast included Laurence Fishburne, Heather Graham, Anthony Hopkins, Helen Hunt, William H. Macy, Christian Slater, Sharon Stone, and Elijah Wood.I will spare you the run-through of recent controversies and outrageous quotes coming from Charlie. Tune in to E! for the latest. I will mention Charlie has been accused of violence by two of his former wives, pleading guilty to one count of misdemeanor assault. Emilio seems clean as a whistle.So why do I get 506,000,000 hits when I Google Charlie Sheen, but when I do the same for Emilio Estevez I get 406,000? Well…one would obviously rather have Emilio watch the kids, but it depends on one’s disposition with which brother you’d rather have a drink and shoot the breeze. My choice? If it’s wine, I’ll take Emilio, but if you’re talking scotch and a cigar…it’s Carlos every time.

by Jason Raymond
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Amazing Ann

I was inspired by an amazing woman that I just had to write about. She lives alone in her trailer in a trailer park for 6 months, from April to October for the full season.

In 2010, my Husband and I decided to buy a trailer in this park. We happened to buy it the last week before the park’s closing date, Oct. 15.  We did get to meet some people that were still in the park who hadn’t closed up for the season yet. We were told an amazing story about an elderly woman in the park, which we found incredible.

We only had one beautiful day at that time of year, so my Husband and I thought we’d sit out on our deck at our trailer to enjoy the nice weather.  An elderly woman came over to welcome us to the park.  She was carrying a strawberry cheese cake which she made especially for us.  We thought that was so sweet of her, and this was the best strawberry cheese cake we’ve ever tasted. We got introduced, and her name was Ann.  She told us she’s been in this trailer park for quite a long time, and loved it along with the people there.  The park closed after one short week of purchasing our trailer.

After a long 6 month wait, the park opened in April of 2011.  That same woman came over to us and asked if we liked her strawberry cheese cake, which she remembered giving us before the park closed last season.  She also asked us if we had a good winter, and welcomed us back.  We eventually found out that this was the woman people told us about, being Ann.  She has had her trailer in this park since 2003, and was a pensioner.  Every year before the park closed in Oct., people had to pay a deposit fee of $500.00 to hold their spot over the winter.  This amazing 80 year old woman did the most incredible thing I’ve ever heard about to make money for her deposit fee.  She collected empty liquor, wine, or beer bottles from everyone in the park that she could, and people would even drop their empty bottles into her two bungle buggies that she left outside in the back of her trailer.  She even went to the parks recycling bins to try and find more, which we’ve both seen her do as our trailer was near the recycling bins.  In Canada, we pay a deposit for the bottles that the liquor, wine, or beer is put into, and the empty bottles can be returned to the liquor or beer store for a refund of the deposit at the time of purchase.  That’s if you want to do that, and be refunded your deposit of 10 or 20 cents per returnable bottle depending on the size.  But the amazing other passion about Ann was that she would also walk approximately 7 kms with one of her empty bungle buggies to a different trailer park, and would go into their recycling bins and collect recyclable bottles that weren’t returned for a refund.   She would then walk back to our trailer park with her bungle buggy full of these bottles to take a break from this long walk being the age she was, 80.  After a little break, she would then walk over a causeway, which divided a huge lake nearby, with her full bungle buggy of empty bottles, from both parks, to the liquor store in town to cash them in for a refund.  The distance from our trailer park to the liquor store was 2 kms each way, and she would continue back over the causeway to our trailer park with her empty bungle buggy.  I have tried to walk over that causeway which has no sidewalks; just a very small unpaved shoulder.  I’ve never seen anyone walking over the causeway since we’ve driven on it several times.  With the busy traffic moving in both directions, I got scared and just couldn’t do that walk, not even one way!  I asked Ann how she did that walk, both ways, over the causeway being the way it was.  She replied, “I don’t look at the traffic, you will go nuts”.  This woman did this almost every day since she arrived in our trailer park since 2003.  By doing this adventure, it paid for her deposit fee of $500.00 before the park closed so her spot would be held over the winter months.  She told me that she not only did this for the park’s deposit fee, but did it for extra money that she can earn for the cost of baking a lot of delicious pies, butter tarts, cookies or whatever she wants to bake to give to people in the trailer park for whatever reason.

Most of the trailers are run by propane. I asked her how she managed to get her huge tanks filled at a gas station.  She said that there is always someone to help her in the park and she awards them with one of her home baked sweet goodies.  She said next season in 2012, she will start luncheons in the park by making different kinds of soups, and home baked goodies.   She will charge a very small amount for people joining in for lunch.  She said the money will also help to go towards park functions.  We have a park committee who organizes functions for people such as dances, BBQ’s, special dinners, golfing, etc., whereby people pay a very small fee to the park committee.  She said this will also be her way of helping the park committee if they should run short of money, to continue functions in the park.

In the spring of 2011 she had to take a couple of weeks away from the trailer park as one of her many grandsons, and one of her many granddaughters were each planning their weddings.  Each of them had about 200 guests at their weddings which were close to the same date.  Ann baked all the desserts for each of their weddings.  She would never take any hand outs from anyone.  If anyone offers to help her with something, or anything in the park, she would always pay back with her wonderful baking, and wouldn’t take no for an answer.

She also told me she doesn’t know how to relax as it would drive her crazy not doing anything.  She stays in this park for the full six months and during the winter months, she stays in a retirement home for seniors, and has her own apartment.  She even does certain things in the retirement home for the seniors such as baking and helping others.  She told me that she sometimes looks after a woman who is 107 years old just to give her family a break, and will do this for a period of one week at a time whenever needed.

Ann also suffered a stroke the early part of 201I.  It was a miracle after having this stroke as her doctor told her that she may never walk again.  But she was quite the trooper after recovering, and did her long walks again every day which took her longer, and by the way, she did all the baking for those two weddings after her stroke.  Eventually, it came to a point that she had to have someone drive her to her destinations of gathering recyclable bottles and returning them to the liquor store for refunds.  She became too exhausted to do these long walks.  She was so determined to earn her deposits for every year being in the trailer park so she wouldn’t lose her spot for the next season to open.  I didn’t ask Ann how she managed to pay for her park fees for the entire season.

Ann is very sad that our trailer park will be closing soon for the season.  My Husband and I are also sad for the season to come to an end as that was our first full season being there, and meeting this wonderful woman.  I’m so looking forward to seeing her next year when the park opens for another season.   She did give me her phone number and address so we will be able keep in touch with this amazing woman that I have ever met.  Amazing Ann, she truly is!

© COPYRIGHT – BY JEANNETTE GARDNER       (SEPTEMBER, 2011)

Necessary Roughness (Part 1)

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Something Terrible Doll

I was crying when I met you.

So, don’t make me wait, honey…..

I’m so hollow baby. I’m so hollow.

It hurts when the wind blows through me.

It’s rare when I sit down and pen, or in this case, type a real story. No vampires or magic. No wizards or time portals. Just, reality. And, it’s probably because that reality is a scarier thing than anything I could ever write. The limitless amount of things that could happen just by walking out my front door. The terror that is us as a whole, the human race. And worst of all of it, the worst thing of it all, the heartache that just seems to be the dessert to love. Damn.

I guess, after one hell of an opening like that, I should probably explain why I am writing this anyways, something out of my ordinary. And well, like any good love story, it does start with a girl. But, I am going to wait to tell you about her, instead, I’ll tell about last night.

With my boys. My brothers, partners in crime. My two best friends, they are in fact actual brothers, just bestowing upon me the honored title of the third brother from another mother. It had been too long since all of us had actually spent a night just doing our thing. And last night, a little alcohol, and some video games. Rock Band to be precise. Tom on the guitar, Steve on drums, and yours truly killing it on the vocals.

We had our playlist, our laughs and stupid comments, goofing with each other as we made our way through each song. And then, Aerosmith.

There was a time….

…When I was so broken hearted.

And no, love was no friend of mine. Her name is Leah Marie. She’s such a beautiful lass. Dark brown hair, glasses, a smile that could melt the heart of Jack Frost. Tattoo’s, piercings, and a voice that even now makes me tear up from missing it. She was my best friends girl at one time. And at that one time, we shared a kiss.

And that Aerosmith song got me good, yes it did. Every song before I had been just goofing off, singing, growling, making noises, making the brothers laugh as they tried to not mess up playing the electronic instruments. But Cryin’, that song did it for me.

I sang it better than any other. And why, it made me think of Leah Marie. A sinking feeling in my gut hit, I couldn’t feel my heart beating anymore, but somehow, I found a way to put my heart into singing that song. I hit every note, the words just seem to come to me. And with every single time the chorus slipped out past my lips, I had to fight, choke back a tear.

At the end of that song, I had almost gotten it perfectly, something I had never done before. Tom and Steven were impressed, and with an act that I had perfected over so long, I just pretended like my whole soul wasn’t killing to talk to Leah.

…All I want, Is someone I can’t resist…

It had been almost two years since I had spoken to her. Two years, and to this day, she is in my every thought, and the iron butterflies begin an assault on my gut with every mental image of that lass.

She was Joshua’s girl when I met her. A fellow airman, I can honestly say that Josh had saved my life, a life that I had try to take with my own hands. In an attempted suicide, Josh had saved my life, brought help when I thought there was no way to help me. I had been hanging there, and that man had found a way to cut me down, and bring me back to life.

And then I met his girl. They had a chemistry, I’ll tell you. But, right off the bat, us two, Leah and this poor lad that is I, we had something else. Receiving an honorable discharge from the service, everything that had accumulated on my shoulders because of an inoperable brain tumor, I was on my way home, back to Ohio. And great thing was, Leah only lived a few hours away in the same state.

We talked just as much, if not more so that her and Joshua did. We laughed on the phone, blew each other kisses on the webcam like kids in a modern day John Hughes flick. She was Molly Ringwald and I was Christian Slater. And then one day, she told me she loved me. She loved Joshua, I knew it, she knew it, and he knew it. But, we loved each other.

….Don’t hesitate now honey…

After hanging with the boys, I tried finding her last night. Through facebook, internet, myspace, cell phone number, none of it led me back to Leah. I was lost. I wanted to talk her, no, needed to talk to her, but I didn’t know where her life had taken her. In frustration, I wanted to quit and say move on, but in a last vain attempt, a message was sent to her sister, just asking for a way to reach Leah.

And last night, I got no response. So to bed I went disappointed, just looking over the pictures I dug out of the girl, pictures I had stuffed away in a shoe box to forget about, only to dig for and find, smiling at her still frame smile.

Everytime I lose my way….

…You find me here.

She drove the two hours to come see me. I was in a bad place, struggling after getting out of the service. And there she was, standing there with me, in front of me, in a worn out Misfits tee, saying she was there to be a friend.

The next day, she was destined to catch a flight back to South Carolina, the state that I and Joshua had been stationed, and where he still was. She was going to go see him, kiss him. Sleep with him. But she was his girl…

And the night before, she was with me. We walked around my town, the city I grew up. It was late, but walked, talked, for the first time seeing each other in person, not over webcam. I hear her voice actually come out of her mouth, watched the words formed on her lips, heard their melody in my ears, in person, not over the phone.

She joked around, told stories of our pasts that we hadn’t shared through our technology conversations. We both kept finding things to share, just getting to know the other, and with each tid bit, more and more we found a many similar interests, and more often than as the hours wore on, we found ourselves in moments of silence looking into the other’s eyes, just walking on.

…Find me here…

I told her I was jealous, with a simple grin.

She asked of what? Returning that grin, but her’s was better.

I told her of Joshua. He was going to get to cuddle with her. Kiss her. Hold her. The words spilled out, and realizing I was going on, I tried to make it seem like I wasn’t crazy for her, so to make it make sense, I just said I had nobody and told her I was jealous of the two of them. Just jealous of the two of them.

And just like that, she called me a liar and kissed me. Oh how she kissed me. I had butterflies, and never before, and not since then unless I’ve thought about her, have I gotten the butterflies. It lasted so long. And when it was done, we kissed again, even more passionate than before, the two of us holding nothing back.

I poured my soul into it, and she gave a tear. When the second kiss had ceased, a single, lonesome tear rolled down her cheek, one I never asked about, and she never shared why. I just remember the moonlight glistening off her cheek on the watery pearl.

…You have been the one.

You have been the one for me…

She left, went back home, and went to Joshua the next day. We spoke a few days afterwards, her confusion making her sick to her stomach, understanding that what we had was impossible to forget, but every ounce of her not wanting to hurt the man who saved my life.

Last I had heard, they broke up. It’s been two years, and last night, I tried my hardest to talk to Leah Marie again.

Goodbye my lover, you have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

Right now, I am finishing this story, and all of it is true. One hundred percent true. And like the story of last night, and my history with Leah, another true fact is this. I got her number from her sister this morning. I have it typed in my phone right now. The butterflies are going, my breathing is difficult, and with the last keystroke of my keyboard, I will press talk, and pray she answers, cause, Leah Marie, I’ve missed you something terrible.

Just missed you something Terrible, My Demolition Lover…

 

A Lesson Learned

 

I was in my 20′s and living alone in a huge two bedroom apartment above a warehouse in an industrial area, with a view of a highway. Yes, it was lonely there at times. It happened one night when I felt adventurous. My friends were busy so I thought I’d venture out alone in my 69 Austin Mini.

Off I went on the highway downtown to a bar where I’ve been before. Now at the bar, I ordered a drink and listened to the music by the DJ there. It was pretty packed and I just took it all in. A cute guy there had his eyes on me, and yes, it made me smile. He came over and offered me a drink which I accepted. We talked and commented on the music. I finished my drink and I ordered another one while we continued talking. He then bought me another drink, and yes, I accepted not even finishing my other one. He asked me where I lived and I kind of told him the general area. He then asked me for a drive home as he told me he lived in a nearby neighborhood. I agreed to drive him home.

We left the bar and I found it hard to walk, staggering a lot, laughing, and acting silly. Yes I was impaired and finding it hard to walk and I knew I shouldn’t have got into my car, but I did. He got into my car as well. He then pulled out a marijuana cigarette and asked me if it was OK if he smoked it. Not thinking in a straight mind, I said “sure, go ahead”. He started smoking it and offered me some but I said “no”. He was still smoking it while we were driving up the ramp which leads to the highway. To my surprise, I noticed flashing lights behind me that came out of nowhere. Wouldn’t you know it; a police officer’s car was behind me and I knew they were telling me to pull over!

I just kept on driving and driving and driving, and wouldn’t stop as I was really afraid, knowing that they probably knew a marijuana cigarette was being smoked. I told this guy to get rid of it and if he had any more. He said yes, he had quite a bit more! The flashing lights were amazing behind us but I kept on driving and too afraid to stop. He pulled out a bag of it and he tossed it out of the window slowly, bit by bit until it was all gone, then he threw away the empty bag out onto the highway. Eventually, I decided to pull over to stop. I’ve never been so scared to death in all my life! With my car on the side of the road I was freaking, just freaking inside!

The police officer pulled up behind me and he got out of his car to make his way to my car. I made sure the windows were down so the smell would escape out of my car. He asked me why I didn’t stop like I was supposed to. I didn’t answer. He then asked me if I had anything to drink. I said “no”, as I was afraid to say that I did. He also asked what that smell was and I didn’t answer that question either, but he knew what it was. We both had to get out of the car and I had to sit in the back of his police car while they were talking to that guy. Two police cars were behind me and the next thing I knew, other police cars came around with their sirens going and lights flashing everywhere. I began shaking and crying sitting in the back of the cruiser. A police officer came and sat in the front of the car, and asked me if I’d ever had a breathalyzer test. “No” I said, and he noticed that I was chewing gum. I had to spit it out as they had to wait for 20 minutes before the test could be given due to the gum which might have affected the results. I was relieved of that as I thought it would give me more time for the test to be normal. He started asking me questions about this guy, and how long I’ve known him for. I told him that I’d just met him at a bar and offered him a ride home.

Finally it happened; I had to blow into the breathalyzer, but I didn’t blow as hard as he told me, so he said that I had to blow harder which I was afraid of doing. I had an angel on my shoulders as it was a miracle that I didn’t even blow a warning, considering all the drinks I had at the bar and could hardly walk to my car before this all happened. I think my body went into shock from all that I was going through which may be why I didn’t blow over. The officer was also surprised by the look on his face, as I knew he smelled alcohol on me when he pulled me over. Who wouldn’t! He also told me that the guy I picked up was married with children after they checked him out for certain things. I started crying in front of the police officer and was all shaken up. He also told me I was lucky he didn’t have a knife or another weapon on him.

Later, another officer came to my car with the empty bag that they managed to find on the highway. They asked me where the rest of it was and I said I didn’t know. It was his stuff and not mine. The next thing I saw was they were tearing my car apart, seat by seat was taken out of my car along with everything else. It was all put on the shoulder of the highway. It was a nightmare and while they were emptying out my car, more police cars came. I was surrounded by a lot of police cars with their flashing lights. It was amazing and so scary. It was just like you would see in the movies.

As time went on, the police officers put my car back together and told me I was free to go. They told me they would deal with that guy I picked up. I waited patiently in the back seat of the police officers car until it was time for me to leave and I was still crying, shaking and scared to death. The other guy was in another police officer’s car being questioned I assumed. I was asked if I still wanted to drive this guy home if he should be released without charge, and of course I said “no”. I got out of the police officer’s car. I was free to go and the police officer told me to drive home safely. I got into my car and drove away and all I could see in my rear view mirror were amazing police cars everywhere with their flashing lights. I kept on driving and driving until I finally got home. It was 4:00 in the morning. I’ve never been so happy to be home, safe and sound. I thanked God for watching over me with this awful situation that I managed to get myself into!

I did regret what I’d done, but it was a “lesson learned” by me that’s for sure! I’ve never done this kind of thing again. I’m hoping that no one else ever gets themselves into a situation like this as it’s not worth it!

©Copyright Jeannette Gardner Jan.31/10

Lost in my own country Chapter 6-8

Chapter 6

I thought I could never be this happy and also this scared than this anymore.

The day after I lost my virginity, I couldn’t even walk, or I didn’t want to walk. I hid myself on my little bed and didn’t go to school. My roommates are very concerned about me, asking me if I am ill. It is impossible for me to tell them what happened last night, but since the question made my face blushed, I just told then I had a fever.

I never thought, sex, is like this, it didn’t feel well, and it is quite different than what I thought. I couldn’t understand why it is such a taboo and why parents tell us it is bad, while the books are saying it is so good. I knew something down there changed, and something of me changed, I think I am a woman now.

a WOMAN. This is what Chinese believe. after a girl loses her virginity she will become a woman; not the first period, not when the time she could find a job, not when she got married., not when she give birth to the babies, not when she understands what the life is really about. Is that day, when she lost her virginity, she become a woman.

The hymen, for thousands years, is considered as the most important thing of a girl in China, even now a days it is still one of the most precious qualities to be considered when a Chinese guy is looking for a wife. Girls who are still virgin before they get married are very proud of themselves, they can be arrogant to every guy. But in recent years they started complaining about the new technology, how it has cut down this superiority of them. It is the advertisement of the hymen repair you can see in every Chinese newspaper.

I once went to the hospital with a friend named Nan who also broke the divine hymen by having sex with her boyfriend they were together for 4 years. She didn’t even sleep in the same bed with him for four years, but one day Nan decided to give herself to him cause she thought they will get married as the guy promised, but this asshole dumped her two months after that. She was pregnant.

Of cause she’s pregnant, I don’t think most of the Chinese guys understand what a condom is. I knew they would pay more to the prostitute just because they don’t want to wear a condom, ‘It is much more comfortable’, they said.

‘Guys are all like this, they only care about you when you have something that they are after, and can’t get it. But once you decide to open your heart and give everything about you to them, they will take it and run away as fast as they can.’ She said, lying on the white bed of the hospital.

Nan came to me one day while I was reading a book in the school’s garden, ‘I have to borrow some money.’ She said, as she kept her voice down.

‘Sure,’ I always help my friends without too many thoughts, ‘Care to tell me what for?’

‘That bastard, I saw him with another girl on the street two days ago, I questioned him who is this girl, she asked me to fuck off and never show up in front of him again.’

I put down my book, looked at her shocked.

She continued, ‘I am pregnant, I have to do an abortion, I already booked the hospital, with student card I can get 20% off. I have to do it in a short while, or it is going to be danger…the doctor said.’

I think my face turned completely red, I heard people gossiping about some girl that went bad and had to have abortion, but I never thought this can actually happen to my friend.

‘Sure, how much do you need?’ I try to keep calm, actually I am more worried about her health.

‘I need 1200 more.’

‘This much?! I remembered those advertisements on the newspapers said the abortion only cost 200, and now you even have student discount!’

‘So, you are naïve.’ She pat my shoulder, ‘ I need a surgery of hymen repair right after it! And are you coming to the hospital with me? that bastard does not want to pay, not even come to the hospital with me.’

I knocked my head, looking at her under the warm sunshine of spring. Nan skin is pink as a fresh peach, she is 19, full of energy. But her face is different, she is so serious, that makes me serious. I don’t have time to panic or be sad for her, she has made the decision so fast, and so in order. All I can do is follow her. She is always like this just determined about everything. But this time, just one time she lost it to the guy she loved, she failed.

The doctor who gave her this surgery was so cruel! Especially when she saw Nan’s ID say that she is only 19, she gave her a disdainful look for 3 seconds. But Nan ignored her, just asked for the time when she will have the first surgery.

‘In one hour.’ The doctor quick checked the form, then turned her face around.

‘But…’ I wanted to ask her how come there’s no medical checking before Nan’s abortion, but Nan quickly stopped me by catching my hand, then she dragged me out of the office.

‘The abortion is only 200! How good you think it will be?’ Nan sits down at the plastic bench in the hall.

‘Come on,’ I can’t believe this, ‘so you just gonna risk your life cause you want to save money?’

‘I have no choice!’ She become a bit emotional, ‘My parents only gives me 700 a month, that bastard didn’t give me anything, now I owr you and some other people debts, I have to save every penny of the next three months in order to pay you back! You think I want it?!!’

Tears came out from Nan’s beautiful eyes, she took in a deep breath and wiped away those tears before they dropped.

‘…’ I suddently feel so sad, she is right, even I have to be careful with my money for the rest of this month. But also I have this anger engaged in my mind, I hate Nan’s boyfriend so much, I wish I could find him and tell him how poor Nan is now, and I would slap him if he is not going to help her.

‘You don’t need to pay me back that quickly, I am fine, you know my parents give me more every month.’ I said to her.

‘Thanks.’ She looked back to me, her eyes are red, ‘I will never forget about this, you are a good friend.’

Now she’s lying on the bed, just suffered from two surgeries in three days, the pink color is gone, her face is white as the sheets, almost merged with the bed. She is still wearing her own T-shirt and skirt. She said she couldnt wear the jeans after the abortion, it is no good, she read it on a website. I never read that website, but somehow I know what is she talking about. Maybe because I also lost my virginity.

‘I already told your professor that you need to stay in the hospital for a week. because the surgery of  your appendix.’ I cut the apple into small pieces and fed her with a knife.

For years after that, everytime I heard a girl who had an appendix surgery I will be suspicious of it.

‘OK.’ She closed her eyes, slowly chewing the apple.

‘You don’t worry, Just relax here, I will have to go back to the school this afternoon for classes, Long will come to pick me up.’ I put down the knife, then looked up to the injection bottle. There is still a lot of medicine in there, she will be fine after this, I hope.

Nan suddently opend her eyes, she looked at me with the sceptical eyes, ‘You are not sleeping with Long are you?’ She asked.

‘No.’ I denied immediately.

‘Don’t.’ She closed her eyes again and said, ‘You are only with him for two months, but don’t even give it to him before you registered married.’

Chapter 7

Actually, just two weeks after I lost my virginity to Long, we broke up.

It was Saturday, we were sitting at the restaurant that we always go, I picked up some chicken and put it in his bowl. He didn’t notice, because he is concentrated on his mobile. Recently he always concentrated on his mobile phone, I wanted to know who are these people keep sending him messages and why he has to respond to everyone, I had to top up his phone twice a week, or his phone will be out of service,  which means I can’t find him anymore. I have to keep an eye on him; one is because I love him so much, two because I am his now, and three I have to make him marry me.

It was only April, but Chongqing has already become the hottest city in China, I was a bit frustrated cause I dislike hot weather very much, it makes me moody.

A girl with long curly hair is suddently stand right next to our table,

‘I am pregnant.’ She said.

Long stood up and dragged her away before I could even see her face clearly.

I finished my lunch, I even finished his lunch, then I stood up and walked back to the dorm. While I was walking, I sent him a message.

‘Don’t explain, it is over.’

He didn’t respond. He disappeared for a week.

During his week, I still get up every morning, go to school, go to lunch, go to dinner, go to sleep.

All by myself.

I was surprised I didn’t feel this pain I supposed to feel after this. I got confused. Is it because I didn’t love him that much as I thought? Or, I was just so shocked that my heart was not keep up with my mind.

A week later he called me and asked me to meet him in a café. I went there and sat in front of him. I wish I could release my anger on him, but I didn’t feel anger when I saw his face.

He said that was his ex-girlfriend, he was dating her while he was taking the spring holiday back in his hometown. He didn’t know that she was pregnant, but now he solved the problem, he paid for her abortion.

Is this make him a good boy? I mean compare with Nan’s ex, Long already a man enough to take care of his own business.

I almost forgive him right after.

Then he said, he couldn’t just let her be alone after this, so he will still need to take care of her. But I am still his girlfriend, it is just, he has another girlfriend back home.

I stood up and walked away.

That night, while I was lying on my bed, I felt something down there, I went to the toilet and found out it was my period. I took care of it and went back to my bed.

The tears suddenly went all over my face as soon I covered myself, it couldn’t stop, just kept going. The cry has no sound. I huddled myself up, I told myself, this is it, the feeling of heart breaking.

That time, a sad song could just make me cry the entire night.

I was sad for months. Until that semester end. I thought maybe this is the end of my life, I was even thinking maybe I should get a hymen repair, but I didn’t. I knew even If I could fool other people, I can’t fool myself.

Chapter 8

I was like an un-dead, I don’t talk to people and I cry almost everyday. It was a Friday, all my roommates were out shopping, they didn’t ask me to go with them, cause they knew I wouldn’t go. They tried to make me feel better for a while, but I couldn’t get better, so they kind of just let me be. They cut off all the information about Long, They never talk about him in front of me anymore.

I decided to watch a movie online tonight, I think I should choose something funny, maybe also stupid, stupid enough that I can’t even think about anything while I watch it, so I wouldn’t somehow connect it to Long.

So I watched the American Pie.

All the people are drinking beer, they become crazy after that, crazy fun.

What a brilliant idea! Alcohol! How come I never thought about it! And all this sad people go drinking? They must do that for reasons! And reason is the alcohol can magically stop their sadness, or, at least for a short while!

I looked at the watch, 8:30, if I hurry up now, I can catch the late bus before the school closed up at 11:30.

I quickly got up and put on my T-shirt and jeans.

I got excited just because of this idea, I blamed myself for not having this idea earlier. I stood outside the school, I knew where to go. The bar street, the place all the students talks about, the nightlife symbol of Chongqing.

Deyi.

Did I mention that Chongqing is the biggest city of the world? Deyi is in another district, by bus, it took me one hour to finally get there.

It is my first time I saw anything like this for real. Nine o’clock, this place already shinning up with all the fantastic lights, one club next to one club, taxis are already waiting in line to pick up the drunk people, all the girls are wearing skirts and high-heels, their hair is stunning and all of them are wearing lots of make-up.

On the street people are laughing and smoking, but most of them just go back to the clubs after they finished the cigarettes.

This is the real adult world!

I feel a bit ashamed that I am not fully dressed up, I must look young and naïve to all of these people, so I decided that I am not going into the clubs, there is an outdoor bar, a lot of people are sitting there, they seems more casual to me.

As soon I walked close to this bar, one waitress already showed up in front of me and asked me if I am looking for anyone.

I shake my head, feel a bit shy. She must think I am a bad girl for coming out drinking by myself. Luckily she didn’t say anything else, just lead me to a small table in the corner.

As soon I sat down, I could feel there are a lot of eyes are looking towards to my table, I felt more shy, pretending I was checking the menu.

Actually the alcohol is much cheaper than I thought it will be. I brought all my money with me, I just wanted to get drunk, don’t want to think about how am I gonna survive the rest of the month. But now looking at the menu, I think I can take at least ten beers tonight and still manage.

I was wrong. I got drunk right after the second beer.

Maybe I drank it too fast, I had to, I don’t know anybody here, besides drinking the beer I don’t know what else to do. I felt like I should go to the toilet.

I can hardly walk straight, but I think my mind is still clear, I know what I am doing, just a bit not under 100% control. When I came back to the table, I don’t know why I started thinking about Long again, even stronger! All the nice memories all comes up, but they all just makes me more sad! Why? Why do I miss him so much more than I when I was sober? Isn’t alcohol supposed to make people forget about things???

I start crying, I was just so sad that I couldn’t control myself even in public, I tried to keep it low, quickly wipe off the tears on my face.

Someone sat next to me, and gave me a napkin.

‘How are you darling?’ He asked. He speaks English.

I looked up, and I saw his face. Yes, he is a foreigner, he sits there with his big nose and golden hair.

I was surprised. Of course I saw foreigners before, but I never got the chance to talk to one, plus there are not so many of them in Chongqing, sometimes people on the street just stare at them like they are aliens.

I stopped crying immediatlly , because I become nervous, this is my first time speaking to an foreigner. Luckily my English is good since I was in High school, I answered him.

‘I am fine. Thank you.’

‘You are fine?’ He seems confused, this time I saw his eyes so clear, they are blue, so beautiful!

‘Yes.’ I can’t remove my eyes from his face. It is my first time being this close to a foreigner.

‘OK. ’ He drank some of his beer, he noticed my empty glass, so he asked me, ‘Would you like to have another one?’

‘OK.’ I don’t know what else to say! I am too nervous! I feel I will do all the things he asked to do, it is like his face has magic!

He asked the waitress to come over to our table, ordered another beer in Chinese. His Chinese is not so good, but I am already very surprised. I saw him take out his money and was going to pay, that’s when I woke up, I quickly speak the Chinese to the waitress, ‘Don’t take his money, I will pay by myself.’

‘Why not?’ She asked.

‘What do you mean why not, I don’t know him , I will pay by myself!’ I am a bit angry, how come this waitress just assumes that his is my very old friend that I can let him pay for my bill.

As soon as he saw me take out my money, he understood what I was telling the waitress, he said “no no, I will take care of it.”
‘No.’ I refused, the waitress took away my money.

He still hold his money in his hand, seems confused, but soon he started smiling. This time is me who got confused.

‘Why you are laughing?’ I asked

‘I am not laughing my darling, I just found you very funny. I am similing.’

‘Why you call me darling? I am not your darling, I just met you.’

This time he really starts laughing.

I don’t know what I said was wrong to make him laugh like that, he laughed so loud that people around start looking at him.

He finally stopped, ‘Hi my friend, My name is P.’ He gave me one of his hands.

‘Hello P, my name is Amy.’ I shaked his hand.

He cheers with me, I am very happy, now I have a foreign friends, this is something new!

‘So where are you from?’ I looked at his face clearly again. I really cannot tell the difference between the looks of people from different countries.

‘Denmark.’

‘Denmark? Where is that?’ I try to search this word in my mind.

‘Dan Mai!’He said in Chinese. I guess he get this questions a lot in China.

‘Oh! Dan Mai, in north Europe, yes I know that place! The little mermaid!’ I said, hope he will not think that I know nothing about the world.

But he started laughing again, I really don’t understand why he is laughing at me.

‘My darling, you are so funny!’ He said.

‘No I am not. And I don’t understand why you keep laughing like that. Are you too drunk?’

‘Maybe!’ He looked back to his beer, then he finally stopped laughing, he looked at me, and asked, ‘So what’s wrong? Why you were crying? I noticed you when you came here, I am sure you are not coming here often.’

‘You are right, Iit is my first time here. I am unhappy because of my ex-boyfriend.’

‘Oh, typical.’ He said.

‘What do you mean typical?’

‘Girls at your age, easy heart-breaking.’

‘I am! So can we stop talking about this?’

‘Dar…friend, has anyone ever told you that you are a little bit rude? Just a little bit!’

‘Why am I rude? I didn’t ask you to go away when you sat next to me, and I didn’t let you to pay for my beer, I didn’t get angry when you laughing at me. You know? Actually I think you are a little bit rude!’

‘Amazing, you actually have a point!’ P raised up his beer, ‘ Cheers for being rude!’

After that we talked more. I got to know that he is already in China for 6 years, and now he is teaching English in Chongqing. That gives me a bit of relief, a teacher is always a respectful job. At least he is not some bad people. I trusted him more.

Soon this beer finished, I am very dizzy, but I am not sad anymore.

‘Another beer?’ P asked.

‘No, I have to go back to school. The gate will be closed soon.’

‘Fuck the school, it is so far. If you want, you can stay at my place tonight, I just live around the corner.’

‘No.’ I am a bit angry, how can he ask a girl go to stay at his place the first night they meet, no, not even two years after they meet!

‘Easy! Fine, good-bye then, remember I am almost here every night, next time when you feel sad you can come to see me, I am your friend.’

You’re principal called: Carma

 

Hybrids are all about the environment, aren’t they?  We consumers wanted better for the environment and finally we get a car that does just that while looking like a rejected computer mouse.  What better way to show the power of the consumer?

How about an electric car?  One powered completely b electricity where the power to charge it isn’t too outrageous and it looks like a normal car and has one single engine?

You’re probably thinking I want free hookers carrying ice cream, too.

While I do, electric cars are not a fantasy, merely something withheld from the consumer (although the hookers and ice cream often seem more easily attainable).

But then, why would you want an electric car when you have a hybrid?  For one thing, you’d have a lot more space.  An electric car would have one battery and engine, not two and not one powered by the other.  For another, less gas and better mileage.   While Hybrids are notorious for not having good mileage, electric cars had great mileage compared to how much was needed to charge them.  Not to mention the blended in with the traffic better than the hybrids, which still look silly and annoy pet owners and joggers (both of the have fewer emissions than hybrids).

For those curious as to why I have been using the paste, it’s because it’s the correct tense.  Electric cars have been available to the public before and not that long ago.  In the 90’s California passed a law, requiring lower emissions form cars.  In response, several car companies sold a few hundred purely electric cars to customers.  The contracts for the cars required that the cars had to be returned within a year and that there was no possibility of keeping them beyond that period of time.  Despite massive protests form more than just the owners (over both wanting to keep the cars and to buy more), the cars were discontinued the next year and it took ten years to get a clunky, double-engine car that still required gasoline and looked like an ugly vacuum.

Unsurprisingly, the companies have been suspected of surrendering to different protesters: oil companies against California’s laws, combined with perpetuating the thought that people didn’t want purely electric cars.

So, consider it: automobile companies have been bailed out by the government and instead of offering the customers what they want out of desperation, they turn to oil companies or the government instead of realizing what they could have done with car designs they already had that would have changed the face of the automobile industry.  Meanwhile, those who have been dreaming of cars running on electricity have been taught that such things are as likely as unicorns.  The government, wanting to aid the companies, makes no demands for even research into electric cars.

What could have changed the world and put the car companies a permanent place in history was tossed into the proverbial trash bin in favor of short term gifts form oil companies.

Let the crime fit the punishment then: let is forever be known of their preference of unkindness over the profits fame and defeating their own allies could have brought them. Help spread the word about what could have been and condemn the choice.  If they chose not to be heroes, help make them villains.

who shot Gabby Giffords

 

o darling oh wohw ohhh dar-ling oh wohw wohw wohw dahrrr-leeeing some gunman walked into the mall

who shot Gabby Giffords? why what’s the reason for I said Sarah Palin with my cross-hair target I shot Gabby Giffords who saw her fall? I said gun laws people with my little eye I saw her fall who caught her blood? I said Daniel Hernandez who placed pressure to her wound with my finger caught her blood who shot Gabby Giffords? why what’s the reason for who’ll make the shroud? I said Cochise County ranchers pressuring for tougher Mexican border laws I’ll make the shroud with my thread and needle who’ll interpret what she stood for? I said Tea Party constituents with my pick and shovel I’ll dig her grave who shot Gabby Giffords? why what’s the reason for who’ll be the minister? I said Washington lobbyists with my little book I’ll be the minister who’ll be the clerk? I said the media if it’s not in the dark I’ll be the clerk who’ll carry Twitter I’ll fetch it in a minute I’ll carry the link who shot Gabby Giffords? why what’s the reason for who’ll be chief mourner? I said American people I mourn for my love I’ll be chief mourner who shot Gabby Giffords? why what’s the reason for who’ll carry the consequence? I said destitute lost their homes to Wall Street banks if it’s not through the night I’ll carry the moment who’ll bear the sadness? We said the world both man and woman We’ll bear sadness who shot Gabby Giffords? why what’s the reason for who’ll sing a psalm? I said the poet as she sat on her bush I’ll sing a psalm who’ll toll the bell? I said factory worker because I can pull I’ll toll the bell for all people of the land fell a-sighing a-sobbing when they heard the bell toll for poor Gabby Giffords. who shot Gabby Giffords? why what’s the reason for some gunman walked into the mall 9 mm Glock in his hand shot a bullet through her head 13 wounded 6 dead including little 9 year old girl Christina-Taylor Green who shot Gabby Giffords? why what’s the reason for

marching bands make me cry i don’t know why they’re so dazzling beautiful fun playing their instruments marching in uniformed unison they melt my heart eyes wet with sadness joy who shot Gabby Giffords? some gunman walked into the mall

Joyous Mistake (Part 3)

 

February past and March began. James and I were fairing well. I had returned to school, placing my daughter in the daycare at school while school was in session. On the weekends Izzy, as we had begun to call my daughter as a nickname to Isabella, and I would go see James up in Anderson. Izzy enjoyed the visits about as much as James and I did.

Come Spring time Izzy and I began to take walks at the local park. She loved to watch the other children play, it always put a smile on her face. She was growing fast and it made me want to cry at times. Though I always thought she was getting big the doctors always told me she was too small for her age. She was four months old but the size of a normal two or three month old. It wasn’t surprising considering she was a premie.

That first Spring passed quickly and soon it was Summer. James’ and my wedding was fast approaching. We were planning on getting married on June 5th, 2008. Just after I graduated. Everything went as planned and on June 1st we were on a plane to France. We were getting married in France so that his parents could be there. Everything was wonderful and easy going. My parents kept Izzy while James and I went on our honeymoon.

Not long after we returned from our honeymoon, Izzy became sick. I wasn’t sure what was wrong, but nothing seemed to help. I took her to the doctor and they admitted her to the hospital for an overnight stay. They determined she needed to stay for a little longer for more observations. They did several tests, but everything came back negitive. I thought I was going to loose my daughter.

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I plan to write more at a later date. I would now, but I am becoming quite tired and where I am seems like a good place to stop. You know for suspense and all.